My F**ked Up Life

I said to a friend the other day that I use my blog as a bit of a diary and they laughed at me and said ''I thought that was what a blog was''. So am gonna get something off my chest here cos as usual with my sad, fucked up life am left to deal with all the shit on my own

For the first time since my oldest son's suicide attempt things were actually looking up this week. We had had 4 settled days then my mum decided to upset everyone again. She is trying everything she can to see my kids behind my back, involving other people, but hasn't stopped to consider the fact that my kids might want fuck all to do with her after her shocking treatment of me. They boys have point blank said they dont ever want to see her again because of the way she hurt me. Boys tend to be protective towards their mums tho. I actually had to pull my son out of school today cos I found out she was actually going to approach him at school!! My son who as you might know if you have been following my blog is autistic. He is incredibly sensitive but very hard to get close to. He takes everything in but finds it very hard to let anything out. He was so close to my mum and took this situation the worst. It took me 2 weeks to get him in any state to go back to school and I had to cope with his tears, tantrums and worst of all his violent outbursts. 4 of my doors and 3 walls have been left with holes in them due to his frustrations. He was barely on his feet when the trouble with my oldest son happened and he plummeted right back down. Last Saturday I ended up flat on my back with him on top of me when his frustration got too much for him. I dont think he actually pushed me over but he did kinda push at me and since I'm so unsteady on my feet I fell over. In the aftermath of that I really did think things couldn't get any worse but surprisingly we did have a good week. Tonight tho he is crippled with a migraine (he has pretty much had 3 months of migraines with the stress of it all) and my daughter is going about screaming at everyone who so much as looks at her the wrong way. Am lost at what I can do to help them. I am gonna have to find the strength to pick up the pieces AGAIN but I'm barely managing to hold things together myself. Why cant my mum understand that and leave us alone? She wrecked our lives a few months ago and has done it again about once a month since then. Everytime I lift my head she kicks me back down. Not only have I lost the support of my parents but they are doing everything possible to wreck whatever stability I work hard to get with the kids. Since I came home when my son was in hospital I have not even had 5 mins to myself to try and put things right for myself. Basically my oldest son has been a continuous shadow as, I'm sure you can understand, he was not able to be left on his own. I have spent all my time supporting the kids that I haven't even started to sort out my own feelings. I almost lost my son and that's a hard thing to get your head round. My husband was supposed to be taking the kids on Saturday and keeping them all night. It might not sound much but I was clinging onto that little bit of time on my own but he has cancelled. It doesn't matter how desperate I am for a break or what my plans were. Why am I being left to do this all on my own?

Today I just want to get in my car and drive and drive and never come home. There's nothing left here for me anymore.