Em.... What's been happening since the last post?

It's been a while since I last wrote anything here and it's fair to say I have gone through one of the worst and emotionally draining times as a parent and also in my adult life. The sexual assault my daughter suffered in October has changed all our lives in a such a huge way it's hard to see any resemblance to the family we were before. I guess I should bring you up to date on what happened. Social services back out of our lives almost immediately as the matter became a criminal one and not a social one so that was a relief but from what I was told by the social worker there was no case against the young man who did this as it was his word against my daughters. The police never did get in contact with us though :( My daughter is terrified to leave the house alone as this young man lives only a few doors away and not a day goes by where she doesn't see him. She doesn't go out to play anymore and has had to be brought home on occasions by the head teacher in an awful state. She suffers panic attack when she needs to leave the house or when it's time to come home from school. The worst thing has been her ''black'' times though. I'm not sure what to call them, a strop maybe, a bad time? I'm not sure but what I do know is that when they start it takes 2 to 3 hours for them to pass and it's awful. She cries and screams and rages and mostly it's directed at me. Nothing I can say or do brings her out of it any quicker and at times I have felt I don't have the strength to carry on but somehow I always do. The worst part of it all is when it's finished and she becomes my daughter again and she is exhausted from all the emotion and she is so sorry. She doesn't even remember how it started but she knows she is sorry for it all and it breaks my heart. From almost the instant this happened she wanted her hair cut. Her hair was almost to her waist and so beautiful. I think she needed to change herself though and prove she was no longer that girl anymore. He beautiful hair is now cut to her shoulders but if it helps then maybe it's worth it. I was always sure that there was more to what happened to my daughter than she told us and unfortunately my fears were true. A few nights before Christmas I was talking with her and my sons friend and his girlfriend in a very casual situation. In all the hours I have spent with her I got no where in this but out the blue she talked and things are much worse than we thought. But one good thing came out and it's that there is there is a part witness and someone who can blow this guys defence out the window. He claimed that he was trying to go to the toilet when this happened and that was why he ended up in my daughters room. The scheme of houses I live in have some houses like mine and some a mirror image of mine and he said he was confused as his house was the opposite way from mine. But from what my daughter said, and the witness, this guy came OUT of the toilet and went into her room. I should explain what happened. My daughter had been downstairs talking to a friend on MSN. My sons friend wanted to put music on but she said no so he started teasing her and she went upstairs in a huff. As my oldest son was outside trying to stop these idiots who had travelled across town to ''gatecrash'' the house as they had heard he I was in hospital and there were no parents at home from wrecking the garden. He had left a friend in charge though and when my daughter went upstairs his friend went to check on her. While his friend was checking on her, her attacker came out the toilet and into her room. He insisted to my son's friend he would ''take care'' of things and that he should go and he would see she was all right and ''take care'' of things he did :( My son's friend has backed up 100% what my daughter said and has agreed to tell the police so I'm going back to the police next week. This shows he had intent and also blows his story apart as he came from the toilet. It all means my daughter is going to have to go back through the police questioning again but maybe now he will be punished for what he did instead of walking round the streets happy as Larry while my daughter hides at home

One big change we made in the house was move my daughter out her bedroom. For the first few weeks life was awful and it was a fight every night to get her to bed. She was plagued by nightmares and she cried out and screamed in her sleep and all night I could hear her bangles jangling together as she thrashed about the bed. She had the most awful flash backs too. Some nights me and her would sit up the whole night and read stories and write poetry but the poor kid was exhausted, as was I. It all came to a head one Sunday night with me collapsing, a huge hole in one of my walls, a broken bed and everyone in a state. We moved her into my bedroom the next day (I'm still sleeping in the kitchen) This has been a good move for us all but it has left me homeless. My daughter had a tiny room and she had a high cabin bed which even if I could get upstairs I wouldn't even be able to climb into. Since Christmas is over am gonna try to get myself a bed for her room because it has hit me quite hard that I have no where in this house where I can close a door and be alone, no where to lie in peace and no where to cry alone. My kitchen is open plan and there is no privacy at all. I try to sleep every night with the sound of gun fire and the flickering lights of COD or Gears of War through the glass door of the living room. Now with a new PS3 I guess I will have some different sounds of gunfire to try and sleep too. The joys!! I wonder sometimes what would happen if I got ill. It makes me panic. I need somewhere to call my own. Don't know if you can understand that. So somehow I need to find the money to get a bed and make her old room into somewhere for me.

