Back in my corner again

I'm in my corner. I've hit rock bottom again and I'm not sure exactly why. I think it's a mixture of a few things though. All my life I have felt out of place in the world and now all the important things in my life are out of sync with the people around me, It's like I have gone in fast forward at some point and am ahead of time so when things matter to me they are not tied up to the other people but in the future the things then change like I wanted or needed earlier but it's too late and it hurts me. Time is supposed to be a great healer but for me it's a torturer. I'm stuck in this half life while time and the world around me mocks me. I have tried to work out why I should be punished this way, why is every bit of comfort and happiness denied me and why are the people I love ripped from me and I have no idea. Maybe I was evil in my last life. My birthday is coming up and I have started thinking about my parents again. I think one way or another what my mum does will ruin my day. If she gets in touch I will be so upset and if she doesn't I'll truly know it's over. I have been thinking about all the children who are really nasty to their parents but their parents still love them. Junkie kids who steal off their parents but their parents still stand by them. I did nothing to deserve what my parents did. I have come to a kind of understanding though about what happened. For atleast the last 15 years I have known that either my dad wasn't my dad or I wasn't theirs and there was a switch at birth as my blood group indicates it. I don't look like anyone in my family and the only similarity I can find between me and my mum is our eyebrows. Not exactly conclusive lol. I look at my children and see all the features I passed on to them but I look back and see none of them. A few weeks before my dad made my mum choose between me and him he was in hospital getting major heart surgery. He was sure he was going to die and I myself could see no future with him. I thought we were going to lose him. Never in my wildest dreams did I think the reason I saw no future with him was that he would choose to take this path. But in the run up to my dad's surgery him and my mum did a lot of talking and I think my mum did what a lot of people do when they are facing death, she cleared her conscience or said something which made my dad realise I was not his. I wonder what he felt when all of a sudden he looked at me and realised I wasn't his or worst still he maybe saw my father looking back at him. I have worked out who my father is and he is actually Italian although any links to him left my life 33 years ago. It makes sense though when you look at me with my olive skin, my Mediterranean looks with dark hair and eyes, my passionate and sometimes fiery nature. I think that's why I don't belong here and why I don't fit in. Somewhere out there is my family and maybe my roots. I think a trip to Italy is definitely needed sometime in the future. Nothing holds me to Scotland anymore. There was a time where I would never have left Scotland but now that's all gone. I have found a place I want to settle but I need a few years before I can go there. I think I would rather be an outsider in another country than be an outsider in what's supposed to be my homeland. All this has done one thing for me though and that's made me try to look into the future and see myself in it. For such a long time I have not been able to see anything beyond the day I was in. I had no future and every day was on borrowed time. I still fight a daily battle to stay here though. For the last 2 days the urge to drive is almost uncontrollable and as I have said before it takes more strength to stay than it ever does to go. My kids are finding it hard that I have spent the last 2 days just crying. My bed is in the kitchen so it's not possible to hide my pain or my tears. I've not had my car keys taken off me yet though so maybe I have hidden some of my despair. Death offers such peace that I don't think I'll ever find in this fucked up life or on this fucked up planet. I just want to give in to it and stop this constant fight but I know I must hold on and hopefully I'll pull myself back up soon (just in time to be kicked back down again though lol.) The saddest part of all this is I'm talking to my blog cos I really don't have anyone else to talk to :(

