The Sins of the Father

I have a lot of time on my hands and therefore I do a lot of thinking, most of it in the small hours of the morning lol. An interesting thought came to my mind a couple of nights ago. I have spent a long time wondering why everything has happened to me, what lesson was I to learn, was I being punished etc etc? I'm not a religious person but you can grow up in a christian country and not pick up sayings from the bible. And the one that sprung to mind was ''the sins of the father shall be visited upon the sons'' Before you dismiss this let me tell you a bit about my parents and you can reserve judgement till then

I'll start with my dad. My dad has always found glory in illness or operations. He once told me his bowel operation was worse than child birth though how he knows I have no idea lol. When I got rushed into hospital at 28 with a problem with my heart instead of asking how was I he ripped through me saying ''you cant have anything in this house without someone else wanting it'' He was referring to the fact he had been recently diagnosed with having a heart murmur. I then ripped through him saying basically I was 28 and I did NOT want this. Who in their right mind would want something wrong with their heart? Shows a sick mind to even think that. The next example I will give you is even sicker :( My mums friend died of throat cancer a few years back. It was even more tragic that she was a tee total, non smoker all her life. About 6 months after her death my dad started complaining of exactly the same symptoms as she had. He had the doctors carrying out tests. I was completely sickened one day when I overheard him telling a man he had met on holiday that he had throat cancer!!!! The tests all came back showing nothing was wrong and the doctors eventually put his symptoms down to a dry throat from medication. Was funny how all of a sudden he was ''better'' He did the same with me and my cauda equina. About 6 months after he again developed all my symptoms and was complaining continuously. He sat in front of me and said ''I know I have the same as you do.'' One xray later and it showed arthritis in his hips and the doctors sent him away saying what did he expect, he was 63 after all? You have never seen anyone so pissed off that he didn't even get an mri. Sick!! My dad has also accused me of faking both my epilepsy and the pain I was in before my back surgery. Who in their right mind would accuse someone of faking illness. Who would even think about that unless they were doing the same themselves? It's not a natural thing to think. If someone is ill you have concern, compassion, worry. You do not immediately accuse them of faking it. I could keep going but I think you get the idea

Now to my mum. My mum has been ''disabled'' all my life though never had a diagnosis of anything wrong. Eventually the doctors got so sick of her they took her into hospital and performed every test in the book and also made her see a psychiatrist to see if it was all in her head. My mum uses a wheelchair basically every time she leaves the house but goes on holiday for 2 months a year and doesn't take it. She walks miles every day with the dogs, she climbs hillsides quicker than I could when I was fit and healthy. Very strange. She used to be at the doctor all the time again complaining until one day she found a leaflet in the waiting room about a condition called fibromyalgia. She showed the leaflet to the doctor and said I think I have this and he said it sounds as good as anything and wrote it down in her notes!!!! :( Funny how she never goes to the doctor anymore. Her ''diagnosis'' allowed her to claim benefits and get a blue badge for her car so why would she see the doctor anymore? My mum also accused me of faking it in emails to my grampa last year when I was in hospital. Again who in their right mind would accuse someone of faking it especially when they have a crushed spinal cord?

So I have 2 parents who have pretended they are ill or disabled for some reason I can't fathom. I have ended up disabled at a fairly young age and I would give half the world to be normal again. So are the sins of the father visited upon the sons? I wonder!

Back in my corner again

I'm in my corner. I've hit rock bottom again and I'm not sure exactly why. I think it's a mixture of a few things though. All my life I have felt out of place in the world and now all the important things in my life are out of sync with the people around me, It's like I have gone in fast forward at some point and am ahead of time so when things matter to me they are not tied up to the other people but in the future the things then change like I wanted or needed earlier but it's too late and it hurts me. Time is supposed to be a great healer but for me it's a torturer. I'm stuck in this half life while time and the world around me mocks me. I have tried to work out why I should be punished this way, why is every bit of comfort and happiness denied me and why are the people I love ripped from me and I have no idea. Maybe I was evil in my last life. My birthday is coming up and I have started thinking about my parents again. I think one way or another what my mum does will ruin my day. If she gets in touch I will be so upset and if she doesn't I'll truly know it's over. I have been thinking about all the children who are really nasty to their parents but their parents still love them. Junkie kids who steal off their parents but their parents still stand by them. I did nothing to deserve what my parents did. I have come to a kind of understanding though about what happened. For atleast the last 15 years I have known that either my dad wasn't my dad or I wasn't theirs and there was a switch at birth as my blood group indicates it. I don't look like anyone in my family and the only similarity I can find between me and my mum is our eyebrows. Not exactly conclusive lol. I look at my children and see all the features I passed on to them but I look back and see none of them. A few weeks before my dad made my mum choose between me and him he was in hospital getting major heart surgery. He was sure he was going to die and I myself could see no future with him. I thought we were going to lose him. Never in my wildest dreams did I think the reason I saw no future with him was that he would choose to take this path. But in the run up to my dad's surgery him and my mum did a lot of talking and I think my mum did what a lot of people do when they are facing death, she cleared her conscience or said something which made my dad realise I was not his. I wonder what he felt when all of a sudden he looked at me and realised I wasn't his or worst still he maybe saw my father looking back at him. I have worked out who my father is and he is actually Italian although any links to him left my life 33 years ago. It makes sense though when you look at me with my olive skin, my Mediterranean looks with dark hair and eyes, my passionate and sometimes fiery nature. I think that's why I don't belong here and why I don't fit in. Somewhere out there is my family and maybe my roots. I think a trip to Italy is definitely needed sometime in the future. Nothing holds me to Scotland anymore. There was a time where I would never have left Scotland but now that's all gone. I have found a place I want to settle but I need a few years before I can go there. I think I would rather be an outsider in another country than be an outsider in what's supposed to be my homeland. All this has done one thing for me though and that's made me try to look into the future and see myself in it. For such a long time I have not been able to see anything beyond the day I was in. I had no future and every day was on borrowed time. I still fight a daily battle to stay here though. For the last 2 days the urge to drive is almost uncontrollable and as I have said before it takes more strength to stay than it ever does to go. My kids are finding it hard that I have spent the last 2 days just crying. My bed is in the kitchen so it's not possible to hide my pain or my tears. I've not had my car keys taken off me yet though so maybe I have hidden some of my despair. Death offers such peace that I don't think I'll ever find in this fucked up life or on this fucked up planet. I just want to give in to it and stop this constant fight but I know I must hold on and hopefully I'll pull myself back up soon (just in time to be kicked back down again though lol.) The saddest part of all this is I'm talking to my blog cos I really don't have anyone else to talk to :(

