Kids, Doors, Cauda Equina and Music lol

There are a few different things going on here at the moment and none very good I'm afraid. First is I found out on Monday there that my youngest son needs 2 operations. One on his chest and one on his toe which has been poisonous for almost 5 months and is now needing to be repaired by the orthopaedic surgeons. I'm wondering if the infection has spread to the bone and that's why it has become an orthopaedic job? No mother wants to see her child under go surgery. I would do anything to take the pain from him. It just feels like there is more and more stress facing us every day :( Second thing is I have spent the last 2 days replacing the 5 doors that my son has put holes in over the last few months. I can understand the stress that led to the doors being kicked and punched, I can accept the cost I have incurred to repair the toilet and the doors and I can even cope with the pain I have been in these last few days doing the work. What I haven't been able to understand is that he went out to help his pal paint his bedroom and left me to do it all on my own. He couldn't even stay in to help sort the mess he left in my house. He went to help a fit and healthy 16 year old paint his room and left his disabled mum to chisel, drill, screw, plane and hang 5 bloody heavy doors. I feel almost in shock with that. Feels like I have been slapped hard. He came in at midnight by which point I was in tears with the pain and I let him have it. He still isn't talking to me yet but it needed to be said. I wonder if he couldn't face the guilt of the mess he had caused. Who knows? Third thing is on Saturday it will be 2 years since my spinal injury that led to my cauda equina. I was told at the time that I could have up to a 2 year recovery on my legs and although there has been no improvement ever in my legs it is a horrible, horrible thought to know that that's it. Time is up. No chance of things getting better and no hope either. It's a difficult thing to get my head round. Gonna be on my own all day too. Kids will be at their dad's. I know last year I was a mess but I will need to wait till Saturday to see how I cope this year lol. Wish me luck! Last thing is one of those silly things you wonder. Ever found a song that matches your life so much it could've been written for you? And no matter how much it makes you cry you keep playing it again and again? The power of music, eh?

Chilling Words

My daughter is falling to bits again. She has such a fragile grip on her life and emotions that the slightest thing sends her to tears. I sat up with her last night to the small hours of the morning as she cried and cried. Then she said something that broke my heart. She told me her life was ruined and she wished she were dead. My poor wee girl. I asked her later if there was anything that could be done to make things better and she ran her finger over her wrist in a sawing motion. I hate the bastard who ruined her life to the state where she wants to kill herself. What scares me most is I know what she is going through and what has happened to her so far mirrors my own childhood too close for comfort. I was raped by a friend of my sisters in my own bedroom, in my own bed at 8 years old. I went through all the feelings she did and at 12 I tried to kill myself. Luckily for me the strongest medicine we had in our house was asprin but at all times I probably have enough pills to kill 10 big men. She knows what to take because her brother took them in a bid to take his life and almost succeeded. Am I going to find my little girl dead one day cos some sick bastard decided he wanted to force himself on a 10 year old girl. What do I do though? What do I say to make things better for her? I have never felt so useless in my life. At her age I should be able to fix all her problems with a kiss and a cuddle. Mum's are supposed to be able to kiss things better. In the 4 months since that happened I haven't made a single bit of progress with her and actually things are getting worse the deeper this gets into her head. I have actually found myself praying to a god of some sort that he doesn't take her away from me. She is such a beautiful, loving, helpful, wonderful child. She has a lot to offer the world. Please let her find the strength to get through this. I'm begging

Scotland is a bit of a superstitious country and I was brought up with a lot of superstition and it's hard when you have been brought up that way to let them go. It was always said when a person's picture fell off the wall they were going to die. I have seen this happen whether it was just a coincidence or not. The night after my daughter said she wanted to kill herself her photo fell off the wall and smashed. An accident? Bad timing? Or a shadow of something yet to come? I feel sick to the pit of my stomach :(

