Aching Hearts, Troubled Souls

Where do I start? Tuesday last week we had a knock at the door at 8.30am. It was someone from the Procurator Fiscal delivering a letter saying the bastard who sexually assaulted my daughter has pled not guilty :( The court date is set for the 28th of June. She is being allowed to give evidence by video link but the cruel thing is they use a conference centre in another town from the court and since I need to be in court then I cant be with her. She lay in my arms silently sobbing until she fell asleep with the tears still running down her beautiful face. What comfort can I offer her? She is gonna have to go through the hardest thing in her young life and she is gonna have to do it on her own. All the way through this she has begged me not to tell anyone. She doesn't want anyone to know and here she is gonna have to stand infront of a court room of lawyers, judges, jurors, journalist and god knows who else and say what happened to her. I have never felt so useless in my life. And the horrible thing is she will go through all this and this sick bastard will get off with community service. Where is the bloody justice in life?

As a family this has hit us hard and we were all suffering badly. On Friday night my oldest son went out. He found out while he was out that a friend of his had died that night and it hit him hard. He had also come face to face with this bastard who destroyed his little sister's life and had wanted to kill him there and then but knew he couldn't. He tried to kill himself again infront of a car but luckily another friend was watching him and read his movements and pulled him back in the nick of time. When he came home he was so distressed. He scrubbed and scrubbed his arms till they were bright red but there was nothing on him. I had checked him over when he came in, no blood, no bruised knuckles. He wasn't making much sense. He told me he wasn't a good father!! I tried to tell him he wasn't their father, he was their big brother but it didn't help. He was blaming himself for what happened to his sister but I told him he wasn't to blame. How could he have known it would happen? I said if anyone was to blame it was his grandparents who as adults in their 60's made the conscious decision to leave two kids with a 17 year old who was only 6 weeks from a massive suicide attempt that left him on life support. They sat back and did nothing while he cooked, cleaned, washed and looked after them and brought them to visit me every night. He couldn't have done more. He kept saying dont fuck with a man who has nothing to lose. He sobbed and raged and I spent another night talking him out of killing himself :(

I feel so defeated. One more kick and I wont get up. I used to think I was at rock bottom and things could only get better but the bottom just keeps getting deeper and deeper. After I got him to sleep I lost it. I sobbed and sobbed. I feel like I have something huge inside my chest and it's gonna burst out. I cant even take a deep breath for it. I want to scream and scream for help but I know there is no one here to actually hear it. I have gone through tough times before but there was always someone to fall back on. A cuddle, some moral support, some love. There is nothing anymore. I'd give half the world to have someone take me in their arms and be able to let go of some of this hurt. To cry and then to sleep knowing I was safe. I could find some strength to keep fighting. But where do wishes and dreams get me?

I have 2 kids who feel they have nothing left to live for in this world. 2 beautiful children who were once so full of life. Kind and helpful kids with their whole lives in front of them and with so much to offer the world. I am their mother and no one loves them like I do. So maybe if I love them I need to let them go. Or maybe I should take them with me

The Sins of the Father

I have a lot of time on my hands and therefore I do a lot of thinking, most of it in the small hours of the morning lol. An interesting thought came to my mind a couple of nights ago. I have spent a long time wondering why everything has happened to me, what lesson was I to learn, was I being punished etc etc? I'm not a religious person but you can grow up in a christian country and not pick up sayings from the bible. And the one that sprung to mind was ''the sins of the father shall be visited upon the sons'' Before you dismiss this let me tell you a bit about my parents and you can reserve judgement till then

I'll start with my dad. My dad has always found glory in illness or operations. He once told me his bowel operation was worse than child birth though how he knows I have no idea lol. When I got rushed into hospital at 28 with a problem with my heart instead of asking how was I he ripped through me saying ''you cant have anything in this house without someone else wanting it'' He was referring to the fact he had been recently diagnosed with having a heart murmur. I then ripped through him saying basically I was 28 and I did NOT want this. Who in their right mind would want something wrong with their heart? Shows a sick mind to even think that. The next example I will give you is even sicker :( My mums friend died of throat cancer a few years back. It was even more tragic that she was a tee total, non smoker all her life. About 6 months after her death my dad started complaining of exactly the same symptoms as she had. He had the doctors carrying out tests. I was completely sickened one day when I overheard him telling a man he had met on holiday that he had throat cancer!!!! The tests all came back showing nothing was wrong and the doctors eventually put his symptoms down to a dry throat from medication. Was funny how all of a sudden he was ''better'' He did the same with me and my cauda equina. About 6 months after he again developed all my symptoms and was complaining continuously. He sat in front of me and said ''I know I have the same as you do.'' One xray later and it showed arthritis in his hips and the doctors sent him away saying what did he expect, he was 63 after all? You have never seen anyone so pissed off that he didn't even get an mri. Sick!! My dad has also accused me of faking both my epilepsy and the pain I was in before my back surgery. Who in their right mind would accuse someone of faking illness. Who would even think about that unless they were doing the same themselves? It's not a natural thing to think. If someone is ill you have concern, compassion, worry. You do not immediately accuse them of faking it. I could keep going but I think you get the idea