Little things we take for granted

Many people take things for granted in their lives, not for any bad reasons but just for the simple fact that we know no different. Power at the flick of a switch, clean, fresh water from the tap etc etc. But I am learning the hard way of many other things people take for granted. There are 2 major issues with me and I will tell you the first one now. When I first became disabled I started to rely on my hands for my mobility. My hands let me walk with crutches or with a zimmer, they could even make a wheel chair go by myself. I had arm muscles to beat any man but I often thought about the future when old age could affect my hands and therefore affect my mobility. It scared me. What is old age though? 40,50,60,70? The one thing I knew though was old age wasn't 34. I had time or so I thought. It started suddenly about the start of December with my arms going numb during the night. Nothing unusual there as at times we all lie on our arms and wake up with a numb arm but what was unusual with me was both arms were numb. I couldn't be lying on both arms at the same time. It got to the stage where it was taking close to an hour in the morning to get any feeling back in them and sometimes the kids were having to hold a drink to my mouth in the morning to be able to swallow my medication. Then came the pain :( My knuckles and fingers started swelling and it became agony to grip anything so my crutches became impossible some days and excruciating on other days. I cant open bottles, cut veg or cheese, I cant even do my own bra strap up. The doctor diagnosed a trapped nerve in my neck but said to me that because of everything I had been through I wouldn't want anyone poking about there but when I got home and thought about it, I thought no, because of everything I have been through is exactly why I DO want someone poking about there. My back trouble started with ''a trapped nerve'' but was really a prolapsed disc which went on to rupture and crush my spinal cord. I became aware that discs could prolapse in the neck also when I applied for travel insurance and was asked was the prolapse in my lumber region or my neck. I know I have 3 more partially prolapsed discs in my lumber region but none causing any cord compression but all 3 a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. My neurosurgeon told me I am at a high risk of another prolapse anyways since I have had one already but it never crossed my mind it could be in my neck. My Doctor tends to put all my pain and my problems down to cauda equina and is filling me full of increasing amounts of painkillers and other drug till they are actually affecting my quality of life which leads to my second thing that people take for granted and it's not until you lose it that you realise you ever took it for granted. I will finish up about my Doctor though. What I really want her to do is send me to an orthopaedic doctor and actually get my back checked out. Because when things went wrong 2 years ago it was so serious I bypassed orthopaedic and went straight to neurology. The neurosurgeons fixed the problem but what caused the problem? When I had a private medical done for my legal case, the orthopaedic doctor told me my pain was down to the degenerative back condition I had which caused the disc to prolapse in the first place but he never told me what it was. I also know from the difficulty 3 doctors had in doing a lumber puncture that my back is in a bad state. The ligaments are grainy and they were unable to pass a needle through them. When an anaesthetist eventually managed it he went in so high in my back the puncture marks were almost where my bra strap would sit and not at the base of my spine where a lumbar puncture would normally be done. So from what the anaesthetist said and the orthopaedic doctor I saw said I know something is wrong with my back but what? I'm gonna push my GP for an orthopaedic consult cos I am not prepared just to swallow pill after pill and not know what the underlying problem is. Don't know if that makes sense but it does to me. So back to what I was saying and what the second thing that people take for granted is the ability to talk and write and actually express yourself. I find it almost impossible sometimes to write with a pen and paper. I cant spell my own name, I cant form letters and the drugs are causing a dyslexic type reaction in me. I have sent emails where every d is a g and every g is a d. Good job I have understanding friends lol. I also cant find words and when I am talking to people I get stuck with words and cant say what I want to say or say anything at all. It's horrible. I usually burst into tears which kinda makes it worse. I call everyone by the wrong names including the kids (I dont even get the gender right with names), numbers mean nothing. I look at numbers and know they should mean something but I cant remember what. I tried to write the date yesterday and for once I could actually remember the date cos it's was my nephews birthday but could I remember how to write it? Could I hell as like. The guy was hovering over me waiting for me to fill out the form and I was so embarrassed. One of the worst things though is the confusion. I spend most of my time feeling confused and lost, not sure what I'm doing or supposed to be doing. I'm in the middle of an insurance claim after the break in at my house and the forms are horrible. I struggle to know what they mean. I was all set to take one of the forms down to the police cos I thought the word said police but it was pointed out to me that it actually said policy. The insurance company want receipts, instruction books, pictures, boxes etc. I cant even picture some of these things in my head farless know where to find them. How can you find something if you don't know what it looks like? So I am betwixt the devil and the deep blue sea here. I need the medication to be able to walk, to function, to have a life but because of the medication I cant function properly and try and avoid people cos I know I cant talk properly so it's taking away my life. But what do I do?

