Em.... What's been happening since the last post?

It's been a while since I last wrote anything here and it's fair to say I have gone through one of the worst and emotionally draining times as a parent and also in my adult life. The sexual assault my daughter suffered in October has changed all our lives in a such a huge way it's hard to see any resemblance to the family we were before. I guess I should bring you up to date on what happened. Social services back out of our lives almost immediately as the matter became a criminal one and not a social one so that was a relief but from what I was told by the social worker there was no case against the young man who did this as it was his word against my daughters. The police never did get in contact with us though :( My daughter is terrified to leave the house alone as this young man lives only a few doors away and not a day goes by where she doesn't see him. She doesn't go out to play anymore and has had to be brought home on occasions by the head teacher in an awful state. She suffers panic attack when she needs to leave the house or when it's time to come home from school. The worst thing has been her ''black'' times though. I'm not sure what to call them, a strop maybe, a bad time? I'm not sure but what I do know is that when they start it takes 2 to 3 hours for them to pass and it's awful. She cries and screams and rages and mostly it's directed at me. Nothing I can say or do brings her out of it any quicker and at times I have felt I don't have the strength to carry on but somehow I always do. The worst part of it all is when it's finished and she becomes my daughter again and she is exhausted from all the emotion and she is so sorry. She doesn't even remember how it started but she knows she is sorry for it all and it breaks my heart. From almost the instant this happened she wanted her hair cut. Her hair was almost to her waist and so beautiful. I think she needed to change herself though and prove she was no longer that girl anymore. He beautiful hair is now cut to her shoulders but if it helps then maybe it's worth it. I was always sure that there was more to what happened to my daughter than she told us and unfortunately my fears were true. A few nights before Christmas I was talking with her and my sons friend and his girlfriend in a very casual situation. In all the hours I have spent with her I got no where in this but out the blue she talked and things are much worse than we thought. But one good thing came out and it's that there is there is a part witness and someone who can blow this guys defence out the window. He claimed that he was trying to go to the toilet when this happened and that was why he ended up in my daughters room. The scheme of houses I live in have some houses like mine and some a mirror image of mine and he said he was confused as his house was the opposite way from mine. But from what my daughter said, and the witness, this guy came OUT of the toilet and went into her room. I should explain what happened. My daughter had been downstairs talking to a friend on MSN. My sons friend wanted to put music on but she said no so he started teasing her and she went upstairs in a huff. As my oldest son was outside trying to stop these idiots who had travelled across town to ''gatecrash'' the house as they had heard he I was in hospital and there were no parents at home from wrecking the garden. He had left a friend in charge though and when my daughter went upstairs his friend went to check on her. While his friend was checking on her, her attacker came out the toilet and into her room. He insisted to my son's friend he would ''take care'' of things and that he should go and he would see she was all right and ''take care'' of things he did :( My son's friend has backed up 100% what my daughter said and has agreed to tell the police so I'm going back to the police next week. This shows he had intent and also blows his story apart as he came from the toilet. It all means my daughter is going to have to go back through the police questioning again but maybe now he will be punished for what he did instead of walking round the streets happy as Larry while my daughter hides at home

One big change we made in the house was move my daughter out her bedroom. For the first few weeks life was awful and it was a fight every night to get her to bed. She was plagued by nightmares and she cried out and screamed in her sleep and all night I could hear her bangles jangling together as she thrashed about the bed. She had the most awful flash backs too. Some nights me and her would sit up the whole night and read stories and write poetry but the poor kid was exhausted, as was I. It all came to a head one Sunday night with me collapsing, a huge hole in one of my walls, a broken bed and everyone in a state. We moved her into my bedroom the next day (I'm still sleeping in the kitchen) This has been a good move for us all but it has left me homeless. My daughter had a tiny room and she had a high cabin bed which even if I could get upstairs I wouldn't even be able to climb into. Since Christmas is over am gonna try to get myself a bed for her room because it has hit me quite hard that I have no where in this house where I can close a door and be alone, no where to lie in peace and no where to cry alone. My kitchen is open plan and there is no privacy at all. I try to sleep every night with the sound of gun fire and the flickering lights of COD or Gears of War through the glass door of the living room. Now with a new PS3 I guess I will have some different sounds of gunfire to try and sleep too. The joys!! I wonder sometimes what would happen if I got ill. It makes me panic. I need somewhere to call my own. Don't know if you can understand that. So somehow I need to find the money to get a bed and make her old room into somewhere for me.

Taking away my daughters troubles, which have affected us all deeply, life has been better for us since I am down stairs again. The kids have responded well to having me back in their lives again and even if I could start to manage the stairs again I don't want to go back up there and be so isolated again. I have ''the girls'' now who come in every week day to help me clean the house and do shopping if I need it. It's even ok if when they come in all I want to do is sit and talk. They are there to support me in whatever way is needed. This has made a huge difference to us all and the pressure is off the kids. Since I have come home from hospital I have only had one visitor so without them I would be so lonely. It's nice to see someone everyday and just chat about anything and nothing. My parents and parents in law have still maintained their stand against us with no contact at all over Christmas. I held my daughter tonight as she sobbed that she misses my mum so much and again I felt the hurt. Oh that's reminded me of something else. I mistakenly received a few emails my mum had sent someone else regarding me and she was nasty beyond belief. She told this other person not to help me as I was faking it when I was in hospital. How she could even think that is beyond me. No one would fake something like that and leave a 17 year old only 6 weeks from a suicide attempt looking after 2 kids on his own. She is trying to poison everyone against me with a concoction of lies that are down right ludicrous. I just hope my other family members can see her for the sick minded woman she is. It also came to light she was telling my mother in law I was faking it and it looks like that is why she did nothing to help when I was in hospital. Pretty sad that her actions lost my children their other set of grand parents. She has also been ''leaking'' some of my secrets to my mother in law in a bid to cause trouble between my husband and me but it backfired. What I cant understand is, is it not enough what she did without trying to take everyone else away from me too? I think maybe she knows how wrong she was and is trying to tell lies to make what she did seem better. Also if she convinces herself I'm faking it then she doesn't need to do anything to help. My daughter paid the price for that though cos if my mum had been looking after her she would never have been sexually assaulted. A little part of me hopes she cant sleep at night thinking how her twisted nature cost that little girl her innocence. But life is too short to hold a grudge I guess.

Anyways Christmas is over and we had a quiet but good Christmas. Hogmany is likely to be just as quiet I guess. I will try and write again sooner than last time though. It's 3.43am so am gonna try to sleep now. Wish me luck lol. I hope you all had a good Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all when it comes, Love A xx