Taking away my daughters troubles, which have affected us all deeply, life has been better for us since I am down stairs again. The kids have responded well to having me back in their lives again and even if I could start to manage the stairs again I don't want to go back up there and be so isolated again. I have ''the girls'' now who come in every week day to help me clean the house and do shopping if I need it. It's even ok if when they come in all I want to do is sit and talk. They are there to support me in whatever way is needed. This has made a huge difference to us all and the pressure is off the kids. Since I have come home from hospital I have only had one visitor so without them I would be so lonely. It's nice to see someone everyday and just chat about anything and nothing. My parents and parents in law have still maintained their stand against us with no contact at all over Christmas. I held my daughter tonight as she sobbed that she misses my mum so much and again I felt the hurt. Oh that's reminded me of something else. I mistakenly received a few emails my mum had sent someone else regarding me and she was nasty beyond belief. She told this other person not to help me as I was faking it when I was in hospital. How she could even think that is beyond me. No one would fake something like that and leave a 17 year old only 6 weeks from a suicide attempt looking after 2 kids on his own. She is trying to poison everyone against me with a concoction of lies that are down right ludicrous. I just hope my other family members can see her for the sick minded woman she is. It also came to light she was telling my mother in law I was faking it and it looks like that is why she did nothing to help when I was in hospital. Pretty sad that her actions lost my children their other set of grand parents. She has also been ''leaking'' some of my secrets to my mother in law in a bid to cause trouble between my husband and me but it backfired. What I cant understand is, is it not enough what she did without trying to take everyone else away from me too? I think maybe she knows how wrong she was and is trying to tell lies to make what she did seem better. Also if she convinces herself I'm faking it then she doesn't need to do anything to help. My daughter paid the price for that though cos if my mum had been looking after her she would never have been sexually assaulted. A little part of me hopes she cant sleep at night thinking how her twisted nature cost that little girl her innocence. But life is too short to hold a grudge I guess.

Anyways Christmas is over and we had a quiet but good Christmas. Hogmany is likely to be just as quiet I guess. I will try and write again sooner than last time though. It's 3.43am so am gonna try to sleep now. Wish me luck lol. I hope you all had a good Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all when it comes, Love A xx

Home from hospital but not on a happy note :(

It's 5.30 in the morning and I haven't slept a wink. I really haven't slept in days. Every time I lie down my mind is just full of horrible thoughts. I should tell you now tho I am home from hosp. I got home Tuesday evening. I wasn't ready to get out but due to my circumstances at home they obviously let me go. There is still no care in place but for the moment I have a bed downstairs in the dining room. The dining room table has been dismantled and put behind the couch and my bed is where the table used to be. My hubby has given me one of the kids beds from his house to save me buying a bed I don't need. Being downstairs is half the reason I can't sleep. Am sleeping right under the window and I'm shit scared especially knowing someone broke in just a few days ago. The fridge and freezer are humming away, the clock ticks and I long just to go to my own bed. Even simple things like getting into my nighty in the dining room made me burst into tears. kids wandering in and out and no curtains that close in the kitchen or door to the dining room. I dont feel safe. Aw gid fun

My daughter had the first of her interviews with social services yesterday and she does the big interview with the police later today. She is terrified as you can imagine and the worst thing is I am not allowed to be with her while they question her. The social worker that's allocated to us is a nice enough bloke and the school nurse is so pleased we have him as he is one of the good guys but my daughter doesn't like him. She says he is creepy and has now started saying he's scary too. He explained yesterday what will happen today and told her the police officer will probably be a man but might be a woman. My daughter kept saying they would be scary and could she not get a lady police officer. I explained that even if it was a man they would be specially trained for this and they would be gentle and nice with her. They would have quiet voices and would not be scary. But she said to me she didn't want to be alone with them cos all men are scary now. I felt there and then that my heart had stopped beating and I couldn't breathe. It was like this whole thing hit me square in the chest. She is scared of all men!!! I've been thinking of this all night and I now need to be cruel to be kind. I am gonna have to expose her to ''safe'' men so she can learn to trust them again. Maybe since am just out of hospital then it would be an acceptable time to have visitors pop in and out. She needs to learn all men are not monsters and the sooner the better. The longer she stays like this the more damage could be done. Poor kid. She never deserved this

Since I have come home she has gone on and on at me to cut her hair. It was almost an obsession. She had long hair almost to her bum so I cut maybe 5'' off. When she looked in the mirror I could almost see her shoulders relax. I guess she needed to change herself to prove to herself she is not the same person she was. I guess it's similar to woman who cut their hair after they split up from their partners. They need to make a change to move on. She does suit it shorter and if it makes her happier then it's fine with me. It will grow again