Now you might think what is she talking about? She wrote this blog. It's taken me 2 days to write this. I have read it and re read it and read it again until I think it's right. You can always let me know if it's not lolm

Em.... What's been happening since the last post?

It's been a while since I last wrote anything here and it's fair to say I have gone through one of the worst and emotionally draining times as a parent and also in my adult life. The sexual assault my daughter suffered in October has changed all our lives in a such a huge way it's hard to see any resemblance to the family we were before. I guess I should bring you up to date on what happened. Social services back out of our lives almost immediately as the matter became a criminal one and not a social one so that was a relief but from what I was told by the social worker there was no case against the young man who did this as it was his word against my daughters. The police never did get in contact with us though :( My daughter is terrified to leave the house alone as this young man lives only a few doors away and not a day goes by where she doesn't see him. She doesn't go out to play anymore and has had to be brought home on occasions by the head teacher in an awful state. She suffers panic attack when she needs to leave the house or when it's time to come home from school. The worst thing has been her ''black'' times though. I'm not sure what to call them, a strop maybe, a bad time? I'm not sure but what I do know is that when they start it takes 2 to 3 hours for them to pass and it's awful. She cries and screams and rages and mostly it's directed at me. Nothing I can say or do brings her out of it any quicker and at times I have felt I don't have the strength to carry on but somehow I always do. The worst part of it all is when it's finished and she becomes my daughter again and she is exhausted from all the emotion and she is so sorry. She doesn't even remember how it started but she knows she is sorry for it all and it breaks my heart. From almost the instant this happened she wanted her hair cut. Her hair was almost to her waist and so beautiful. I think she needed to change herself though and prove she was no longer that girl anymore. He beautiful hair is now cut to her shoulders but if it helps then maybe it's worth it. I was always sure that there was more to what happened to my daughter than she told us and unfortunately my fears were true. A few nights before Christmas I was talking with her and my sons friend and his girlfriend in a very casual situation. In all the hours I have spent with her I got no where in this but out the blue she talked and things are much worse than we thought. But one good thing came out and it's that there is there is a part witness and someone who can blow this guys defence out the window. He claimed that he was trying to go to the toilet when this happened and that was why he ended up in my daughters room. The scheme of houses I live in have some houses like mine and some a mirror image of mine and he said he was confused as his house was the opposite way from mine. But from what my daughter said, and the witness, this guy came OUT of the toilet and went into her room. I should explain what happened. My daughter had been downstairs talking to a friend on MSN. My sons friend wanted to put music on but she said no so he started teasing her and she went upstairs in a huff. As my oldest son was outside trying to stop these idiots who had travelled across town to ''gatecrash'' the house as they had heard he I was in hospital and there were no parents at home from wrecking the garden. He had left a friend in charge though and when my daughter went upstairs his friend went to check on her. While his friend was checking on her, her attacker came out the toilet and into her room. He insisted to my son's friend he would ''take care'' of things and that he should go and he would see she was all right and ''take care'' of things he did :( My son's friend has backed up 100% what my daughter said and has agreed to tell the police so I'm going back to the police next week. This shows he had intent and also blows his story apart as he came from the toilet. It all means my daughter is going to have to go back through the police questioning again but maybe now he will be punished for what he did instead of walking round the streets happy as Larry while my daughter hides at home

One big change we made in the house was move my daughter out her bedroom. For the first few weeks life was awful and it was a fight every night to get her to bed. She was plagued by nightmares and she cried out and screamed in her sleep and all night I could hear her bangles jangling together as she thrashed about the bed. She had the most awful flash backs too. Some nights me and her would sit up the whole night and read stories and write poetry but the poor kid was exhausted, as was I. It all came to a head one Sunday night with me collapsing, a huge hole in one of my walls, a broken bed and everyone in a state. We moved her into my bedroom the next day (I'm still sleeping in the kitchen) This has been a good move for us all but it has left me homeless. My daughter had a tiny room and she had a high cabin bed which even if I could get upstairs I wouldn't even be able to climb into. Since Christmas is over am gonna try to get myself a bed for her room because it has hit me quite hard that I have no where in this house where I can close a door and be alone, no where to lie in peace and no where to cry alone. My kitchen is open plan and there is no privacy at all. I try to sleep every night with the sound of gun fire and the flickering lights of COD or Gears of War through the glass door of the living room. Now with a new PS3 I guess I will have some different sounds of gunfire to try and sleep too. The joys!! I wonder sometimes what would happen if I got ill. It makes me panic. I need somewhere to call my own. Don't know if you can understand that. So somehow I need to find the money to get a bed and make her old room into somewhere for me.

