Home from hospital but not on a happy note :(

It's 5.30 in the morning and I haven't slept a wink. I really haven't slept in days. Every time I lie down my mind is just full of horrible thoughts. I should tell you now tho I am home from hosp. I got home Tuesday evening. I wasn't ready to get out but due to my circumstances at home they obviously let me go. There is still no care in place but for the moment I have a bed downstairs in the dining room. The dining room table has been dismantled and put behind the couch and my bed is where the table used to be. My hubby has given me one of the kids beds from his house to save me buying a bed I don't need. Being downstairs is half the reason I can't sleep. Am sleeping right under the window and I'm shit scared especially knowing someone broke in just a few days ago. The fridge and freezer are humming away, the clock ticks and I long just to go to my own bed. Even simple things like getting into my nighty in the dining room made me burst into tears. kids wandering in and out and no curtains that close in the kitchen or door to the dining room. I dont feel safe. Aw gid fun

My daughter had the first of her interviews with social services yesterday and she does the big interview with the police later today. She is terrified as you can imagine and the worst thing is I am not allowed to be with her while they question her. The social worker that's allocated to us is a nice enough bloke and the school nurse is so pleased we have him as he is one of the good guys but my daughter doesn't like him. She says he is creepy and has now started saying he's scary too. He explained yesterday what will happen today and told her the police officer will probably be a man but might be a woman. My daughter kept saying they would be scary and could she not get a lady police officer. I explained that even if it was a man they would be specially trained for this and they would be gentle and nice with her. They would have quiet voices and would not be scary. But she said to me she didn't want to be alone with them cos all men are scary now. I felt there and then that my heart had stopped beating and I couldn't breathe. It was like this whole thing hit me square in the chest. She is scared of all men!!! I've been thinking of this all night and I now need to be cruel to be kind. I am gonna have to expose her to ''safe'' men so she can learn to trust them again. Maybe since am just out of hospital then it would be an acceptable time to have visitors pop in and out. She needs to learn all men are not monsters and the sooner the better. The longer she stays like this the more damage could be done. Poor kid. She never deserved this

Since I have come home she has gone on and on at me to cut her hair. It was almost an obsession. She had long hair almost to her bum so I cut maybe 5'' off. When she looked in the mirror I could almost see her shoulders relax. I guess she needed to change herself to prove to herself she is not the same person she was. I guess it's similar to woman who cut their hair after they split up from their partners. They need to make a change to move on. She does suit it shorter and if it makes her happier then it's fine with me. It will grow again

Do you know something really sad tho? I don't know a single woman friend who has not suffered some kind of abuse as a kid, from sick uncles to a gang rape at 12! I was raped twice before I was 13, my sister was abused by the babysitter. What is it in men that they do that to children and woman I guess? Was it inevitable that somewhere and somehow someone would muck about with her? God knows

I also fell out with my mother and father in law when I was still in hospital. I guess I was just so stressed about all this I couldn't keep my mouth shut and pretend everything was all ok. I threw it in their faces about not doing anything to help us when social work were saying they would take the kids into care if I couldn't get any support from the family. She said ''you never asked.'' I said I shouldn't have had to ask. They are your grandkids. You should have been offering to help to stop them being taken away. She spat at me that it was all about my friends. God knows where that comes from but she can suit herself. They stormed out but I really don't care. I have got rid of another bit of stress I don't need. Kids sadly enough are happy they wont be round. That night at the hospital where they didn't offer to take them to stop them being taken into care has hurt and disgusted them beyond repair I think. It was a huge slap in the face to them and it was the final proof to them that their grandparents dont give a fuck about them. Sad :( On a good note tho my oldest son and his dad are on talking terms again. The day my husband found out about what happened to my daughter him and my son ended up punching each other. Two guys both consumed with guilt that they didn't manage to protect her from harm and they ended up fighting. It has cleared the air tho and we all seem to be working well together to try and move on. Lets hope it lasts