Do you know something really sad tho? I don't know a single woman friend who has not suffered some kind of abuse as a kid, from sick uncles to a gang rape at 12! I was raped twice before I was 13, my sister was abused by the babysitter. What is it in men that they do that to children and woman I guess? Was it inevitable that somewhere and somehow someone would muck about with her? God knows

I also fell out with my mother and father in law when I was still in hospital. I guess I was just so stressed about all this I couldn't keep my mouth shut and pretend everything was all ok. I threw it in their faces about not doing anything to help us when social work were saying they would take the kids into care if I couldn't get any support from the family. She said ''you never asked.'' I said I shouldn't have had to ask. They are your grandkids. You should have been offering to help to stop them being taken away. She spat at me that it was all about my friends. God knows where that comes from but she can suit herself. They stormed out but I really don't care. I have got rid of another bit of stress I don't need. Kids sadly enough are happy they wont be round. That night at the hospital where they didn't offer to take them to stop them being taken into care has hurt and disgusted them beyond repair I think. It was a huge slap in the face to them and it was the final proof to them that their grandparents dont give a fuck about them. Sad :( On a good note tho my oldest son and his dad are on talking terms again. The day my husband found out about what happened to my daughter him and my son ended up punching each other. Two guys both consumed with guilt that they didn't manage to protect her from harm and they ended up fighting. It has cleared the air tho and we all seem to be working well together to try and move on. Lets hope it lasts

My F**ked Up Life

I said to a friend the other day that I use my blog as a bit of a diary and they laughed at me and said ''I thought that was what a blog was''. So am gonna get something off my chest here cos as usual with my sad, fucked up life am left to deal with all the shit on my own

For the first time since my oldest son's suicide attempt things were actually looking up this week. We had had 4 settled days then my mum decided to upset everyone again. She is trying everything she can to see my kids behind my back, involving other people, but hasn't stopped to consider the fact that my kids might want fuck all to do with her after her shocking treatment of me. They boys have point blank said they dont ever want to see her again because of the way she hurt me. Boys tend to be protective towards their mums tho. I actually had to pull my son out of school today cos I found out she was actually going to approach him at school!! My son who as you might know if you have been following my blog is autistic. He is incredibly sensitive but very hard to get close to. He takes everything in but finds it very hard to let anything out. He was so close to my mum and took this situation the worst. It took me 2 weeks to get him in any state to go back to school and I had to cope with his tears, tantrums and worst of all his violent outbursts. 4 of my doors and 3 walls have been left with holes in them due to his frustrations. He was barely on his feet when the trouble with my oldest son happened and he plummeted right back down. Last Saturday I ended up flat on my back with him on top of me when his frustration got too much for him. I dont think he actually pushed me over but he did kinda push at me and since I'm so unsteady on my feet I fell over. In the aftermath of that I really did think things couldn't get any worse but surprisingly we did have a good week. Tonight tho he is crippled with a migraine (he has pretty much had 3 months of migraines with the stress of it all) and my daughter is going about screaming at everyone who so much as looks at her the wrong way. Am lost at what I can do to help them. I am gonna have to find the strength to pick up the pieces AGAIN but I'm barely managing to hold things together myself. Why cant my mum understand that and leave us alone? She wrecked our lives a few months ago and has done it again about once a month since then. Everytime I lift my head she kicks me back down. Not only have I lost the support of my parents but they are doing everything possible to wreck whatever stability I work hard to get with the kids. Since I came home when my son was in hospital I have not even had 5 mins to myself to try and put things right for myself. Basically my oldest son has been a continuous shadow as, I'm sure you can understand, he was not able to be left on his own. I have spent all my time supporting the kids that I haven't even started to sort out my own feelings. I almost lost my son and that's a hard thing to get your head round. My husband was supposed to be taking the kids on Saturday and keeping them all night. It might not sound much but I was clinging onto that little bit of time on my own but he has cancelled. It doesn't matter how desperate I am for a break or what my plans were. Why am I being left to do this all on my own?

Today I just want to get in my car and drive and drive and never come home. There's nothing left here for me anymore.

Runrig at Scone Palace

I was lucky enough this week to see Runrig live at Scone Palace :) I have been a life long Runrig Fan getting my first album at aged 5. I have met the band and been to countless concerts over the years. The concert was brilliant and it was good to see some of the older stuff in there. Things like Every River and the surprise of the night was Nightfall on Marsco. I never thought Runrig would be the same after Donnie left but they have come back even stronger and though I miss Donnie, Bruce has done some amazing stuff with them.

I had thought my concert going days were over but I had made a promise to my youngest son that one day I would take him to a Runrig concert so one wheelchair later and I did and he was so happy. He had a brilliant time. One of the few highlights of this year.