Taking away my daughters troubles, which have affected us all deeply, life has been better for us since I am down stairs again. The kids have responded well to having me back in their lives again and even if I could start to manage the stairs again I don't want to go back up there and be so isolated again. I have ''the girls'' now who come in every week day to help me clean the house and do shopping if I need it. It's even ok if when they come in all I want to do is sit and talk. They are there to support me in whatever way is needed. This has made a huge difference to us all and the pressure is off the kids. Since I have come home from hospital I have only had one visitor so without them I would be so lonely. It's nice to see someone everyday and just chat about anything and nothing. My parents and parents in law have still maintained their stand against us with no contact at all over Christmas. I held my daughter tonight as she sobbed that she misses my mum so much and again I felt the hurt. Oh that's reminded me of something else. I mistakenly received a few emails my mum had sent someone else regarding me and she was nasty beyond belief. She told this other person not to help me as I was faking it when I was in hospital. How she could even think that is beyond me. No one would fake something like that and leave a 17 year old only 6 weeks from a suicide attempt looking after 2 kids on his own. She is trying to poison everyone against me with a concoction of lies that are down right ludicrous. I just hope my other family members can see her for the sick minded woman she is. It also came to light she was telling my mother in law I was faking it and it looks like that is why she did nothing to help when I was in hospital. Pretty sad that her actions lost my children their other set of grand parents. She has also been ''leaking'' some of my secrets to my mother in law in a bid to cause trouble between my husband and me but it backfired. What I cant understand is, is it not enough what she did without trying to take everyone else away from me too? I think maybe she knows how wrong she was and is trying to tell lies to make what she did seem better. Also if she convinces herself I'm faking it then she doesn't need to do anything to help. My daughter paid the price for that though cos if my mum had been looking after her she would never have been sexually assaulted. A little part of me hopes she cant sleep at night thinking how her twisted nature cost that little girl her innocence. But life is too short to hold a grudge I guess.

Anyways Christmas is over and we had a quiet but good Christmas. Hogmany is likely to be just as quiet I guess. I will try and write again sooner than last time though. It's 3.43am so am gonna try to sleep now. Wish me luck lol. I hope you all had a good Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all when it comes, Love A xx

Home from hospital but not on a happy note :(

It's 5.30 in the morning and I haven't slept a wink. I really haven't slept in days. Every time I lie down my mind is just full of horrible thoughts. I should tell you now tho I am home from hosp. I got home Tuesday evening. I wasn't ready to get out but due to my circumstances at home they obviously let me go. There is still no care in place but for the moment I have a bed downstairs in the dining room. The dining room table has been dismantled and put behind the couch and my bed is where the table used to be. My hubby has given me one of the kids beds from his house to save me buying a bed I don't need. Being downstairs is half the reason I can't sleep. Am sleeping right under the window and I'm shit scared especially knowing someone broke in just a few days ago. The fridge and freezer are humming away, the clock ticks and I long just to go to my own bed. Even simple things like getting into my nighty in the dining room made me burst into tears. kids wandering in and out and no curtains that close in the kitchen or door to the dining room. I dont feel safe. Aw gid fun

My daughter had the first of her interviews with social services yesterday and she does the big interview with the police later today. She is terrified as you can imagine and the worst thing is I am not allowed to be with her while they question her. The social worker that's allocated to us is a nice enough bloke and the school nurse is so pleased we have him as he is one of the good guys but my daughter doesn't like him. She says he is creepy and has now started saying he's scary too. He explained yesterday what will happen today and told her the police officer will probably be a man but might be a woman. My daughter kept saying they would be scary and could she not get a lady police officer. I explained that even if it was a man they would be specially trained for this and they would be gentle and nice with her. They would have quiet voices and would not be scary. But she said to me she didn't want to be alone with them cos all men are scary now. I felt there and then that my heart had stopped beating and I couldn't breathe. It was like this whole thing hit me square in the chest. She is scared of all men!!! I've been thinking of this all night and I now need to be cruel to be kind. I am gonna have to expose her to ''safe'' men so she can learn to trust them again. Maybe since am just out of hospital then it would be an acceptable time to have visitors pop in and out. She needs to learn all men are not monsters and the sooner the better. The longer she stays like this the more damage could be done. Poor kid. She never deserved this

Since I have come home she has gone on and on at me to cut her hair. It was almost an obsession. She had long hair almost to her bum so I cut maybe 5'' off. When she looked in the mirror I could almost see her shoulders relax. I guess she needed to change herself to prove to herself she is not the same person she was. I guess it's similar to woman who cut their hair after they split up from their partners. They need to make a change to move on. She does suit it shorter and if it makes her happier then it's fine with me. It will grow again

Do you know something really sad tho? I don't know a single woman friend who has not suffered some kind of abuse as a kid, from sick uncles to a gang rape at 12! I was raped twice before I was 13, my sister was abused by the babysitter. What is it in men that they do that to children and woman I guess? Was it inevitable that somewhere and somehow someone would muck about with her? God knows

