Back in my corner again

I'm in my corner. I've hit rock bottom again and I'm not sure exactly why. I think it's a mixture of a few things though. All my life I have felt out of place in the world and now all the important things in my life are out of sync with the people around me, It's like I have gone in fast forward at some point and am ahead of time so when things matter to me they are not tied up to the other people but in the future the things then change like I wanted or needed earlier but it's too late and it hurts me. Time is supposed to be a great healer but for me it's a torturer. I'm stuck in this half life while time and the world around me mocks me. I have tried to work out why I should be punished this way, why is every bit of comfort and happiness denied me and why are the people I love ripped from me and I have no idea. Maybe I was evil in my last life. My birthday is coming up and I have started thinking about my parents again. I think one way or another what my mum does will ruin my day. If she gets in touch I will be so upset and if she doesn't I'll truly know it's over. I have been thinking about all the children who are really nasty to their parents but their parents still love them. Junkie kids who steal off their parents but their parents still stand by them. I did nothing to deserve what my parents did. I have come to a kind of understanding though about what happened. For atleast the last 15 years I have known that either my dad wasn't my dad or I wasn't theirs and there was a switch at birth as my blood group indicates it. I don't look like anyone in my family and the only similarity I can find between me and my mum is our eyebrows. Not exactly conclusive lol. I look at my children and see all the features I passed on to them but I look back and see none of them. A few weeks before my dad made my mum choose between me and him he was in hospital getting major heart surgery. He was sure he was going to die and I myself could see no future with him. I thought we were going to lose him. Never in my wildest dreams did I think the reason I saw no future with him was that he would choose to take this path. But in the run up to my dad's surgery him and my mum did a lot of talking and I think my mum did what a lot of people do when they are facing death, she cleared her conscience or said something which made my dad realise I was not his. I wonder what he felt when all of a sudden he looked at me and realised I wasn't his or worst still he maybe saw my father looking back at him. I have worked out who my father is and he is actually Italian although any links to him left my life 33 years ago. It makes sense though when you look at me with my olive skin, my Mediterranean looks with dark hair and eyes, my passionate and sometimes fiery nature. I think that's why I don't belong here and why I don't fit in. Somewhere out there is my family and maybe my roots. I think a trip to Italy is definitely needed sometime in the future. Nothing holds me to Scotland anymore. There was a time where I would never have left Scotland but now that's all gone. I have found a place I want to settle but I need a few years before I can go there. I think I would rather be an outsider in another country than be an outsider in what's supposed to be my homeland. All this has done one thing for me though and that's made me try to look into the future and see myself in it. For such a long time I have not been able to see anything beyond the day I was in. I had no future and every day was on borrowed time. I still fight a daily battle to stay here though. For the last 2 days the urge to drive is almost uncontrollable and as I have said before it takes more strength to stay than it ever does to go. My kids are finding it hard that I have spent the last 2 days just crying. My bed is in the kitchen so it's not possible to hide my pain or my tears. I've not had my car keys taken off me yet though so maybe I have hidden some of my despair. Death offers such peace that I don't think I'll ever find in this fucked up life or on this fucked up planet. I just want to give in to it and stop this constant fight but I know I must hold on and hopefully I'll pull myself back up soon (just in time to be kicked back down again though lol.) The saddest part of all this is I'm talking to my blog cos I really don't have anyone else to talk to :(