My Everest

Yesterday the physio came and got me out my bed and took me to the gym. Due to the way I have been lying in bed propped up on pillows my body seems to be unable to stand up straight anymore. Seemingly my tendons and ligaments are all doing strange things and even putting my feet flat on the floor is damned uncomfortable. I stood up as best I could but in all honesty I was bent over like an old woman and clinging for dear life to the zimmer. But I was gonna push myself as far as I could regardless of pain. At first she got me just to stand in one place but put one foot forward them back then the other. Then she pointed to a spot on the floor where there was a black mark and said could I walk to it. My legs were like lead and shaking like mad and every step was painful but I did it. It was maybe 7 or 8 steps but it felt like I was climbing a mountain. My kids used to joke with me when I was first out of hospital after the spinal injury. Every time I managed to get up the stairs they would say ''you did it mum, you climbed Everest'' and cheer at the bottom of the stairs. All these little things I manage to do that most people take for granted feel like ''My Everest'' When I got back to my bed yesterday I burst into tears with the pain but I had done it. I had got out my bed and walked. I spent the rest of the day doped up on painkillers but I have made progress. I've walked again :):):):)

There is still no sign of getting out of hospital. Guess what? We are still waiting for social services but to be honest I need to be able to walk properly again first. Even if social services were in place today there is no way I could get up the stairs to my bed in my own home. I think I am in for a long slow haul here. Aw gid fun

My son came and saw me yesterday after school. The nurses were lovely and even gave him some dinner. I'm feeling really lonely and alone just now though. This is when I hate being single the most. I've no partner (or mum) to even make sure I have the basic things I need. I asked my son if he could ask his gran if she had some talc I could borrow. He asked me ''what is talc?'' My face is dry and irritated from the hospital sheets but I know there is no chance that my kids could find moisturiser in the house. It's hard when all I really have is 3 kids to see to me. I've now run out of books too. I've read 8 books in 6 days lol. Hope someone brings me something in to read. I'll climb the walls if I dont have anything. My mother in law, who is a twisted bitch at the best of times, has found a new way to get to me. She took some of my nighties away to wash but brought them back to me wet!! I didn't know this tho and when the nurse took them out the bag for me to go for a shower they stank of damp and were wet :(:(:(:( She knew I needed clothes so brought me in a pair of my daughters trousers and pants both which were still wet!!!! Ok I admit my daughter is into adult women's clothes but she is nowhere near my size. So on the outside it looks like she is being helpful but underneath she is being twisted. All day I sat in this stinking nighty and just wished I had someone here with me. I'm not meant to be alone. I'm one half of a couple. But in all honest who in their right minds would want me??? Am 34 and basically a useless cripple, a parasite. I've got a catheter in which is horrible but atleast I dont stink of pee lol. What young man would possibly want to burden his life with me??? I think I have to face up to the fact no one will ever want me again and that is the most horrible thought ever. I sometimes cant bear the thought of living the rest of my life in this amount of pain but I also cant bear the thought of living it alone either. What is the point? :(