Just call me Lucky lol

Summer hasn't really come to Scotland this year or if it did I blinked and missed it so when I woke up this morning I thought it looked a nice day so I would get out in the garden for a bit. I rested in my bed for a few hours and let my painkillers kick in. Gardening is always a compromise for me. I know if I do it I will need to spend the next 2 days in bed recovering. But the back garden was a tip (not helped by the teenage boys who have spent the summer lounging about in it) and it gets me down cos I always had such a lovely garden and to see it full of weeds and rubbish makes my heart break. So I went outside but first went to hang some washing up and the whirligig fell on me and I pulled a muscle in my back. I tried to pull some weeds out but the pain in my back was unbearable and it was hurting me even to breathe. I sat on the step and looked at the mess in the garden and my knew my useless f**ken body couldn't tidy it up and I just cried, first with the pain and second with the sacrifices I have had to make since the cauda equina hit me. The simple pleasures of gardening, knitting or even just getting out and about have been denied me and I can tell you it sucks big time. I have been feeling really down recently but I had perked up enough today to get my car keys back off my son (when I get down I have the urge to drive and drive and he worries I maybe wont come back. He knows I would never abandon them but I do fight suicidal thoughts a lot and when I want to drive he knows am in a bad way) Sitting here just now I feel I have slumped right back down again. It seems to be one step forward two steps back in my life just now and I hate it :( When is my life going to get better? Answers on a post card lol