Housten We Have a Problem :(

As part of my referral to social work the nurses here have been working their way through this stupid form asking questions that have no relevance to my needs but they have to be answered. In the course of answering them tho the shit has hit the fan. The question was ''do you ever have suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself?'' and my answer was ''yes, everyday.'' The truth is I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to live my life in constant pain. I was ripped suddenly out of my normal life and thrown into this and to be honest I don't want to do it. Everyday I fantasise about all the ways I could die by accident. Car crash etc. Ways that would get me out of this shitty life that wouldn't have me committing suicide. It's only my kids that hold me here but there are times I dip so low I lose that hold and want to take off in the car. So the doctor was called and I'm up for psychiatric assessment which will decide whether I go into the psychiatric hospital or not and I'm also on suicide watch. Like I don't have enough problems :(

I'm not mad or mentally ill. My suicidal thoughts are only due to the circumstances I have found myself in with the cauda equina. They are made worse by my isolation from people (it's never good to spend too much time alone) and lack of support. I'm very lonely and I just wish someone loved me. I think if I had a partner there to love and support me I could fight this but all alone at 2 in the morning is not a nice place to be. As to committing suicide well it's a case of not if but when. I hope I can hold on till the kids are up and away but I truly don't know. The thought of living in this pain and isolation for another 30,40,50 years is enough to drive anyone to suicide.

I also took a bad fall again this morning so I've been put back to bed, hooked up to a night bag for my catheter and told to stay put.Yes Sir!!! Kids cant walk down to see tonight cos it's raining and my son has a sore head cos he got hit on the head with a rugby ball so am not gonna see anyone. I've no nighties left now either. Just need to hope it dont end up bypassing again. Fingers crossed

Addition: Oh I should add I'm at risk here of having the kids taken off me. And if the psychiatrists dig deep enough to find out my secret then I'll lose them no doubt. I'm sitting tonight trying to get my head round all this and I cant. Wish desperately I could talk this over with someone. Aw gid fun