Now to my mum. My mum has been ''disabled'' all my life though never had a diagnosis of anything wrong. Eventually the doctors got so sick of her they took her into hospital and performed every test in the book and also made her see a psychiatrist to see if it was all in her head. My mum uses a wheelchair basically every time she leaves the house but goes on holiday for 2 months a year and doesn't take it. She walks miles every day with the dogs, she climbs hillsides quicker than I could when I was fit and healthy. Very strange. She used to be at the doctor all the time again complaining until one day she found a leaflet in the waiting room about a condition called fibromyalgia. She showed the leaflet to the doctor and said I think I have this and he said it sounds as good as anything and wrote it down in her notes!!!! :( Funny how she never goes to the doctor anymore. Her ''diagnosis'' allowed her to claim benefits and get a blue badge for her car so why would she see the doctor anymore? My mum also accused me of faking it in emails to my grampa last year when I was in hospital. Again who in their right mind would accuse someone of faking it especially when they have a crushed spinal cord?

So I have 2 parents who have pretended they are ill or disabled for some reason I can't fathom. I have ended up disabled at a fairly young age and I would give half the world to be normal again. So are the sins of the father visited upon the sons? I wonder!

Kids, Doors, Cauda Equina and Music lol

There are a few different things going on here at the moment and none very good I'm afraid. First is I found out on Monday there that my youngest son needs 2 operations. One on his chest and one on his toe which has been poisonous for almost 5 months and is now needing to be repaired by the orthopaedic surgeons. I'm wondering if the infection has spread to the bone and that's why it has become an orthopaedic job? No mother wants to see her child under go surgery. I would do anything to take the pain from him. It just feels like there is more and more stress facing us every day :( Second thing is I have spent the last 2 days replacing the 5 doors that my son has put holes in over the last few months. I can understand the stress that led to the doors being kicked and punched, I can accept the cost I have incurred to repair the toilet and the doors and I can even cope with the pain I have been in these last few days doing the work. What I haven't been able to understand is that he went out to help his pal paint his bedroom and left me to do it all on my own. He couldn't even stay in to help sort the mess he left in my house. He went to help a fit and healthy 16 year old paint his room and left his disabled mum to chisel, drill, screw, plane and hang 5 bloody heavy doors. I feel almost in shock with that. Feels like I have been slapped hard. He came in at midnight by which point I was in tears with the pain and I let him have it. He still isn't talking to me yet but it needed to be said. I wonder if he couldn't face the guilt of the mess he had caused. Who knows? Third thing is on Saturday it will be 2 years since my spinal injury that led to my cauda equina. I was told at the time that I could have up to a 2 year recovery on my legs and although there has been no improvement ever in my legs it is a horrible, horrible thought to know that that's it. Time is up. No chance of things getting better and no hope either. It's a difficult thing to get my head round. Gonna be on my own all day too. Kids will be at their dad's. I know last year I was a mess but I will need to wait till Saturday to see how I cope this year lol. Wish me luck! Last thing is one of those silly things you wonder. Ever found a song that matches your life so much it could've been written for you? And no matter how much it makes you cry you keep playing it again and again? The power of music, eh?

Chilling Words

My daughter is falling to bits again. She has such a fragile grip on her life and emotions that the slightest thing sends her to tears. I sat up with her last night to the small hours of the morning as she cried and cried. Then she said something that broke my heart. She told me her life was ruined and she wished she were dead. My poor wee girl. I asked her later if there was anything that could be done to make things better and she ran her finger over her wrist in a sawing motion. I hate the bastard who ruined her life to the state where she wants to kill herself. What scares me most is I know what she is going through and what has happened to her so far mirrors my own childhood too close for comfort. I was raped by a friend of my sisters in my own bedroom, in my own bed at 8 years old. I went through all the feelings she did and at 12 I tried to kill myself. Luckily for me the strongest medicine we had in our house was asprin but at all times I probably have enough pills to kill 10 big men. She knows what to take because her brother took them in a bid to take his life and almost succeeded. Am I going to find my little girl dead one day cos some sick bastard decided he wanted to force himself on a 10 year old girl. What do I do though? What do I say to make things better for her? I have never felt so useless in my life. At her age I should be able to fix all her problems with a kiss and a cuddle. Mum's are supposed to be able to kiss things better. In the 4 months since that happened I haven't made a single bit of progress with her and actually things are getting worse the deeper this gets into her head. I have actually found myself praying to a god of some sort that he doesn't take her away from me. She is such a beautiful, loving, helpful, wonderful child. She has a lot to offer the world. Please let her find the strength to get through this. I'm begging

