Housten We Have a Problem :(

As part of my referral to social work the nurses here have been working their way through this stupid form asking questions that have no relevance to my needs but they have to be answered. In the course of answering them tho the shit has hit the fan. The question was ''do you ever have suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself?'' and my answer was ''yes, everyday.'' The truth is I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to live my life in constant pain. I was ripped suddenly out of my normal life and thrown into this and to be honest I don't want to do it. Everyday I fantasise about all the ways I could die by accident. Car crash etc. Ways that would get me out of this shitty life that wouldn't have me committing suicide. It's only my kids that hold me here but there are times I dip so low I lose that hold and want to take off in the car. So the doctor was called and I'm up for psychiatric assessment which will decide whether I go into the psychiatric hospital or not and I'm also on suicide watch. Like I don't have enough problems :(

I'm not mad or mentally ill. My suicidal thoughts are only due to the circumstances I have found myself in with the cauda equina. They are made worse by my isolation from people (it's never good to spend too much time alone) and lack of support. I'm very lonely and I just wish someone loved me. I think if I had a partner there to love and support me I could fight this but all alone at 2 in the morning is not a nice place to be. As to committing suicide well it's a case of not if but when. I hope I can hold on till the kids are up and away but I truly don't know. The thought of living in this pain and isolation for another 30,40,50 years is enough to drive anyone to suicide.

I also took a bad fall again this morning so I've been put back to bed, hooked up to a night bag for my catheter and told to stay put.Yes Sir!!! Kids cant walk down to see tonight cos it's raining and my son has a sore head cos he got hit on the head with a rugby ball so am not gonna see anyone. I've no nighties left now either. Just need to hope it dont end up bypassing again. Fingers crossed

Addition: Oh I should add I'm at risk here of having the kids taken off me. And if the psychiatrists dig deep enough to find out my secret then I'll lose them no doubt. I'm sitting tonight trying to get my head round all this and I cant. Wish desperately I could talk this over with someone. Aw gid fun

Can I not get a break plssssssssssssssss

Day 10

Woke up today in a lot of pain and with a whacking great urine and kidney infection. I seriously feel like I have been beaten up. Am burning up and feel like shit to be honest :( Am having trouble with the catheter cos of the infection tho and I keep finding myself sitting in a puddle. Had to give my son away 2 wet nighties and pairs of knickers and I was so upset. He wasn't bothered at all. Said it's ok mum, they are only wet clothes. I can wash them. I just keep thinking he shouldn't be doing that kinda thing. My partner should be dealing with that, or my mum but not my kids. But there is no one here in my life except my kids and I know am so lucky to have such well grounded kids that they can deal with wet knickers and not freak

Saw 2 of the kids this afternoon but they came late so didn't stay long and they forgot some books lol. But they brought shampoo and knickers so that was good. No one came at night to visit though

Why is it when you feel ill you always just want someone to look after you? I would give half the world tonight for someone to just wrap their arms round me and tell me they care. I've as much chance of that happening as winning the lottery :(:(:(:( Aw gid fun

Day 9 :(

Day 9 in hospital and am bored out my head. I have run out of books and am just sitting staring at the walls really. I've seen the kids today but no one else. I'm in a wee side room here on my own so although it's great for getting to sleep etc it's pretty isolated. I'm starting to have these weird panic attacks now too. I kept waking up last night in a cold sweat and was seemingly crying out too according to the nurses. I have a secret I guess (for want of a better word) that is too awful to tell anyone but I think I will go mad keeping it inside me. It hits me time and time again like a punch in my tummy and I don't know what the hell to do. Spending all this time in hospital in bed with no one but the kids around is not helping much either. I just love my life lol