The funniest part of the day was an anouncement over the loud speakers saying could the owner of the car, registration number blah blah blah, could you please go back to your car you have left the engine running!!!!! Now how the hell do you manage that????

Kids and Lawyers

There is something not many people know about but I'm involved in a pretty big and long legal case. I've not done anything wrong before you think I'm some kinda criminal. It's the opposite really. Someone did something pretty wrong to me. Anyways I got an email from my lawyer recently regarding some important things and it had been playing on my mind. Previously I always talked to my dad about these things but he doesn't care anymore so there is no one to talk to about it. My kids all know about my legal case. On Thursday there my boys were having a right banter just before we were going shopping. They were laughing and joking. Pretty wound up I guess but in a good way. It was all fun and considering the recent shit we have gone through fun way beats tears, anger and frustration. I said to them I had got an email from my lawyer and she wanted to come to the house and see me but they were too busy having a laugh to pay much attention. So I left it. But in the car going to the shops I asked ''will you guys listen to me now about my lawyer?'' And my middle son said ''phone an answering machine. It will listen.'' I just froze really. He had meant it as a joke but it just hammered home to me how sad I am that am trying to talk to two teenagers about things like that as I don't have anyone else to talk to. It was a pretty horrible feeling :(

The worst day of my life

I'm back. I should be sitting here wanting to tell you all about my wonderful holiday but surprise surprise my shitty life didn't go to plan.

I got to India fine and spent a few good days wandering about and going on some tours but on the Tuesday night I got a call from a friend to say my son was in hospital and I needed to call the hospital as no one would tell her what was happening as she was not next of kin. So at 1.30 in the morning am standing in the hotel lobby making an international call to get the worst news a parent can get. My son was on life support and was dying. He was not expected to make it through the night :( He had taken 2 massive seizures and had considerable swelling on his brain. It emerged he had taken an overdose of my slow release Tramadol and also some Pregabalin. My son had tried to commit suicide. The fact the pills he took were slow release tablets was what was killing him. They couldn't pump his stomach and get rid of it. It was all in his blood and killing him. I was wracked with guilt it was my medicine he had taken

The next few hours passed in a series of phone calls. Calls to my sister and mother in law to get them to go to the hospital. Phone calls to the police to get them to trace my husband who was on holiday also and in an area with no mobile phone signal. Phone calls to a friend to get online and find out when I could get my flights home changed. As it turned out it took me 3 days to get home which I think have to be the worst 3 days of my life. On the Wednesday morning I was due to go on a tour to the Golden Temple in Amritsar and I decided still to go cos if nothing else I could pray for my son. I'm not a religious person at all but sitting helpless as I was 6000 miles away from home praying for him was all I could do. Maybe it was just my state of mind but I found a very spiritual experience there and found a little comfort in the mess that surrounded me.

Against all odds my son pulled through and I got home from India. He was released home but the person infront of me was not my son. His speech was slurred, he was staggering about, he couldn't hold a conversation and forgot what he had said 20 mins earlier. The worst thing was he was aggressive and threatening. What we didn't know was if there was brain damage or was it just the drugs still in his system. Luckily it was just the drugs still in his system and after a few days he was back to his normal kind and loving self. He is a very lucky young man as there seems to be no lasting damage. All we need to do is find a way forward

I must admit I am stressed out my head and buckling under the pressure. I broke on Saturday there and cried the whole day. What I can't understand is where are my family and friends? Apart from one couple no one is coming to see us, no one is helping out, no one is supporting the kids, no one is even sending txt msgs of support. It seems to be that people think it's over now my son is out of hospital but no one seems to realise that this is just the beginning. We have huge hurdles to over come. My other two kids are so messed up I am at a loss of what to do. Late last night I spent almost 2 hours writing letters to their teacher/guidance teacher explaining that I was sending two wrecks back to school today and it just hammered home how badly all this has effected them. My parents are still not talking to me and it's breaking my heart that in a situation as bad as my son trying to kill himself they are keeping up their petty argument and wont get in touch with me. These kinds of situations should put things back into perspective and bring families back together. But it's hasn't. My mother and father in law who have the time on their hands to say take the two wee ones to the park or something (things I'm not able to do since I got the cauda equina) are still not interested in seeing their grand kids and maybe just helping them by getting them out the house and doing some normal kid like things which they desperately need just now. Somewhere I believe that my parents and parents in law hold a share in the responsibility of what happened to my son as they have had the opportunity to help us and take some of the pressure off my son that ultimately led to his suicide attempt and they haven't done it. My mother and father in law crossed my door twice last year in a year that saw my marriage break up and my life and the kids lives turned upside down with my spinal injury. I was pretty much confined to bed the whole year yet they didn't care enough to even take their grand kids out for a day and support them in a terrible time in their lives. My parents, who had been very supportive till May this year when my dad made my mum choose between me and him which ripped the family apart and devastated me and my kids especially when my parents said they didn't care if I was dead or not. I believe this has been the last straw for my son as he then was the only person I could rely on and he held all the responsibility for me, his brother and sister and the house. No wonder the poor kid broke. What is disgusting me the most with my parents is this situation was so avoidable. They didn't need to throw this wobbly. There has been so much shit in my kids lives that no one could stop or do anything about but this didn't need to happen. They gave no consideration to those kids when they did this and the damage they did was devastating. Just shows how selfish people can be :(

