Aching Hearts, Troubled Souls

Where do I start? Tuesday last week we had a knock at the door at 8.30am. It was someone from the Procurator Fiscal delivering a letter saying the bastard who sexually assaulted my daughter has pled not guilty :( The court date is set for the 28th of June. She is being allowed to give evidence by video link but the cruel thing is they use a conference centre in another town from the court and since I need to be in court then I cant be with her. She lay in my arms silently sobbing until she fell asleep with the tears still running down her beautiful face. What comfort can I offer her? She is gonna have to go through the hardest thing in her young life and she is gonna have to do it on her own. All the way through this she has begged me not to tell anyone. She doesn't want anyone to know and here she is gonna have to stand infront of a court room of lawyers, judges, jurors, journalist and god knows who else and say what happened to her. I have never felt so useless in my life. And the horrible thing is she will go through all this and this sick bastard will get off with community service. Where is the bloody justice in life?

As a family this has hit us hard and we were all suffering badly. On Friday night my oldest son went out. He found out while he was out that a friend of his had died that night and it hit him hard. He had also come face to face with this bastard who destroyed his little sister's life and had wanted to kill him there and then but knew he couldn't. He tried to kill himself again infront of a car but luckily another friend was watching him and read his movements and pulled him back in the nick of time. When he came home he was so distressed. He scrubbed and scrubbed his arms till they were bright red but there was nothing on him. I had checked him over when he came in, no blood, no bruised knuckles. He wasn't making much sense. He told me he wasn't a good father!! I tried to tell him he wasn't their father, he was their big brother but it didn't help. He was blaming himself for what happened to his sister but I told him he wasn't to blame. How could he have known it would happen? I said if anyone was to blame it was his grandparents who as adults in their 60's made the conscious decision to leave two kids with a 17 year old who was only 6 weeks from a massive suicide attempt that left him on life support. They sat back and did nothing while he cooked, cleaned, washed and looked after them and brought them to visit me every night. He couldn't have done more. He kept saying dont fuck with a man who has nothing to lose. He sobbed and raged and I spent another night talking him out of killing himself :(

I feel so defeated. One more kick and I wont get up. I used to think I was at rock bottom and things could only get better but the bottom just keeps getting deeper and deeper. After I got him to sleep I lost it. I sobbed and sobbed. I feel like I have something huge inside my chest and it's gonna burst out. I cant even take a deep breath for it. I want to scream and scream for help but I know there is no one here to actually hear it. I have gone through tough times before but there was always someone to fall back on. A cuddle, some moral support, some love. There is nothing anymore. I'd give half the world to have someone take me in their arms and be able to let go of some of this hurt. To cry and then to sleep knowing I was safe. I could find some strength to keep fighting. But where do wishes and dreams get me?

I have 2 kids who feel they have nothing left to live for in this world. 2 beautiful children who were once so full of life. Kind and helpful kids with their whole lives in front of them and with so much to offer the world. I am their mother and no one loves them like I do. So maybe if I love them I need to let them go. Or maybe I should take them with me

The Sins of the Father

I have a lot of time on my hands and therefore I do a lot of thinking, most of it in the small hours of the morning lol. An interesting thought came to my mind a couple of nights ago. I have spent a long time wondering why everything has happened to me, what lesson was I to learn, was I being punished etc etc? I'm not a religious person but you can grow up in a christian country and not pick up sayings from the bible. And the one that sprung to mind was ''the sins of the father shall be visited upon the sons'' Before you dismiss this let me tell you a bit about my parents and you can reserve judgement till then

I'll start with my dad. My dad has always found glory in illness or operations. He once told me his bowel operation was worse than child birth though how he knows I have no idea lol. When I got rushed into hospital at 28 with a problem with my heart instead of asking how was I he ripped through me saying ''you cant have anything in this house without someone else wanting it'' He was referring to the fact he had been recently diagnosed with having a heart murmur. I then ripped through him saying basically I was 28 and I did NOT want this. Who in their right mind would want something wrong with their heart? Shows a sick mind to even think that. The next example I will give you is even sicker :( My mums friend died of throat cancer a few years back. It was even more tragic that she was a tee total, non smoker all her life. About 6 months after her death my dad started complaining of exactly the same symptoms as she had. He had the doctors carrying out tests. I was completely sickened one day when I overheard him telling a man he had met on holiday that he had throat cancer!!!! The tests all came back showing nothing was wrong and the doctors eventually put his symptoms down to a dry throat from medication. Was funny how all of a sudden he was ''better'' He did the same with me and my cauda equina. About 6 months after he again developed all my symptoms and was complaining continuously. He sat in front of me and said ''I know I have the same as you do.'' One xray later and it showed arthritis in his hips and the doctors sent him away saying what did he expect, he was 63 after all? You have never seen anyone so pissed off that he didn't even get an mri. Sick!! My dad has also accused me of faking both my epilepsy and the pain I was in before my back surgery. Who in their right mind would accuse someone of faking illness. Who would even think about that unless they were doing the same themselves? It's not a natural thing to think. If someone is ill you have concern, compassion, worry. You do not immediately accuse them of faking it. I could keep going but I think you get the idea

Now to my mum. My mum has been ''disabled'' all my life though never had a diagnosis of anything wrong. Eventually the doctors got so sick of her they took her into hospital and performed every test in the book and also made her see a psychiatrist to see if it was all in her head. My mum uses a wheelchair basically every time she leaves the house but goes on holiday for 2 months a year and doesn't take it. She walks miles every day with the dogs, she climbs hillsides quicker than I could when I was fit and healthy. Very strange. She used to be at the doctor all the time again complaining until one day she found a leaflet in the waiting room about a condition called fibromyalgia. She showed the leaflet to the doctor and said I think I have this and he said it sounds as good as anything and wrote it down in her notes!!!! :( Funny how she never goes to the doctor anymore. Her ''diagnosis'' allowed her to claim benefits and get a blue badge for her car so why would she see the doctor anymore? My mum also accused me of faking it in emails to my grampa last year when I was in hospital. Again who in their right mind would accuse someone of faking it especially when they have a crushed spinal cord?

So I have 2 parents who have pretended they are ill or disabled for some reason I can't fathom. I have ended up disabled at a fairly young age and I would give half the world to be normal again. So are the sins of the father visited upon the sons? I wonder!