Kids and Lawyers

There is something not many people know about but I'm involved in a pretty big and long legal case. I've not done anything wrong before you think I'm some kinda criminal. It's the opposite really. Someone did something pretty wrong to me. Anyways I got an email from my lawyer recently regarding some important things and it had been playing on my mind. Previously I always talked to my dad about these things but he doesn't care anymore so there is no one to talk to about it. My kids all know about my legal case. On Thursday there my boys were having a right banter just before we were going shopping. They were laughing and joking. Pretty wound up I guess but in a good way. It was all fun and considering the recent shit we have gone through fun way beats tears, anger and frustration. I said to them I had got an email from my lawyer and she wanted to come to the house and see me but they were too busy having a laugh to pay much attention. So I left it. But in the car going to the shops I asked ''will you guys listen to me now about my lawyer?'' And my middle son said ''phone an answering machine. It will listen.'' I just froze really. He had meant it as a joke but it just hammered home to me how sad I am that am trying to talk to two teenagers about things like that as I don't have anyone else to talk to. It was a pretty horrible feeling :(

Tidying up the garden

It's been a nice day here and my son and I have been working in the front garden. Gardening was always my biggest hobby and my garden was my pride and joy but it's slipped since I've been disabled. But we got a lot of tidying up done and it looks so much better. I'm exhausted and in agony with my back now though and I'll pay for it with a few days stuck in bed :( but it's worth it. It's been a strange thing though that since my son got out of hospital I have had this urge to mend anything that's broken. I have been doing little repairs in the house and cleaning as much as I'm able to. It's almost like if I can fix all the things that are broken around me then maybe I can fix my life too. I'm not sure. But whatever the reason the results are good in that the house and now the garden are looking much better. Just need to tackle the back garden now. It's just a pity that most pleasure in my life now involves pain :( It's sometimes had to comprehend I will spend my whole life in what is sometimes unbearable pain. The pain killers take the edge off things but the side effects are so bad that sometimes I feel I'm living a half life due to them. I cant remember much about anything anymore. Days go by in a haze. I'm so sleepy too. Sometimes I find it difficult to even speak or type as words get mixed up or just disappear. I find myself trying to say tree and say tractor instead. Or try to talk about Dublin and say Belfast instead. The worst thing is finding I can get the first letter of a word out but the rest doesn't come and I'm left floundering with my mouth open looking bloody stupid. It's mad! But I try not to think about what I've lost and what the future holds for me as it makes me just want to give up and that's not good

Poem

The blood trickles down my skin
Like a winding river heading to the sea
Taking a route as uncertain as my life
Maybe the blood can set me free

There's so much pain inside my heart
The ache in my chest threatening to crush me
Will the blood take away some of the hurt?
As it flows out my flesh will it set me free?

Am I all alone to cope with this pain?
Is there anyone in my life able to help me?
A hand to steady, an arm to lean on
A guiding light in the darkness around me

Do I trust in god, or whoever guides us?
That if I reach the end he wont actually fail me?
Am I destined to stay or destined to go?
Or just float in the hell of my own private sea?

Help I cry, please someone help me!
But it's swallowed up in the silence around me
What have I done to be tested so badly?
Why does no one come, why wont someone help me?

But the blood is drying and the sun is rising
Another day dawns to hurt and to crush me
Please someone give me the strength to continue
While I dream of the day when I'm actually free

The worst day of my life

I'm back. I should be sitting here wanting to tell you all about my wonderful holiday but surprise surprise my shitty life didn't go to plan.

I got to India fine and spent a few good days wandering about and going on some tours but on the Tuesday night I got a call from a friend to say my son was in hospital and I needed to call the hospital as no one would tell her what was happening as she was not next of kin. So at 1.30 in the morning am standing in the hotel lobby making an international call to get the worst news a parent can get. My son was on life support and was dying. He was not expected to make it through the night :( He had taken 2 massive seizures and had considerable swelling on his brain. It emerged he had taken an overdose of my slow release Tramadol and also some Pregabalin. My son had tried to commit suicide. The fact the pills he took were slow release tablets was what was killing him. They couldn't pump his stomach and get rid of it. It was all in his blood and killing him. I was wracked with guilt it was my medicine he had taken