Scotland is a bit of a superstitious country and I was brought up with a lot of superstition and it's hard when you have been brought up that way to let them go. It was always said when a person's picture fell off the wall they were going to die. I have seen this happen whether it was just a coincidence or not. The night after my daughter said she wanted to kill herself her photo fell off the wall and smashed. An accident? Bad timing? Or a shadow of something yet to come? I feel sick to the pit of my stomach :(

Good News, Bad News, Bruises, Broken Bones and Broken Toilets

I have eventually got hold of the police officer who was assigned my daughter's case after the child protection unit finished with it. He had been on secondment for the last 6 weeks which is why I never managed to get hold of him. I eventually got him on Tuesday morning though and he sprang to action. He interviewed my son's friend who was a witness on Wednesday and interviewed my son yesterday. I found out today that my daughter will not need to go through further questioning but I will be required to make a statement instead telling the police what she has told me. They do not want to put her through the further trauma of questioning which is a huge relief for her. The outcome though is this guy will be arrested at the weekend on a charge of lewd and lascivious conduct. The likely hood is he will be released on bail with a lot of conditions, like he cant go near the school or bother her anywhere. If he does he will be immediately re arrested and wont get bail. I was speaking with my daughter yesterday and for the first time I asked her about his face though and what she described chilled me to the bone. She described his eyes as half open, with his eye lids lowered and he was looking at her through these lowered lashes and blinking very slowly. What she described was an aroused, lustful, horny look although she doesn't know that but it broke my heart. I said to her give me a few seconds then look at my face and I put my best effort into showing her a horny face, which is kinda difficult when looking at a child, and when she looked up she said that's what he looked like mummy. I felt like someone had plunged me into icy water. How can any man look at a 10 year old girl and be aroused??? I just cant understand men.

I've hardly slept in days now just waiting for what kind of retaliation we are gonna be hit with for this. The guy himself is a drug dealer and so is his mum and brother. His brother worries me cos he is a real psycho and very violent. I keep imagining them pouring petrol through my letter box and setting the house on fire. I think I will be lucky if all they do is smash my windows. Where I sleep in the kitchen though is right in front of a full length, floor to ceiling window and I keep imagining glass shattering around me as I sleep. My kids are all away this weekend as it's my youngest son's birthday and am terrified at the thought of being on my own but at the same time I'm so glad they are away. I thought maybe I could go and stay in a hotel or something but then I would be leaving my house with no protection. So I guess I just have to ride it out but I dont think I will sleep. I've never felt so scared in my life though. I cant let the kids know though cos they are in a bad enough state without me worrying them even further. It makes me feel so issolated though and I wish there was just one person in my life who could share this burden with me and help me carry it. But where do wishes get me?

Everyone is very tightly strung just now but what happened last night was just one more hassle I didn't need. My oldest son was a bit stressed after the police interview. He is also struggling with huge feelings of guilt. Guilt that he wasn't there to protect her in the first place and guilt that he didn't believe her, just for the simple fact he did not think it was possible for a guy to do that to a little girl. He may be almost 18 but he has my innocent, trusting nature and he just couldn't see it. He thought that the guy was just lost on his way to the toilet and believed his sister to be attention seeking. When his friend eventually told us, what he later went on to tell the police, it hit my son hard. And guilty men usually always go on to get angry and hit things but I never thought it would be me. My son lost it last night and was so wound up he was ready to go and kill the guy who did this to his wee sister. I tried to restrain him by putting my arms round his waist and pulling him back with all my strength and I managed but I took his elbows to my ribs and his fist to my face. His friend also took 2 bad punches to his face. It got worse as I ended up trapped underneath him as he took the first seizure. He took about 10 seizures altogether and his friend and me tried to hold him down as he was thrashing about so badly but every time he came round he was so confused and he lashed out at us for holding him down. He smashed the toilet and a door and the bill for that alone was £200 and that's me doing the work myself. As for me, I have a bruised eye, both cheeks are swollen and bruised, I think I have fractured my collar bone, my ribs are sore and numerous other bruises and scrapes. I hurt so badly and that's through a hell of a lot of painkillers. What I don't know is if he even remembers a thing about it. He hasn't said a word. I haven't slept as my son eventually did escape last night by jumping out an upstairs bedroom window and was gone till the small hours of the morning. Where he went I do not know but he hadn't been fighting so that's atleast something good.