My Everest

Yesterday the physio came and got me out my bed and took me to the gym. Due to the way I have been lying in bed propped up on pillows my body seems to be unable to stand up straight anymore. Seemingly my tendons and ligaments are all doing strange things and even putting my feet flat on the floor is damned uncomfortable. I stood up as best I could but in all honesty I was bent over like an old woman and clinging for dear life to the zimmer. But I was gonna push myself as far as I could regardless of pain. At first she got me just to stand in one place but put one foot forward them back then the other. Then she pointed to a spot on the floor where there was a black mark and said could I walk to it. My legs were like lead and shaking like mad and every step was painful but I did it. It was maybe 7 or 8 steps but it felt like I was climbing a mountain. My kids used to joke with me when I was first out of hospital after the spinal injury. Every time I managed to get up the stairs they would say ''you did it mum, you climbed Everest'' and cheer at the bottom of the stairs. All these little things I manage to do that most people take for granted feel like ''My Everest'' When I got back to my bed yesterday I burst into tears with the pain but I had done it. I had got out my bed and walked. I spent the rest of the day doped up on painkillers but I have made progress. I've walked again :):):):)

There is still no sign of getting out of hospital. Guess what? We are still waiting for social services but to be honest I need to be able to walk properly again first. Even if social services were in place today there is no way I could get up the stairs to my bed in my own home. I think I am in for a long slow haul here. Aw gid fun

My son came and saw me yesterday after school. The nurses were lovely and even gave him some dinner. I'm feeling really lonely and alone just now though. This is when I hate being single the most. I've no partner (or mum) to even make sure I have the basic things I need. I asked my son if he could ask his gran if she had some talc I could borrow. He asked me ''what is talc?'' My face is dry and irritated from the hospital sheets but I know there is no chance that my kids could find moisturiser in the house. It's hard when all I really have is 3 kids to see to me. I've now run out of books too. I've read 8 books in 6 days lol. Hope someone brings me something in to read. I'll climb the walls if I dont have anything. My mother in law, who is a twisted bitch at the best of times, has found a new way to get to me. She took some of my nighties away to wash but brought them back to me wet!! I didn't know this tho and when the nurse took them out the bag for me to go for a shower they stank of damp and were wet :(:(:(:( She knew I needed clothes so brought me in a pair of my daughters trousers and pants both which were still wet!!!! Ok I admit my daughter is into adult women's clothes but she is nowhere near my size. So on the outside it looks like she is being helpful but underneath she is being twisted. All day I sat in this stinking nighty and just wished I had someone here with me. I'm not meant to be alone. I'm one half of a couple. But in all honest who in their right minds would want me??? Am 34 and basically a useless cripple, a parasite. I've got a catheter in which is horrible but atleast I dont stink of pee lol. What young man would possibly want to burden his life with me??? I think I have to face up to the fact no one will ever want me again and that is the most horrible thought ever. I sometimes cant bear the thought of living the rest of my life in this amount of pain but I also cant bear the thought of living it alone either. What is the point? :(

In Hospital

Hello. I'm writing this blog from hospital. My GP came to see me on Friday and basically said I needed taken into hospital. She said the kids couldn't cope with looking after me and I needed basic nursing and physiotherapy to get me back on my feet. I have also had a permanent catheter fitted for the moment. The bad news is I could be in here for weeks cos I don't think they will let me out till social services have put the care in place at home. While I am in hospital the nurses will put daily pressure on social services to hurry up so they can free up a bed. So if I leave before social services have done their stuff then they will just forget about me again. I told my Dr today I will stay as long as I can but once I'm up on my feet again and if something happens to the kids then I will go home. Simple as that

As to the kids that is not a happy story. My ex hubby refused to take my oldest son :( Only 6 weeks after he was home alone and he tried to kill himself my ex says that. I had to tell my son that he wasn't going to his dad's and that wasn't nice. I had really hoped my ex would just look after my son for a few days. Put a meal infront of him instead of the other way round but it didn't happen. My son was hurt but is trying not to show it. Since then my daughter has also gone home to stay with her brother. They both have a bad cold/flu thing and I just feel awful sitting here when they are ill at home. But I still cant walk yet so I cant help them anyways. I would be there with cuddles though. The school nurse came to see me today and also popped in to see my oldest son and daughter to check on them. She has told me she has no concerns at all about my daughter staying with her brother and as far as the law is concerned there is nothing to worry about. I got my laptop brought into hosp today to do a tesco online shopping for them so atleast I know there is plenty of food for them and I took the chance to update my blog.