So amidst the wreckage of our lives I need to find a way forward and find it completely on my own. It's heart breaking to know no one cares about us and I wonder where do I find the strength to support 3 seriously messed up kids and keep going myself? You might think I'm being petty but it's amazing how a little txt saying someone is thinking of you, sent when you think you are at your lowest and cant find a way back up again, can make all the difference

So the moral of the story is, as my title says, live life for today cos you dont know what tomorrow will bring. I almost lost my son. Also support the people around you. Open your eyes and see other peoples pain and difficulties cos you dont know when that one little txt/email will make all the difference. I should add here that out the blue someone came to me the other day at 1.30 in the morning after coming home from holiday to find my msg about my son. They jumped straight back in the car and drove through and gave me just what I needed which was some human comfort. When I thought I was at the bottom they lifted me back up and gave me the strength to continue, but for how long I dont know. Time will tell

Meet Fudge

This is Fudge my friend's pet hamster we have been looking after all week while she was on holiday. I had gerbils and hamsters when I was young but I dont remember them being this much fun :). The kids have adored her and played with her for hours. It's only July but a hamster is already on my daughters Christmas list lol. The cages she is in is like an activity gym. Much better than the wire bar cages my gerbil and hamsters were in.

The Weekend

It's the weekend :) kids are away to their dad's overnight and while the cat's away the mice will play lol. I love just the freedom when they are away like that, although I do love my kids. So tonight will be a night with friends, a few drinks and a mega chill out. What better for the weekend?

I should update you on my daughter too. She doesn't need any surgery on her face for the moment. The Dr's are happy enough to let it heal on it's own for the moment and correct any damage later if it heals badly or her face looks asymmetrical. So that's great. We can all go ahead with our holiday plans. While the kids go away for a fortnight with their dad I'm off to India for a sight seeing trip. Plan on seeing the Golden Temple and the Taj Mahal hopefully and this little temple my friend has visited where miracles happen and you can make a wish for the future. I cant wait. I have applied for my visa and will book my flights next week.

The Danger of Trampolines

My daughter was injured on a trampoline at a friends house last Friday when she was accidentally kicked in the face. Doesn't sound serious? Well believe me it is. She has broken 2 of the bones in her cheek. She ended up being admitted to hospital with concussion and shock and was in a bad way actually. But that was only the beginning. She saw the facial surgeon on Monday and she has a 70% chance of needing surgery. Her face has been left numb due to the nerves being damaged. (She says it feels like after being at the dentist). If she is lucky the nerves are only being squashed by the swelling and will repair but that could take up to a year!! If she is unlucky the nerves are crushed between the bones and will never repair. Her face will be numb for the rest of her life. As time goes on she will likely suffer increasing double vision and visual disturbances also. Her sinus cavity also seems to be crushed so she is likely to have difficulty breathing through her nose. She is in so much pain with it that it breaks my heart :( She cant eat properly, cant drink properly, she cant even brush her teeth. She even struggles to curl her lips round the medicine spoon to take her pain killers :( Poor wee thing.

All this from playing on a trampoline? You better believe it. Due to my spinal injury I have lots of little falls and some big ones so unfortunately I have spent a fair amount of time in the waiting room at A&E and every time I am there, there is a kids with a broken leg or arm, cuts, scrapes, sprains and bruises and all from trampoline accidents. Late at night there are adults who have been drinking and decided to have a shot on the trampoline and have been hurt. These things are dangerous

Trampolines are not toys. Children should be supervised at all times. They should only be on one at a time and please get them to take off their shoes. My daughters friend was wearing trainers when she kicked her face. Maybe if she had had bare feet the damage might have been less.

My daughter has to get a CT scan this week and sees the facial surgeon next Monday. I'll let you know how it goes