The lows just keep getting lower :(

I started off this week believing, that as a mother, things were at an all time low. A social worker visited me last Monday and basically said if the family didn't step in and help out for the 2 weeks of the October holidays then they would seriously consider taking the children away from us and putting them into care. As you can imagine I was gutted but after the initial shock I was determined to sort something out. I knew my sister was a no go as she has 3 kids already in a 2 bedroom house and she works night shift and leaves her own 2 little ones with her teenage son so it would be out of the frying pan and into the fire with them. My parents are obviously not willing to talk to me farless help so I decided to take my aunt up on her previous offer of ''doing anything she could to help out.'' So I came up with a plan. My aunt lives in Kidderminster and of course I live in Scotland but I explained about the kids being taken into care and asked her if she would come up and spend the school holidays at my Grampa's house and the kids could go and spend the holidays over there. My Grampa is 85 so isn't able to manage them on his own but with my aunt there it would have been fine. I was shocked and gutted when she said no as she was too tied up with her new lodger!!! I spent the whole day in a state knowing my life was slipping through my fingers and I could do nothing to stop it. By the next day tho I had toughened up and decided I would keep fighting and there had to be someone who would help me out. On Wednesday night my friend's daughter came down to see me and gave my kids a lift down too. I have maybe only met her half a dozen times but she is good fun and my kids think she is great cos she has purple hair and her tongue pierced. My mother and father in law also popped in that night. So I was explaining what had happened with my aunt and I basically said I was now just going to explain the situation to all my friends and impose on them to help out as much as they can. My friends daughter offered there and then to take my kids two days a week for dinner at night if it helped. And do you want to know something really disgusting? My mother and father in law sat there and said nothing. They did not offer to take them even a single day. They knew my kids could be taken into care if I couldn't get support from the family and they are not willing to take them. They truly do not deserve grandchildren.

On Friday I found out it would be 3 weeks at the earliest before homecare will be in place and I can get out of here. By that point I will have been in hospital close to 7 weeks!!!

Then on Saturday morning came the bombshell that has rocked my world beyond all belief. On Friday night my 10 year old daughter was sexually assaulted. My beautiful, innocent little girl has been ripped out her childhood and thrown into an adult world she does not belong. She was screaming in the street and luckily a neighbour was smoking on his doorstep and got to her quickly. He took her inside and calmed her down and since her 2 brothers were heading out to hunt down and kill the bastard who did it it was maybe a good job he was there. He offered to take her in a taxi to the hospital to see me but she got hysterical at this and would also not let anyone get the police. She did not want anyone else to know and she just wanted to forget it herself. One of my son's female friends came and helped her. She took her to bed and tucked her in and stayed with her till she slept. When I saw her she was subdued and very ashamed. Someone in my street phoned social services though and they came to the house and spoke to my son. They respected my daughters decision not to involve the police though they took the guys name who sexually assaulted her. When they were finished questioning my son they were happy enough with her care within the 4 walls of the house to leave her with her brothers. I truly thought they would just have taken her there and then but maybe for once common sense ruled and they left her in the security of her own home to heal. I have had a day pass out the hospital and she is with her dad tonight

First thing tomorrow I am certain my own social worker will be in again to see me and I might not be so lucky. So regardless on my own health it's time for me to go home. There is still no care put in place for me but my children's welfare matters more to me than anything else. I cant get back her innocence, I cant give her back her dignity and her self respect but I can be there to hold her when she cries, to comfort her when she is scared and remind her everyday she is worth more than the way he treated her. Maybe I know too much how she feels as I was raped when I was 8. I never told a soul so I understand her feelings to keep the police out. I guess history has a habit of repeating itself.

Tonight I am boiling with rage though at both my aunt and my mother and father in law. If they had only given a fuck about those kids my daughter might still have her innocence. I will never forgive them for the rest of my life. They failed a 10 year old girl and she has paid the price with her innocence and will keep paying it all her life and I know that cos I'm still paying mine

Oh btw I've had my house broken into and my car stolen. They broke into the house to get the car keys :( I know neither are important compared with my daughter but I just thought I would tell you