I'm not getting any visitors really with the kids being ill and away. I have a sister but she is away down south at her T.A. camp so she cant come in. No one else has really come. My middle son says he will come straight from school tomorrow so it will be lovely to see him. I miss my kids terribly and I really do wonder what my life has come to when the only person who visited me today was the school nurse.

As to my mobility things are not much better. I wasn't out my bed till Monday and then all they did was get me to stand up though I must admit that was pretty difficult. I couldn't even stand up straight. I was hunched over like an old woman. My muscles have wasted fast and am pretty damned weak. I stood up again today and I'm getting some more physio tomorrow. My pain has got a lot worse today and I'm doped to my eyes with pills. Not good :(

Anyways now I have my laptop in I can update this with any progress

Hope?

My friend, after reading my blog last night, was so angry he decided to take matters into his own hands. Armed with the information from my blog and a few details from me he took time off work and drove to my town this morning and walked into the Social Work Dept with all guns blazing. He did what my friends around me, my mother in law and my family failed to do for me and the kids. He cared enough to stand up for me. He spoke to the duty worker and explained the situation and they are saying someone will get in touch today. Turns out though they sent someone out to the house yesterday and got no answer. What idiot goes to a house when the reason they are going is because the person is obviously bed bound and knocks on the door? What was I expected to do? Run down the stairs and answer it? Surely a phone call first would have been more sensible but when does sense and the Social Work ever come into the same sentence? Unfortunately my son had been out for a job interview yesterday and he wasn't there to get the door and since I'm so doped up on painkillers I doze off all the time and I never heard it. So fingers crossed they will phone or come today. I have got the cold just now so in a way it's a blessing as I cant smell myself but god knows what the kids are smelling lol. I just long for a bath.

I feel so much gratitude to my friend for what he did for us today. I will be forever in his debt. One day I hope if he ever needs me I can be there for him. I don't really believe in fairy tales but this time I do cos my knight in shining armour rode to my rescue. Sometimes when you think no one gives a shit you might just get a surprise cos your knight in shining armour might be just around the corner ready to come to your rescue :)

Talking about my son and his interview has reminded me of another injustice in the system. When my son got kicked out of college for taking too much time off to look after me I lost my Children's Tax Credits for him. My son and I went to the Job centre and asked what benefits he could get and we were told he was entitled to nothing. His child benefit would continue for 10 more weeks and that was what I was supposed to keep him on. That's about £14 a week!!!! I had lost £54 a week when his benefits stopped. I got myself pretty stressed about this and my son actually stopped eating he felt so bad. Poor guy. Guess it maybe played a part in the stress that pushed him over the edge. We tried to get him registered as my carer but they would have taken the money off of my Severe Disability payment and given it to him so we would have been no better off. He is also not entitled to Income Support till he turns 18. Eventually we got a 10 week extension on the Children's tax Credits but that runs out at the end of the month and as a family we are going to find ourselves short of £294 a month and there seems to be nothing we can do about it. Until he either gets a job or turns 18 we get no money for him. Getting a job is a double edged sword cos I need him to look after me but we also need the money. At this interview yesterday they asked him about his college course and what grade he got and he was honest and admitted he never completed college cos of looking after me. That was it. Interview over. Who wants to employ someone who needs to take time off to look after their mother? I don't know what the answer is. It's just another worry

