Aching Hearts, Troubled Souls

Where do I start? Tuesday last week we had a knock at the door at 8.30am. It was someone from the Procurator Fiscal delivering a letter saying the bastard who sexually assaulted my daughter has pled not guilty :( The court date is set for the 28th of June. She is being allowed to give evidence by video link but the cruel thing is they use a conference centre in another town from the court and since I need to be in court then I cant be with her. She lay in my arms silently sobbing until she fell asleep with the tears still running down her beautiful face. What comfort can I offer her? She is gonna have to go through the hardest thing in her young life and she is gonna have to do it on her own. All the way through this she has begged me not to tell anyone. She doesn't want anyone to know and here she is gonna have to stand infront of a court room of lawyers, judges, jurors, journalist and god knows who else and say what happened to her. I have never felt so useless in my life. And the horrible thing is she will go through all this and this sick bastard will get off with community service. Where is the bloody justice in life?

As a family this has hit us hard and we were all suffering badly. On Friday night my oldest son went out. He found out while he was out that a friend of his had died that night and it hit him hard. He had also come face to face with this bastard who destroyed his little sister's life and had wanted to kill him there and then but knew he couldn't. He tried to kill himself again infront of a car but luckily another friend was watching him and read his movements and pulled him back in the nick of time. When he came home he was so distressed. He scrubbed and scrubbed his arms till they were bright red but there was nothing on him. I had checked him over when he came in, no blood, no bruised knuckles. He wasn't making much sense. He told me he wasn't a good father!! I tried to tell him he wasn't their father, he was their big brother but it didn't help. He was blaming himself for what happened to his sister but I told him he wasn't to blame. How could he have known it would happen? I said if anyone was to blame it was his grandparents who as adults in their 60's made the conscious decision to leave two kids with a 17 year old who was only 6 weeks from a massive suicide attempt that left him on life support. They sat back and did nothing while he cooked, cleaned, washed and looked after them and brought them to visit me every night. He couldn't have done more. He kept saying dont fuck with a man who has nothing to lose. He sobbed and raged and I spent another night talking him out of killing himself :(

I feel so defeated. One more kick and I wont get up. I used to think I was at rock bottom and things could only get better but the bottom just keeps getting deeper and deeper. After I got him to sleep I lost it. I sobbed and sobbed. I feel like I have something huge inside my chest and it's gonna burst out. I cant even take a deep breath for it. I want to scream and scream for help but I know there is no one here to actually hear it. I have gone through tough times before but there was always someone to fall back on. A cuddle, some moral support, some love. There is nothing anymore. I'd give half the world to have someone take me in their arms and be able to let go of some of this hurt. To cry and then to sleep knowing I was safe. I could find some strength to keep fighting. But where do wishes and dreams get me?

I have 2 kids who feel they have nothing left to live for in this world. 2 beautiful children who were once so full of life. Kind and helpful kids with their whole lives in front of them and with so much to offer the world. I am their mother and no one loves them like I do. So maybe if I love them I need to let them go. Or maybe I should take them with me