Home from hospital but not on a happy note :(

It's 5.30 in the morning and I haven't slept a wink. I really haven't slept in days. Every time I lie down my mind is just full of horrible thoughts. I should tell you now tho I am home from hosp. I got home Tuesday evening. I wasn't ready to get out but due to my circumstances at home they obviously let me go. There is still no care in place but for the moment I have a bed downstairs in the dining room. The dining room table has been dismantled and put behind the couch and my bed is where the table used to be. My hubby has given me one of the kids beds from his house to save me buying a bed I don't need. Being downstairs is half the reason I can't sleep. Am sleeping right under the window and I'm shit scared especially knowing someone broke in just a few days ago. The fridge and freezer are humming away, the clock ticks and I long just to go to my own bed. Even simple things like getting into my nighty in the dining room made me burst into tears. kids wandering in and out and no curtains that close in the kitchen or door to the dining room. I dont feel safe. Aw gid fun

My daughter had the first of her interviews with social services yesterday and she does the big interview with the police later today. She is terrified as you can imagine and the worst thing is I am not allowed to be with her while they question her. The social worker that's allocated to us is a nice enough bloke and the school nurse is so pleased we have him as he is one of the good guys but my daughter doesn't like him. She says he is creepy and has now started saying he's scary too. He explained yesterday what will happen today and told her the police officer will probably be a man but might be a woman. My daughter kept saying they would be scary and could she not get a lady police officer. I explained that even if it was a man they would be specially trained for this and they would be gentle and nice with her. They would have quiet voices and would not be scary. But she said to me she didn't want to be alone with them cos all men are scary now. I felt there and then that my heart had stopped beating and I couldn't breathe. It was like this whole thing hit me square in the chest. She is scared of all men!!! I've been thinking of this all night and I now need to be cruel to be kind. I am gonna have to expose her to ''safe'' men so she can learn to trust them again. Maybe since am just out of hospital then it would be an acceptable time to have visitors pop in and out. She needs to learn all men are not monsters and the sooner the better. The longer she stays like this the more damage could be done. Poor kid. She never deserved this

Since I have come home she has gone on and on at me to cut her hair. It was almost an obsession. She had long hair almost to her bum so I cut maybe 5'' off. When she looked in the mirror I could almost see her shoulders relax. I guess she needed to change herself to prove to herself she is not the same person she was. I guess it's similar to woman who cut their hair after they split up from their partners. They need to make a change to move on. She does suit it shorter and if it makes her happier then it's fine with me. It will grow again

Do you know something really sad tho? I don't know a single woman friend who has not suffered some kind of abuse as a kid, from sick uncles to a gang rape at 12! I was raped twice before I was 13, my sister was abused by the babysitter. What is it in men that they do that to children and woman I guess? Was it inevitable that somewhere and somehow someone would muck about with her? God knows

I also fell out with my mother and father in law when I was still in hospital. I guess I was just so stressed about all this I couldn't keep my mouth shut and pretend everything was all ok. I threw it in their faces about not doing anything to help us when social work were saying they would take the kids into care if I couldn't get any support from the family. She said ''you never asked.'' I said I shouldn't have had to ask. They are your grandkids. You should have been offering to help to stop them being taken away. She spat at me that it was all about my friends. God knows where that comes from but she can suit herself. They stormed out but I really don't care. I have got rid of another bit of stress I don't need. Kids sadly enough are happy they wont be round. That night at the hospital where they didn't offer to take them to stop them being taken into care has hurt and disgusted them beyond repair I think. It was a huge slap in the face to them and it was the final proof to them that their grandparents dont give a fuck about them. Sad :( On a good note tho my oldest son and his dad are on talking terms again. The day my husband found out about what happened to my daughter him and my son ended up punching each other. Two guys both consumed with guilt that they didn't manage to protect her from harm and they ended up fighting. It has cleared the air tho and we all seem to be working well together to try and move on. Lets hope it lasts