Update: Social Services did not come today. It's beyond belief :(

A New Low

I think I can truly say I have hit an all time low. My accident last week, though it seems quite trivial, has left me in pain unimaginable and I have been pretty much confined to bed since then. For the first 4 days I couldn't even get up to go to the toilet which was horrible. Even with incontinence pads and rubber sheeting underneath me I still found it very hard to ''let go'' sitting in my bed. It went against everything we learn when we learn to control our bladders. But needs must. My mother in law phoned my GP on Friday and told them the situation and my GP said she would phone Social Services and get me some emergency care put into place. I'm still waiting!! It's incomprehensible that in Scotland in this day and age that I can be sitting filthy in my own bed and cant get any personal care sorted. I thought this ''Care in the Community'' was supposed to mean people like me can get help to be independent in their own homes? Surely also the welfare of my children must come into play somewhere? I am not able to do anything for them. They are cooking and washing clothes I know but god knows what state the house will be in. The thing is as well is my son has hurt his back lifting me (I'm not a small girl lol) so he has been unable for days now to give me any help. It's like ''it never rains but it pours''. Last night a male friend was set to drive to my house at 10.45 (and it's an hours drive) to come and bath me (with his girlfriends backing) which blew me away. It was so good to know that somewhere someone gave a shit about me. I said no though, half through pride and half through the fact my kids were sleeping and I did not want them to wake up in the middle of the night and find a strange man bathing mummy. And I was sure Social Services would come today though but they haven't. Now Mother Nature has put her wooden spoon in which now ensures I will let no one near me to help. My son told me he doesn't care. Said he would wipe my arse if I needed it but the thought of him smelling me is just so damned horrible I keep crying. Maybe if he was a girl it would be easier. I dont know. So I'm stuck in my own filth till I can get in the bath myself. All I can think about today (again) is where is my mum in all this? I know she would have helped me get bathed. She would have been there with a basin of water and a face cloth and I would have let her help me if only my dad hadn't stopped her seeing me. I feel so sad. I just feel like everything is working against me :(

I still cant get my head round how my life changed. How did I go from being healthy and happy one day to being a bloody parasite the next. I can do nothing for myself at the moment. I need brought food and coffee, I need lifted to get out of bed to the toilet (though this is an improvement on earier so I wont knock it) and I need help to have a bath. I went from looking after my kids to them looking after me, the carer to the one needing care. Something isn't right here. They are all out tonight and I would just love a coffee and a pee. Pathetic amn't I lol?

What's ironic too is that I used to work as a Home Carer. I went into disabled and old people's houses and provided personal care, got them up in the mornings, put them to bed at nights, took them to the toilet, bathed them, cooked etc. I always worked in a pair on my round and met a few other carers. I always treated my clients with dignity, never called them pet or love or worst of all doll, never treated them like a child which a lot of other carers did. Maybe because my parents were both disabled I knew all about the ''does he take sugar?'' way that people treat disabled people. I used to hate when I was shopping with mum and pushing her in her chair and she would hand money to the shop assistant and they would give me the change. I'm finding it already as I am using my own wheelchair. I'm dreading being treated like a child if and when I do some help. I think that will just add insult to injury. I have always been a very proud and very independent woman and I am day by day losing both. I have sat in tears most of today, one half of me hoping beyond words for help and the other half of me gutted that I need it. Aw gid fun

I've said it before folks and I will no doubt say it again but please, please make the most of your life. Dont find yourself sitting like me one day and wondering why the hell it all had to go wrong

Just call me Lucky lol

Summer hasn't really come to Scotland this year or if it did I blinked and missed it so when I woke up this morning I thought it looked a nice day so I would get out in the garden for a bit. I rested in my bed for a few hours and let my painkillers kick in. Gardening is always a compromise for me. I know if I do it I will need to spend the next 2 days in bed recovering. But the back garden was a tip (not helped by the teenage boys who have spent the summer lounging about in it) and it gets me down cos I always had such a lovely garden and to see it full of weeds and rubbish makes my heart break. So I went outside but first went to hang some washing up and the whirligig fell on me and I pulled a muscle in my back. I tried to pull some weeds out but the pain in my back was unbearable and it was hurting me even to breathe. I sat on the step and looked at the mess in the garden and my knew my useless f**ken body couldn't tidy it up and I just cried, first with the pain and second with the sacrifices I have had to make since the cauda equina hit me. The simple pleasures of gardening, knitting or even just getting out and about have been denied me and I can tell you it sucks big time. I have been feeling really down recently but I had perked up enough today to get my car keys back off my son (when I get down I have the urge to drive and drive and he worries I maybe wont come back. He knows I would never abandon them but I do fight suicidal thoughts a lot and when I want to drive he knows am in a bad way) Sitting here just now I feel I have slumped right back down again. It seems to be one step forward two steps back in my life just now and I hate it :( When is my life going to get better? Answers on a post card lol