I am so much on edge just now it is awful. I'm not sure where the next explosion will come from. My son, my daughter or a whole gang of drug dealers and junkies set to do me or my house in or god forbid my kids? My oldest son took a lot of flak last October when it first happened from friends of this guys so it's gonna be a lot worse this time. Wish me luck please. I really need it

Just a wee update here. My daughter's attacker was charged this morning with lewd and lascivious conduct and released on an undertaking with conditions not to approach any member of our family. He appears in court on the 12th of March. Just need to keep our fingers crossed that the justice system does not let us down, Oh and I fitted a new toilet tonight. Did it single handed and no leaks. My body hurts beyond belief but I guess it kept me busy while the kids are away

Back in my corner again

I'm in my corner. I've hit rock bottom again and I'm not sure exactly why. I think it's a mixture of a few things though. All my life I have felt out of place in the world and now all the important things in my life are out of sync with the people around me, It's like I have gone in fast forward at some point and am ahead of time so when things matter to me they are not tied up to the other people but in the future the things then change like I wanted or needed earlier but it's too late and it hurts me. Time is supposed to be a great healer but for me it's a torturer. I'm stuck in this half life while time and the world around me mocks me. I have tried to work out why I should be punished this way, why is every bit of comfort and happiness denied me and why are the people I love ripped from me and I have no idea. Maybe I was evil in my last life. My birthday is coming up and I have started thinking about my parents again. I think one way or another what my mum does will ruin my day. If she gets in touch I will be so upset and if she doesn't I'll truly know it's over. I have been thinking about all the children who are really nasty to their parents but their parents still love them. Junkie kids who steal off their parents but their parents still stand by them. I did nothing to deserve what my parents did. I have come to a kind of understanding though about what happened. For atleast the last 15 years I have known that either my dad wasn't my dad or I wasn't theirs and there was a switch at birth as my blood group indicates it. I don't look like anyone in my family and the only similarity I can find between me and my mum is our eyebrows. Not exactly conclusive lol. I look at my children and see all the features I passed on to them but I look back and see none of them. A few weeks before my dad made my mum choose between me and him he was in hospital getting major heart surgery. He was sure he was going to die and I myself could see no future with him. I thought we were going to lose him. Never in my wildest dreams did I think the reason I saw no future with him was that he would choose to take this path. But in the run up to my dad's surgery him and my mum did a lot of talking and I think my mum did what a lot of people do when they are facing death, she cleared her conscience or said something which made my dad realise I was not his. I wonder what he felt when all of a sudden he looked at me and realised I wasn't his or worst still he maybe saw my father looking back at him. I have worked out who my father is and he is actually Italian although any links to him left my life 33 years ago. It makes sense though when you look at me with my olive skin, my Mediterranean looks with dark hair and eyes, my passionate and sometimes fiery nature. I think that's why I don't belong here and why I don't fit in. Somewhere out there is my family and maybe my roots. I think a trip to Italy is definitely needed sometime in the future. Nothing holds me to Scotland anymore. There was a time where I would never have left Scotland but now that's all gone. I have found a place I want to settle but I need a few years before I can go there. I think I would rather be an outsider in another country than be an outsider in what's supposed to be my homeland. All this has done one thing for me though and that's made me try to look into the future and see myself in it. For such a long time I have not been able to see anything beyond the day I was in. I had no future and every day was on borrowed time. I still fight a daily battle to stay here though. For the last 2 days the urge to drive is almost uncontrollable and as I have said before it takes more strength to stay than it ever does to go. My kids are finding it hard that I have spent the last 2 days just crying. My bed is in the kitchen so it's not possible to hide my pain or my tears. I've not had my car keys taken off me yet though so maybe I have hidden some of my despair. Death offers such peace that I don't think I'll ever find in this fucked up life or on this fucked up planet. I just want to give in to it and stop this constant fight but I know I must hold on and hopefully I'll pull myself back up soon (just in time to be kicked back down again though lol.) The saddest part of all this is I'm talking to my blog cos I really don't have anyone else to talk to :(