The next few hours passed in a series of phone calls. Calls to my sister and mother in law to get them to go to the hospital. Phone calls to the police to get them to trace my husband who was on holiday also and in an area with no mobile phone signal. Phone calls to a friend to get online and find out when I could get my flights home changed. As it turned out it took me 3 days to get home which I think have to be the worst 3 days of my life. On the Wednesday morning I was due to go on a tour to the Golden Temple in Amritsar and I decided still to go cos if nothing else I could pray for my son. I'm not a religious person at all but sitting helpless as I was 6000 miles away from home praying for him was all I could do. Maybe it was just my state of mind but I found a very spiritual experience there and found a little comfort in the mess that surrounded me.

Against all odds my son pulled through and I got home from India. He was released home but the person infront of me was not my son. His speech was slurred, he was staggering about, he couldn't hold a conversation and forgot what he had said 20 mins earlier. The worst thing was he was aggressive and threatening. What we didn't know was if there was brain damage or was it just the drugs still in his system. Luckily it was just the drugs still in his system and after a few days he was back to his normal kind and loving self. He is a very lucky young man as there seems to be no lasting damage. All we need to do is find a way forward

I must admit I am stressed out my head and buckling under the pressure. I broke on Saturday there and cried the whole day. What I can't understand is where are my family and friends? Apart from one couple no one is coming to see us, no one is helping out, no one is supporting the kids, no one is even sending txt msgs of support. It seems to be that people think it's over now my son is out of hospital but no one seems to realise that this is just the beginning. We have huge hurdles to over come. My other two kids are so messed up I am at a loss of what to do. Late last night I spent almost 2 hours writing letters to their teacher/guidance teacher explaining that I was sending two wrecks back to school today and it just hammered home how badly all this has effected them. My parents are still not talking to me and it's breaking my heart that in a situation as bad as my son trying to kill himself they are keeping up their petty argument and wont get in touch with me. These kinds of situations should put things back into perspective and bring families back together. But it's hasn't. My mother and father in law who have the time on their hands to say take the two wee ones to the park or something (things I'm not able to do since I got the cauda equina) are still not interested in seeing their grand kids and maybe just helping them by getting them out the house and doing some normal kid like things which they desperately need just now. Somewhere I believe that my parents and parents in law hold a share in the responsibility of what happened to my son as they have had the opportunity to help us and take some of the pressure off my son that ultimately led to his suicide attempt and they haven't done it. My mother and father in law crossed my door twice last year in a year that saw my marriage break up and my life and the kids lives turned upside down with my spinal injury. I was pretty much confined to bed the whole year yet they didn't care enough to even take their grand kids out for a day and support them in a terrible time in their lives. My parents, who had been very supportive till May this year when my dad made my mum choose between me and him which ripped the family apart and devastated me and my kids especially when my parents said they didn't care if I was dead or not. I believe this has been the last straw for my son as he then was the only person I could rely on and he held all the responsibility for me, his brother and sister and the house. No wonder the poor kid broke. What is disgusting me the most with my parents is this situation was so avoidable. They didn't need to throw this wobbly. There has been so much shit in my kids lives that no one could stop or do anything about but this didn't need to happen. They gave no consideration to those kids when they did this and the damage they did was devastating. Just shows how selfish people can be :(

So amidst the wreckage of our lives I need to find a way forward and find it completely on my own. It's heart breaking to know no one cares about us and I wonder where do I find the strength to support 3 seriously messed up kids and keep going myself? You might think I'm being petty but it's amazing how a little txt saying someone is thinking of you, sent when you think you are at your lowest and cant find a way back up again, can make all the difference

So the moral of the story is, as my title says, live life for today cos you dont know what tomorrow will bring. I almost lost my son. Also support the people around you. Open your eyes and see other peoples pain and difficulties cos you dont know when that one little txt/email will make all the difference. I should add here that out the blue someone came to me the other day at 1.30 in the morning after coming home from holiday to find my msg about my son. They jumped straight back in the car and drove through and gave me just what I needed which was some human comfort. When I thought I was at the bottom they lifted me back up and gave me the strength to continue, but for how long I dont know. Time will tell