Good News, Bad News, Bruises, Broken Bones and Broken Toilets

I have eventually got hold of the police officer who was assigned my daughter's case after the child protection unit finished with it. He had been on secondment for the last 6 weeks which is why I never managed to get hold of him. I eventually got him on Tuesday morning though and he sprang to action. He interviewed my son's friend who was a witness on Wednesday and interviewed my son yesterday. I found out today that my daughter will not need to go through further questioning but I will be required to make a statement instead telling the police what she has told me. They do not want to put her through the further trauma of questioning which is a huge relief for her. The outcome though is this guy will be arrested at the weekend on a charge of lewd and lascivious conduct. The likely hood is he will be released on bail with a lot of conditions, like he cant go near the school or bother her anywhere. If he does he will be immediately re arrested and wont get bail. I was speaking with my daughter yesterday and for the first time I asked her about his face though and what she described chilled me to the bone. She described his eyes as half open, with his eye lids lowered and he was looking at her through these lowered lashes and blinking very slowly. What she described was an aroused, lustful, horny look although she doesn't know that but it broke my heart. I said to her give me a few seconds then look at my face and I put my best effort into showing her a horny face, which is kinda difficult when looking at a child, and when she looked up she said that's what he looked like mummy. I felt like someone had plunged me into icy water. How can any man look at a 10 year old girl and be aroused??? I just cant understand men.

I've hardly slept in days now just waiting for what kind of retaliation we are gonna be hit with for this. The guy himself is a drug dealer and so is his mum and brother. His brother worries me cos he is a real psycho and very violent. I keep imagining them pouring petrol through my letter box and setting the house on fire. I think I will be lucky if all they do is smash my windows. Where I sleep in the kitchen though is right in front of a full length, floor to ceiling window and I keep imagining glass shattering around me as I sleep. My kids are all away this weekend as it's my youngest son's birthday and am terrified at the thought of being on my own but at the same time I'm so glad they are away. I thought maybe I could go and stay in a hotel or something but then I would be leaving my house with no protection. So I guess I just have to ride it out but I dont think I will sleep. I've never felt so scared in my life though. I cant let the kids know though cos they are in a bad enough state without me worrying them even further. It makes me feel so issolated though and I wish there was just one person in my life who could share this burden with me and help me carry it. But where do wishes get me?

Everyone is very tightly strung just now but what happened last night was just one more hassle I didn't need. My oldest son was a bit stressed after the police interview. He is also struggling with huge feelings of guilt. Guilt that he wasn't there to protect her in the first place and guilt that he didn't believe her, just for the simple fact he did not think it was possible for a guy to do that to a little girl. He may be almost 18 but he has my innocent, trusting nature and he just couldn't see it. He thought that the guy was just lost on his way to the toilet and believed his sister to be attention seeking. When his friend eventually told us, what he later went on to tell the police, it hit my son hard. And guilty men usually always go on to get angry and hit things but I never thought it would be me. My son lost it last night and was so wound up he was ready to go and kill the guy who did this to his wee sister. I tried to restrain him by putting my arms round his waist and pulling him back with all my strength and I managed but I took his elbows to my ribs and his fist to my face. His friend also took 2 bad punches to his face. It got worse as I ended up trapped underneath him as he took the first seizure. He took about 10 seizures altogether and his friend and me tried to hold him down as he was thrashing about so badly but every time he came round he was so confused and he lashed out at us for holding him down. He smashed the toilet and a door and the bill for that alone was £200 and that's me doing the work myself. As for me, I have a bruised eye, both cheeks are swollen and bruised, I think I have fractured my collar bone, my ribs are sore and numerous other bruises and scrapes. I hurt so badly and that's through a hell of a lot of painkillers. What I don't know is if he even remembers a thing about it. He hasn't said a word. I haven't slept as my son eventually did escape last night by jumping out an upstairs bedroom window and was gone till the small hours of the morning. Where he went I do not know but he hadn't been fighting so that's atleast something good.

I am so much on edge just now it is awful. I'm not sure where the next explosion will come from. My son, my daughter or a whole gang of drug dealers and junkies set to do me or my house in or god forbid my kids? My oldest son took a lot of flak last October when it first happened from friends of this guys so it's gonna be a lot worse this time. Wish me luck please. I really need it

Just a wee update here. My daughter's attacker was charged this morning with lewd and lascivious conduct and released on an undertaking with conditions not to approach any member of our family. He appears in court on the 12th of March. Just need to keep our fingers crossed that the justice system does not let us down, Oh and I fitted a new toilet tonight. Did it single handed and no leaks. My body hurts beyond belief but I guess it kept me busy while the kids are away