A New Low

I think I can truly say I have hit an all time low. My accident last week, though it seems quite trivial, has left me in pain unimaginable and I have been pretty much confined to bed since then. For the first 4 days I couldn't even get up to go to the toilet which was horrible. Even with incontinence pads and rubber sheeting underneath me I still found it very hard to ''let go'' sitting in my bed. It went against everything we learn when we learn to control our bladders. But needs must. My mother in law phoned my GP on Friday and told them the situation and my GP said she would phone Social Services and get me some emergency care put into place. I'm still waiting!! It's incomprehensible that in Scotland in this day and age that I can be sitting filthy in my own bed and cant get any personal care sorted. I thought this ''Care in the Community'' was supposed to mean people like me can get help to be independent in their own homes? Surely also the welfare of my children must come into play somewhere? I am not able to do anything for them. They are cooking and washing clothes I know but god knows what state the house will be in. The thing is as well is my son has hurt his back lifting me (I'm not a small girl lol) so he has been unable for days now to give me any help. It's like ''it never rains but it pours''. Last night a male friend was set to drive to my house at 10.45 (and it's an hours drive) to come and bath me (with his girlfriends backing) which blew me away. It was so good to know that somewhere someone gave a shit about me. I said no though, half through pride and half through the fact my kids were sleeping and I did not want them to wake up in the middle of the night and find a strange man bathing mummy. And I was sure Social Services would come today though but they haven't. Now Mother Nature has put her wooden spoon in which now ensures I will let no one near me to help. My son told me he doesn't care. Said he would wipe my arse if I needed it but the thought of him smelling me is just so damned horrible I keep crying. Maybe if he was a girl it would be easier. I dont know. So I'm stuck in my own filth till I can get in the bath myself. All I can think about today (again) is where is my mum in all this? I know she would have helped me get bathed. She would have been there with a basin of water and a face cloth and I would have let her help me if only my dad hadn't stopped her seeing me. I feel so sad. I just feel like everything is working against me :(

I still cant get my head round how my life changed. How did I go from being healthy and happy one day to being a bloody parasite the next. I can do nothing for myself at the moment. I need brought food and coffee, I need lifted to get out of bed to the toilet (though this is an improvement on earier so I wont knock it) and I need help to have a bath. I went from looking after my kids to them looking after me, the carer to the one needing care. Something isn't right here. They are all out tonight and I would just love a coffee and a pee. Pathetic amn't I lol?

What's ironic too is that I used to work as a Home Carer. I went into disabled and old people's houses and provided personal care, got them up in the mornings, put them to bed at nights, took them to the toilet, bathed them, cooked etc. I always worked in a pair on my round and met a few other carers. I always treated my clients with dignity, never called them pet or love or worst of all doll, never treated them like a child which a lot of other carers did. Maybe because my parents were both disabled I knew all about the ''does he take sugar?'' way that people treat disabled people. I used to hate when I was shopping with mum and pushing her in her chair and she would hand money to the shop assistant and they would give me the change. I'm finding it already as I am using my own wheelchair. I'm dreading being treated like a child if and when I do some help. I think that will just add insult to injury. I have always been a very proud and very independent woman and I am day by day losing both. I have sat in tears most of today, one half of me hoping beyond words for help and the other half of me gutted that I need it. Aw gid fun

I've said it before folks and I will no doubt say it again but please, please make the most of your life. Dont find yourself sitting like me one day and wondering why the hell it all had to go wrong