I also fell out with my mother and father in law when I was still in hospital. I guess I was just so stressed about all this I couldn't keep my mouth shut and pretend everything was all ok. I threw it in their faces about not doing anything to help us when social work were saying they would take the kids into care if I couldn't get any support from the family. She said ''you never asked.'' I said I shouldn't have had to ask. They are your grandkids. You should have been offering to help to stop them being taken away. She spat at me that it was all about my friends. God knows where that comes from but she can suit herself. They stormed out but I really don't care. I have got rid of another bit of stress I don't need. Kids sadly enough are happy they wont be round. That night at the hospital where they didn't offer to take them to stop them being taken into care has hurt and disgusted them beyond repair I think. It was a huge slap in the face to them and it was the final proof to them that their grandparents dont give a fuck about them. Sad :( On a good note tho my oldest son and his dad are on talking terms again. The day my husband found out about what happened to my daughter him and my son ended up punching each other. Two guys both consumed with guilt that they didn't manage to protect her from harm and they ended up fighting. It has cleared the air tho and we all seem to be working well together to try and move on. Lets hope it lasts

The lows just keep getting lower :(

I started off this week believing, that as a mother, things were at an all time low. A social worker visited me last Monday and basically said if the family didn't step in and help out for the 2 weeks of the October holidays then they would seriously consider taking the children away from us and putting them into care. As you can imagine I was gutted but after the initial shock I was determined to sort something out. I knew my sister was a no go as she has 3 kids already in a 2 bedroom house and she works night shift and leaves her own 2 little ones with her teenage son so it would be out of the frying pan and into the fire with them. My parents are obviously not willing to talk to me farless help so I decided to take my aunt up on her previous offer of ''doing anything she could to help out.'' So I came up with a plan. My aunt lives in Kidderminster and of course I live in Scotland but I explained about the kids being taken into care and asked her if she would come up and spend the school holidays at my Grampa's house and the kids could go and spend the holidays over there. My Grampa is 85 so isn't able to manage them on his own but with my aunt there it would have been fine. I was shocked and gutted when she said no as she was too tied up with her new lodger!!! I spent the whole day in a state knowing my life was slipping through my fingers and I could do nothing to stop it. By the next day tho I had toughened up and decided I would keep fighting and there had to be someone who would help me out. On Wednesday night my friend's daughter came down to see me and gave my kids a lift down too. I have maybe only met her half a dozen times but she is good fun and my kids think she is great cos she has purple hair and her tongue pierced. My mother and father in law also popped in that night. So I was explaining what had happened with my aunt and I basically said I was now just going to explain the situation to all my friends and impose on them to help out as much as they can. My friends daughter offered there and then to take my kids two days a week for dinner at night if it helped. And do you want to know something really disgusting? My mother and father in law sat there and said nothing. They did not offer to take them even a single day. They knew my kids could be taken into care if I couldn't get support from the family and they are not willing to take them. They truly do not deserve grandchildren.

On Friday I found out it would be 3 weeks at the earliest before homecare will be in place and I can get out of here. By that point I will have been in hospital close to 7 weeks!!!

Then on Saturday morning came the bombshell that has rocked my world beyond all belief. On Friday night my 10 year old daughter was sexually assaulted. My beautiful, innocent little girl has been ripped out her childhood and thrown into an adult world she does not belong. She was screaming in the street and luckily a neighbour was smoking on his doorstep and got to her quickly. He took her inside and calmed her down and since her 2 brothers were heading out to hunt down and kill the bastard who did it it was maybe a good job he was there. He offered to take her in a taxi to the hospital to see me but she got hysterical at this and would also not let anyone get the police. She did not want anyone else to know and she just wanted to forget it herself. One of my son's female friends came and helped her. She took her to bed and tucked her in and stayed with her till she slept. When I saw her she was subdued and very ashamed. Someone in my street phoned social services though and they came to the house and spoke to my son. They respected my daughters decision not to involve the police though they took the guys name who sexually assaulted her. When they were finished questioning my son they were happy enough with her care within the 4 walls of the house to leave her with her brothers. I truly thought they would just have taken her there and then but maybe for once common sense ruled and they left her in the security of her own home to heal. I have had a day pass out the hospital and she is with her dad tonight

First thing tomorrow I am certain my own social worker will be in again to see me and I might not be so lucky. So regardless on my own health it's time for me to go home. There is still no care put in place for me but my children's welfare matters more to me than anything else. I cant get back her innocence, I cant give her back her dignity and her self respect but I can be there to hold her when she cries, to comfort her when she is scared and remind her everyday she is worth more than the way he treated her. Maybe I know too much how she feels as I was raped when I was 8. I never told a soul so I understand her feelings to keep the police out. I guess history has a habit of repeating itself.