My F**ked Up Life

I said to a friend the other day that I use my blog as a bit of a diary and they laughed at me and said ''I thought that was what a blog was''. So am gonna get something off my chest here cos as usual with my sad, fucked up life am left to deal with all the shit on my own

For the first time since my oldest son's suicide attempt things were actually looking up this week. We had had 4 settled days then my mum decided to upset everyone again. She is trying everything she can to see my kids behind my back, involving other people, but hasn't stopped to consider the fact that my kids might want fuck all to do with her after her shocking treatment of me. They boys have point blank said they dont ever want to see her again because of the way she hurt me. Boys tend to be protective towards their mums tho. I actually had to pull my son out of school today cos I found out she was actually going to approach him at school!! My son who as you might know if you have been following my blog is autistic. He is incredibly sensitive but very hard to get close to. He takes everything in but finds it very hard to let anything out. He was so close to my mum and took this situation the worst. It took me 2 weeks to get him in any state to go back to school and I had to cope with his tears, tantrums and worst of all his violent outbursts. 4 of my doors and 3 walls have been left with holes in them due to his frustrations. He was barely on his feet when the trouble with my oldest son happened and he plummeted right back down. Last Saturday I ended up flat on my back with him on top of me when his frustration got too much for him. I dont think he actually pushed me over but he did kinda push at me and since I'm so unsteady on my feet I fell over. In the aftermath of that I really did think things couldn't get any worse but surprisingly we did have a good week. Tonight tho he is crippled with a migraine (he has pretty much had 3 months of migraines with the stress of it all) and my daughter is going about screaming at everyone who so much as looks at her the wrong way. Am lost at what I can do to help them. I am gonna have to find the strength to pick up the pieces AGAIN but I'm barely managing to hold things together myself. Why cant my mum understand that and leave us alone? She wrecked our lives a few months ago and has done it again about once a month since then. Everytime I lift my head she kicks me back down. Not only have I lost the support of my parents but they are doing everything possible to wreck whatever stability I work hard to get with the kids. Since I came home when my son was in hospital I have not even had 5 mins to myself to try and put things right for myself. Basically my oldest son has been a continuous shadow as, I'm sure you can understand, he was not able to be left on his own. I have spent all my time supporting the kids that I haven't even started to sort out my own feelings. I almost lost my son and that's a hard thing to get your head round. My husband was supposed to be taking the kids on Saturday and keeping them all night. It might not sound much but I was clinging onto that little bit of time on my own but he has cancelled. It doesn't matter how desperate I am for a break or what my plans were. Why am I being left to do this all on my own?

Today I just want to get in my car and drive and drive and never come home. There's nothing left here for me anymore.

Runrig at Scone Palace

I was lucky enough this week to see Runrig live at Scone Palace :) I have been a life long Runrig Fan getting my first album at aged 5. I have met the band and been to countless concerts over the years. The concert was brilliant and it was good to see some of the older stuff in there. Things like Every River and the surprise of the night was Nightfall on Marsco. I never thought Runrig would be the same after Donnie left but they have come back even stronger and though I miss Donnie, Bruce has done some amazing stuff with them.

I had thought my concert going days were over but I had made a promise to my youngest son that one day I would take him to a Runrig concert so one wheelchair later and I did and he was so happy. He had a brilliant time. One of the few highlights of this year.

The funniest part of the day was an anouncement over the loud speakers saying could the owner of the car, registration number blah blah blah, could you please go back to your car you have left the engine running!!!!! Now how the hell do you manage that????