Little things we take for granted

Many people take things for granted in their lives, not for any bad reasons but just for the simple fact that we know no different. Power at the flick of a switch, clean, fresh water from the tap etc etc. But I am learning the hard way of many other things people take for granted. There are 2 major issues with me and I will tell you the first one now. When I first became disabled I started to rely on my hands for my mobility. My hands let me walk with crutches or with a zimmer, they could even make a wheel chair go by myself. I had arm muscles to beat any man but I often thought about the future when old age could affect my hands and therefore affect my mobility. It scared me. What is old age though? 40,50,60,70? The one thing I knew though was old age wasn't 34. I had time or so I thought. It started suddenly about the start of December with my arms going numb during the night. Nothing unusual there as at times we all lie on our arms and wake up with a numb arm but what was unusual with me was both arms were numb. I couldn't be lying on both arms at the same time. It got to the stage where it was taking close to an hour in the morning to get any feeling back in them and sometimes the kids were having to hold a drink to my mouth in the morning to be able to swallow my medication. Then came the pain :( My knuckles and fingers started swelling and it became agony to grip anything so my crutches became impossible some days and excruciating on other days. I cant open bottles, cut veg or cheese, I cant even do my own bra strap up. The doctor diagnosed a trapped nerve in my neck but said to me that because of everything I had been through I wouldn't want anyone poking about there but when I got home and thought about it, I thought no, because of everything I have been through is exactly why I DO want someone poking about there. My back trouble started with ''a trapped nerve'' but was really a prolapsed disc which went on to rupture and crush my spinal cord. I became aware that discs could prolapse in the neck also when I applied for travel insurance and was asked was the prolapse in my lumber region or my neck. I know I have 3 more partially prolapsed discs in my lumber region but none causing any cord compression but all 3 a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. My neurosurgeon told me I am at a high risk of another prolapse anyways since I have had one already but it never crossed my mind it could be in my neck. My Doctor tends to put all my pain and my problems down to cauda equina and is filling me full of increasing amounts of painkillers and other drug till they are actually affecting my quality of life which leads to my second thing that people take for granted and it's not until you lose it that you realise you ever took it for granted. I will finish up about my Doctor though. What I really want her to do is send me to an orthopaedic doctor and actually get my back checked out. Because when things went wrong 2 years ago it was so serious I bypassed orthopaedic and went straight to neurology. The neurosurgeons fixed the problem but what caused the problem? When I had a private medical done for my legal case, the orthopaedic doctor told me my pain was down to the degenerative back condition I had which caused the disc to prolapse in the first place but he never told me what it was. I also know from the difficulty 3 doctors had in doing a lumber puncture that my back is in a bad state. The ligaments are grainy and they were unable to pass a needle through them. When an anaesthetist eventually managed it he went in so high in my back the puncture marks were almost where my bra strap would sit and not at the base of my spine where a lumbar puncture would normally be done. So from what the anaesthetist said and the orthopaedic doctor I saw said I know something is wrong with my back but what? I'm gonna push my GP for an orthopaedic consult cos I am not prepared just to swallow pill after pill and not know what the underlying problem is. Don't know if that makes sense but it does to me. So back to what I was saying and what the second thing that people take for granted is the ability to talk and write and actually express yourself. I find it almost impossible sometimes to write with a pen and paper. I cant spell my own name, I cant form letters and the drugs are causing a dyslexic type reaction in me. I have sent emails where every d is a g and every g is a d. Good job I have understanding friends lol. I also cant find words and when I am talking to people I get stuck with words and cant say what I want to say or say anything at all. It's horrible. I usually burst into tears which kinda makes it worse. I call everyone by the wrong names including the kids (I dont even get the gender right with names), numbers mean nothing. I look at numbers and know they should mean something but I cant remember what. I tried to write the date yesterday and for once I could actually remember the date cos it's was my nephews birthday but could I remember how to write it? Could I hell as like. The guy was hovering over me waiting for me to fill out the form and I was so embarrassed. One of the worst things though is the confusion. I spend most of my time feeling confused and lost, not sure what I'm doing or supposed to be doing. I'm in the middle of an insurance claim after the break in at my house and the forms are horrible. I struggle to know what they mean. I was all set to take one of the forms down to the police cos I thought the word said police but it was pointed out to me that it actually said policy. The insurance company want receipts, instruction books, pictures, boxes etc. I cant even picture some of these things in my head farless know where to find them. How can you find something if you don't know what it looks like? So I am betwixt the devil and the deep blue sea here. I need the medication to be able to walk, to function, to have a life but because of the medication I cant function properly and try and avoid people cos I know I cant talk properly so it's taking away my life. But what do I do?

Now you might think what is she talking about? She wrote this blog. It's taken me 2 days to write this. I have read it and re read it and read it again until I think it's right. You can always let me know if it's not lolm