Tonight I am boiling with rage though at both my aunt and my mother and father in law. If they had only given a fuck about those kids my daughter might still have her innocence. I will never forgive them for the rest of my life. They failed a 10 year old girl and she has paid the price with her innocence and will keep paying it all her life and I know that cos I'm still paying mine

Oh btw I've had my house broken into and my car stolen. They broke into the house to get the car keys :( I know neither are important compared with my daughter but I just thought I would tell you

Housten We Have a Problem :(

As part of my referral to social work the nurses here have been working their way through this stupid form asking questions that have no relevance to my needs but they have to be answered. In the course of answering them tho the shit has hit the fan. The question was ''do you ever have suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself?'' and my answer was ''yes, everyday.'' The truth is I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to live my life in constant pain. I was ripped suddenly out of my normal life and thrown into this and to be honest I don't want to do it. Everyday I fantasise about all the ways I could die by accident. Car crash etc. Ways that would get me out of this shitty life that wouldn't have me committing suicide. It's only my kids that hold me here but there are times I dip so low I lose that hold and want to take off in the car. So the doctor was called and I'm up for psychiatric assessment which will decide whether I go into the psychiatric hospital or not and I'm also on suicide watch. Like I don't have enough problems :(

I'm not mad or mentally ill. My suicidal thoughts are only due to the circumstances I have found myself in with the cauda equina. They are made worse by my isolation from people (it's never good to spend too much time alone) and lack of support. I'm very lonely and I just wish someone loved me. I think if I had a partner there to love and support me I could fight this but all alone at 2 in the morning is not a nice place to be. As to committing suicide well it's a case of not if but when. I hope I can hold on till the kids are up and away but I truly don't know. The thought of living in this pain and isolation for another 30,40,50 years is enough to drive anyone to suicide.

I also took a bad fall again this morning so I've been put back to bed, hooked up to a night bag for my catheter and told to stay put.Yes Sir!!! Kids cant walk down to see tonight cos it's raining and my son has a sore head cos he got hit on the head with a rugby ball so am not gonna see anyone. I've no nighties left now either. Just need to hope it dont end up bypassing again. Fingers crossed

Addition: Oh I should add I'm at risk here of having the kids taken off me. And if the psychiatrists dig deep enough to find out my secret then I'll lose them no doubt. I'm sitting tonight trying to get my head round all this and I cant. Wish desperately I could talk this over with someone. Aw gid fun

Can I not get a break plssssssssssssssss

Day 10

Woke up today in a lot of pain and with a whacking great urine and kidney infection. I seriously feel like I have been beaten up. Am burning up and feel like shit to be honest :( Am having trouble with the catheter cos of the infection tho and I keep finding myself sitting in a puddle. Had to give my son away 2 wet nighties and pairs of knickers and I was so upset. He wasn't bothered at all. Said it's ok mum, they are only wet clothes. I can wash them. I just keep thinking he shouldn't be doing that kinda thing. My partner should be dealing with that, or my mum but not my kids. But there is no one here in my life except my kids and I know am so lucky to have such well grounded kids that they can deal with wet knickers and not freak

Saw 2 of the kids this afternoon but they came late so didn't stay long and they forgot some books lol. But they brought shampoo and knickers so that was good. No one came at night to visit though

Why is it when you feel ill you always just want someone to look after you? I would give half the world tonight for someone to just wrap their arms round me and tell me they care. I've as much chance of that happening as winning the lottery :(:(:(:( Aw gid fun

My Everest

Yesterday the physio came and got me out my bed and took me to the gym. Due to the way I have been lying in bed propped up on pillows my body seems to be unable to stand up straight anymore. Seemingly my tendons and ligaments are all doing strange things and even putting my feet flat on the floor is damned uncomfortable. I stood up as best I could but in all honesty I was bent over like an old woman and clinging for dear life to the zimmer. But I was gonna push myself as far as I could regardless of pain. At first she got me just to stand in one place but put one foot forward them back then the other. Then she pointed to a spot on the floor where there was a black mark and said could I walk to it. My legs were like lead and shaking like mad and every step was painful but I did it. It was maybe 7 or 8 steps but it felt like I was climbing a mountain. My kids used to joke with me when I was first out of hospital after the spinal injury. Every time I managed to get up the stairs they would say ''you did it mum, you climbed Everest'' and cheer at the bottom of the stairs. All these little things I manage to do that most people take for granted feel like ''My Everest'' When I got back to my bed yesterday I burst into tears with the pain but I had done it. I had got out my bed and walked. I spent the rest of the day doped up on painkillers but I have made progress. I've walked again :):):):)

There is still no sign of getting out of hospital. Guess what? We are still waiting for social services but to be honest I need to be able to walk properly again first. Even if social services were in place today there is no way I could get up the stairs to my bed in my own home. I think I am in for a long slow haul here. Aw gid fun