Little things we take for granted

Many people take things for granted in their lives, not for any bad reasons but just for the simple fact that we know no different. Power at the flick of a switch, clean, fresh water from the tap etc etc. But I am learning the hard way of many other things people take for granted. There are 2 major issues with me and I will tell you the first one now. When I first became disabled I started to rely on my hands for my mobility. My hands let me walk with crutches or with a zimmer, they could even make a wheel chair go by myself. I had arm muscles to beat any man but I often thought about the future when old age could affect my hands and therefore affect my mobility. It scared me. What is old age though? 40,50,60,70? The one thing I knew though was old age wasn't 34. I had time or so I thought. It started suddenly about the start of December with my arms going numb during the night. Nothing unusual there as at times we all lie on our arms and wake up with a numb arm but what was unusual with me was both arms were numb. I couldn't be lying on both arms at the same time. It got to the stage where it was taking close to an hour in the morning to get any feeling back in them and sometimes the kids were having to hold a drink to my mouth in the morning to be able to swallow my medication. Then came the pain :( My knuckles and fingers started swelling and it became agony to grip anything so my crutches became impossible some days and excruciating on other days. I cant open bottles, cut veg or cheese, I cant even do my own bra strap up. The doctor diagnosed a trapped nerve in my neck but said to me that because of everything I had been through I wouldn't want anyone poking about there but when I got home and thought about it, I thought no, because of everything I have been through is exactly why I DO want someone poking about there. My back trouble started with ''a trapped nerve'' but was really a prolapsed disc which went on to rupture and crush my spinal cord. I became aware that discs could prolapse in the neck also when I applied for travel insurance and was asked was the prolapse in my lumber region or my neck. I know I have 3 more partially prolapsed discs in my lumber region but none causing any cord compression but all 3 a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. My neurosurgeon told me I am at a high risk of another prolapse anyways since I have had one already but it never crossed my mind it could be in my neck. My Doctor tends to put all my pain and my problems down to cauda equina and is filling me full of increasing amounts of painkillers and other drug till they are actually affecting my quality of life which leads to my second thing that people take for granted and it's not until you lose it that you realise you ever took it for granted. I will finish up about my Doctor though. What I really want her to do is send me to an orthopaedic doctor and actually get my back checked out. Because when things went wrong 2 years ago it was so serious I bypassed orthopaedic and went straight to neurology. The neurosurgeons fixed the problem but what caused the problem? When I had a private medical done for my legal case, the orthopaedic doctor told me my pain was down to the degenerative back condition I had which caused the disc to prolapse in the first place but he never told me what it was. I also know from the difficulty 3 doctors had in doing a lumber puncture that my back is in a bad state. The ligaments are grainy and they were unable to pass a needle through them. When an anaesthetist eventually managed it he went in so high in my back the puncture marks were almost where my bra strap would sit and not at the base of my spine where a lumbar puncture would normally be done. So from what the anaesthetist said and the orthopaedic doctor I saw said I know something is wrong with my back but what? I'm gonna push my GP for an orthopaedic consult cos I am not prepared just to swallow pill after pill and not know what the underlying problem is. Don't know if that makes sense but it does to me. So back to what I was saying and what the second thing that people take for granted is the ability to talk and write and actually express yourself. I find it almost impossible sometimes to write with a pen and paper. I cant spell my own name, I cant form letters and the drugs are causing a dyslexic type reaction in me. I have sent emails where every d is a g and every g is a d. Good job I have understanding friends lol. I also cant find words and when I am talking to people I get stuck with words and cant say what I want to say or say anything at all. It's horrible. I usually burst into tears which kinda makes it worse. I call everyone by the wrong names including the kids (I dont even get the gender right with names), numbers mean nothing. I look at numbers and know they should mean something but I cant remember what. I tried to write the date yesterday and for once I could actually remember the date cos it's was my nephews birthday but could I remember how to write it? Could I hell as like. The guy was hovering over me waiting for me to fill out the form and I was so embarrassed. One of the worst things though is the confusion. I spend most of my time feeling confused and lost, not sure what I'm doing or supposed to be doing. I'm in the middle of an insurance claim after the break in at my house and the forms are horrible. I struggle to know what they mean. I was all set to take one of the forms down to the police cos I thought the word said police but it was pointed out to me that it actually said policy. The insurance company want receipts, instruction books, pictures, boxes etc. I cant even picture some of these things in my head farless know where to find them. How can you find something if you don't know what it looks like? So I am betwixt the devil and the deep blue sea here. I need the medication to be able to walk, to function, to have a life but because of the medication I cant function properly and try and avoid people cos I know I cant talk properly so it's taking away my life. But what do I do?

Now you might think what is she talking about? She wrote this blog. It's taken me 2 days to write this. I have read it and re read it and read it again until I think it's right. You can always let me know if it's not lolm