My son came and saw me yesterday after school. The nurses were lovely and even gave him some dinner. I'm feeling really lonely and alone just now though. This is when I hate being single the most. I've no partner (or mum) to even make sure I have the basic things I need. I asked my son if he could ask his gran if she had some talc I could borrow. He asked me ''what is talc?'' My face is dry and irritated from the hospital sheets but I know there is no chance that my kids could find moisturiser in the house. It's hard when all I really have is 3 kids to see to me. I've now run out of books too. I've read 8 books in 6 days lol. Hope someone brings me something in to read. I'll climb the walls if I dont have anything. My mother in law, who is a twisted bitch at the best of times, has found a new way to get to me. She took some of my nighties away to wash but brought them back to me wet!! I didn't know this tho and when the nurse took them out the bag for me to go for a shower they stank of damp and were wet :(:(:(:( She knew I needed clothes so brought me in a pair of my daughters trousers and pants both which were still wet!!!! Ok I admit my daughter is into adult women's clothes but she is nowhere near my size. So on the outside it looks like she is being helpful but underneath she is being twisted. All day I sat in this stinking nighty and just wished I had someone here with me. I'm not meant to be alone. I'm one half of a couple. But in all honest who in their right minds would want me??? Am 34 and basically a useless cripple, a parasite. I've got a catheter in which is horrible but atleast I dont stink of pee lol. What young man would possibly want to burden his life with me??? I think I have to face up to the fact no one will ever want me again and that is the most horrible thought ever. I sometimes cant bear the thought of living the rest of my life in this amount of pain but I also cant bear the thought of living it alone either. What is the point? :(

In Hospital

Hello. I'm writing this blog from hospital. My GP came to see me on Friday and basically said I needed taken into hospital. She said the kids couldn't cope with looking after me and I needed basic nursing and physiotherapy to get me back on my feet. I have also had a permanent catheter fitted for the moment. The bad news is I could be in here for weeks cos I don't think they will let me out till social services have put the care in place at home. While I am in hospital the nurses will put daily pressure on social services to hurry up so they can free up a bed. So if I leave before social services have done their stuff then they will just forget about me again. I told my Dr today I will stay as long as I can but once I'm up on my feet again and if something happens to the kids then I will go home. Simple as that

As to the kids that is not a happy story. My ex hubby refused to take my oldest son :( Only 6 weeks after he was home alone and he tried to kill himself my ex says that. I had to tell my son that he wasn't going to his dad's and that wasn't nice. I had really hoped my ex would just look after my son for a few days. Put a meal infront of him instead of the other way round but it didn't happen. My son was hurt but is trying not to show it. Since then my daughter has also gone home to stay with her brother. They both have a bad cold/flu thing and I just feel awful sitting here when they are ill at home. But I still cant walk yet so I cant help them anyways. I would be there with cuddles though. The school nurse came to see me today and also popped in to see my oldest son and daughter to check on them. She has told me she has no concerns at all about my daughter staying with her brother and as far as the law is concerned there is nothing to worry about. I got my laptop brought into hosp today to do a tesco online shopping for them so atleast I know there is plenty of food for them and I took the chance to update my blog.

I'm not getting any visitors really with the kids being ill and away. I have a sister but she is away down south at her T.A. camp so she cant come in. No one else has really come. My middle son says he will come straight from school tomorrow so it will be lovely to see him. I miss my kids terribly and I really do wonder what my life has come to when the only person who visited me today was the school nurse.

As to my mobility things are not much better. I wasn't out my bed till Monday and then all they did was get me to stand up though I must admit that was pretty difficult. I couldn't even stand up straight. I was hunched over like an old woman. My muscles have wasted fast and am pretty damned weak. I stood up again today and I'm getting some more physio tomorrow. My pain has got a lot worse today and I'm doped to my eyes with pills. Not good :(

Anyways now I have my laptop in I can update this with any progress

A New Low

I think I can truly say I have hit an all time low. My accident last week, though it seems quite trivial, has left me in pain unimaginable and I have been pretty much confined to bed since then. For the first 4 days I couldn't even get up to go to the toilet which was horrible. Even with incontinence pads and rubber sheeting underneath me I still found it very hard to ''let go'' sitting in my bed. It went against everything we learn when we learn to control our bladders. But needs must. My mother in law phoned my GP on Friday and told them the situation and my GP said she would phone Social Services and get me some emergency care put into place. I'm still waiting!! It's incomprehensible that in Scotland in this day and age that I can be sitting filthy in my own bed and cant get any personal care sorted. I thought this ''Care in the Community'' was supposed to mean people like me can get help to be independent in their own homes? Surely also the welfare of my children must come into play somewhere? I am not able to do anything for them. They are cooking and washing clothes I know but god knows what state the house will be in. The thing is as well is my son has hurt his back lifting me (I'm not a small girl lol) so he has been unable for days now to give me any help. It's like ''it never rains but it pours''. Last night a male friend was set to drive to my house at 10.45 (and it's an hours drive) to come and bath me (with his girlfriends backing) which blew me away. It was so good to know that somewhere someone gave a shit about me. I said no though, half through pride and half through the fact my kids were sleeping and I did not want them to wake up in the middle of the night and find a strange man bathing mummy. And I was sure Social Services would come today though but they haven't. Now Mother Nature has put her wooden spoon in which now ensures I will let no one near me to help. My son told me he doesn't care. Said he would wipe my arse if I needed it but the thought of him smelling me is just so damned horrible I keep crying. Maybe if he was a girl it would be easier. I dont know. So I'm stuck in my own filth till I can get in the bath myself. All I can think about today (again) is where is my mum in all this? I know she would have helped me get bathed. She would have been there with a basin of water and a face cloth and I would have let her help me if only my dad hadn't stopped her seeing me. I feel so sad. I just feel like everything is working against me :(

I still cant get my head round how my life changed. How did I go from being healthy and happy one day to being a bloody parasite the next. I can do nothing for myself at the moment. I need brought food and coffee, I need lifted to get out of bed to the toilet (though this is an improvement on earier so I wont knock it) and I need help to have a bath. I went from looking after my kids to them looking after me, the carer to the one needing care. Something isn't right here. They are all out tonight and I would just love a coffee and a pee. Pathetic amn't I lol?

What's ironic too is that I used to work as a Home Carer. I went into disabled and old people's houses and provided personal care, got them up in the mornings, put them to bed at nights, took them to the toilet, bathed them, cooked etc. I always worked in a pair on my round and met a few other carers. I always treated my clients with dignity, never called them pet or love or worst of all doll, never treated them like a child which a lot of other carers did. Maybe because my parents were both disabled I knew all about the ''does he take sugar?'' way that people treat disabled people. I used to hate when I was shopping with mum and pushing her in her chair and she would hand money to the shop assistant and they would give me the change. I'm finding it already as I am using my own wheelchair. I'm dreading being treated like a child if and when I do some help. I think that will just add insult to injury. I have always been a very proud and very independent woman and I am day by day losing both. I have sat in tears most of today, one half of me hoping beyond words for help and the other half of me gutted that I need it. Aw gid fun

I've said it before folks and I will no doubt say it again but please, please make the most of your life. Dont find yourself sitting like me one day and wondering why the hell it all had to go wrong

Just call me Lucky lol

Summer hasn't really come to Scotland this year or if it did I blinked and missed it so when I woke up this morning I thought it looked a nice day so I would get out in the garden for a bit. I rested in my bed for a few hours and let my painkillers kick in. Gardening is always a compromise for me. I know if I do it I will need to spend the next 2 days in bed recovering. But the back garden was a tip (not helped by the teenage boys who have spent the summer lounging about in it) and it gets me down cos I always had such a lovely garden and to see it full of weeds and rubbish makes my heart break. So I went outside but first went to hang some washing up and the whirligig fell on me and I pulled a muscle in my back. I tried to pull some weeds out but the pain in my back was unbearable and it was hurting me even to breathe. I sat on the step and looked at the mess in the garden and my knew my useless f**ken body couldn't tidy it up and I just cried, first with the pain and second with the sacrifices I have had to make since the cauda equina hit me. The simple pleasures of gardening, knitting or even just getting out and about have been denied me and I can tell you it sucks big time. I have been feeling really down recently but I had perked up enough today to get my car keys back off my son (when I get down I have the urge to drive and drive and he worries I maybe wont come back. He knows I would never abandon them but I do fight suicidal thoughts a lot and when I want to drive he knows am in a bad way) Sitting here just now I feel I have slumped right back down again. It seems to be one step forward two steps back in my life just now and I hate it :( When is my life going to get better? Answers on a post card lol

Kids and Lawyers

There is something not many people know about but I'm involved in a pretty big and long legal case. I've not done anything wrong before you think I'm some kinda criminal. It's the opposite really. Someone did something pretty wrong to me. Anyways I got an email from my lawyer recently regarding some important things and it had been playing on my mind. Previously I always talked to my dad about these things but he doesn't care anymore so there is no one to talk to about it. My kids all know about my legal case. On Thursday there my boys were having a right banter just before we were going shopping. They were laughing and joking. Pretty wound up I guess but in a good way. It was all fun and considering the recent shit we have gone through fun way beats tears, anger and frustration. I said to them I had got an email from my lawyer and she wanted to come to the house and see me but they were too busy having a laugh to pay much attention. So I left it. But in the car going to the shops I asked ''will you guys listen to me now about my lawyer?'' And my middle son said ''phone an answering machine. It will listen.'' I just froze really. He had meant it as a joke but it just hammered home to me how sad I am that am trying to talk to two teenagers about things like that as I don't have anyone else to talk to. It was a pretty horrible feeling :(

Tidying up the garden

It's been a nice day here and my son and I have been working in the front garden. Gardening was always my biggest hobby and my garden was my pride and joy but it's slipped since I've been disabled. But we got a lot of tidying up done and it looks so much better. I'm exhausted and in agony with my back now though and I'll pay for it with a few days stuck in bed :( but it's worth it. It's been a strange thing though that since my son got out of hospital I have had this urge to mend anything that's broken. I have been doing little repairs in the house and cleaning as much as I'm able to. It's almost like if I can fix all the things that are broken around me then maybe I can fix my life too. I'm not sure. But whatever the reason the results are good in that the house and now the garden are looking much better. Just need to tackle the back garden now. It's just a pity that most pleasure in my life now involves pain :( It's sometimes had to comprehend I will spend my whole life in what is sometimes unbearable pain. The pain killers take the edge off things but the side effects are so bad that sometimes I feel I'm living a half life due to them. I cant remember much about anything anymore. Days go by in a haze. I'm so sleepy too. Sometimes I find it difficult to even speak or type as words get mixed up or just disappear. I find myself trying to say tree and say tractor instead. Or try to talk about Dublin and say Belfast instead. The worst thing is finding I can get the first letter of a word out but the rest doesn't come and I'm left floundering with my mouth open looking bloody stupid. It's mad! But I try not to think about what I've lost and what the future holds for me as it makes me just want to give up and that's not good