Em.... What's been happening since the last post?

It's been a while since I last wrote anything here and it's fair to say I have gone through one of the worst and emotionally draining times as a parent and also in my adult life. The sexual assault my daughter suffered in October has changed all our lives in a such a huge way it's hard to see any resemblance to the family we were before. I guess I should bring you up to date on what happened. Social services back out of our lives almost immediately as the matter became a criminal one and not a social one so that was a relief but from what I was told by the social worker there was no case against the young man who did this as it was his word against my daughters. The police never did get in contact with us though :( My daughter is terrified to leave the house alone as this young man lives only a few doors away and not a day goes by where she doesn't see him. She doesn't go out to play anymore and has had to be brought home on occasions by the head teacher in an awful state. She suffers panic attack when she needs to leave the house or when it's time to come home from school. The worst thing has been her ''black'' times though. I'm not sure what to call them, a strop maybe, a bad time? I'm not sure but what I do know is that when they start it takes 2 to 3 hours for them to pass and it's awful. She cries and screams and rages and mostly it's directed at me. Nothing I can say or do brings her out of it any quicker and at times I have felt I don't have the strength to carry on but somehow I always do. The worst part of it all is when it's finished and she becomes my daughter again and she is exhausted from all the emotion and she is so sorry. She doesn't even remember how it started but she knows she is sorry for it all and it breaks my heart. From almost the instant this happened she wanted her hair cut. Her hair was almost to her waist and so beautiful. I think she needed to change herself though and prove she was no longer that girl anymore. He beautiful hair is now cut to her shoulders but if it helps then maybe it's worth it. I was always sure that there was more to what happened to my daughter than she told us and unfortunately my fears were true. A few nights before Christmas I was talking with her and my sons friend and his girlfriend in a very casual situation. In all the hours I have spent with her I got no where in this but out the blue she talked and things are much worse than we thought. But one good thing came out and it's that there is there is a part witness and someone who can blow this guys defence out the window. He claimed that he was trying to go to the toilet when this happened and that was why he ended up in my daughters room. The scheme of houses I live in have some houses like mine and some a mirror image of mine and he said he was confused as his house was the opposite way from mine. But from what my daughter said, and the witness, this guy came OUT of the toilet and went into her room. I should explain what happened. My daughter had been downstairs talking to a friend on MSN. My sons friend wanted to put music on but she said no so he started teasing her and she went upstairs in a huff. As my oldest son was outside trying to stop these idiots who had travelled across town to ''gatecrash'' the house as they had heard he I was in hospital and there were no parents at home from wrecking the garden. He had left a friend in charge though and when my daughter went upstairs his friend went to check on her. While his friend was checking on her, her attacker came out the toilet and into her room. He insisted to my son's friend he would ''take care'' of things and that he should go and he would see she was all right and ''take care'' of things he did :( My son's friend has backed up 100% what my daughter said and has agreed to tell the police so I'm going back to the police next week. This shows he had intent and also blows his story apart as he came from the toilet. It all means my daughter is going to have to go back through the police questioning again but maybe now he will be punished for what he did instead of walking round the streets happy as Larry while my daughter hides at home

One big change we made in the house was move my daughter out her bedroom. For the first few weeks life was awful and it was a fight every night to get her to bed. She was plagued by nightmares and she cried out and screamed in her sleep and all night I could hear her bangles jangling together as she thrashed about the bed. She had the most awful flash backs too. Some nights me and her would sit up the whole night and read stories and write poetry but the poor kid was exhausted, as was I. It all came to a head one Sunday night with me collapsing, a huge hole in one of my walls, a broken bed and everyone in a state. We moved her into my bedroom the next day (I'm still sleeping in the kitchen) This has been a good move for us all but it has left me homeless. My daughter had a tiny room and she had a high cabin bed which even if I could get upstairs I wouldn't even be able to climb into. Since Christmas is over am gonna try to get myself a bed for her room because it has hit me quite hard that I have no where in this house where I can close a door and be alone, no where to lie in peace and no where to cry alone. My kitchen is open plan and there is no privacy at all. I try to sleep every night with the sound of gun fire and the flickering lights of COD or Gears of War through the glass door of the living room. Now with a new PS3 I guess I will have some different sounds of gunfire to try and sleep too. The joys!! I wonder sometimes what would happen if I got ill. It makes me panic. I need somewhere to call my own. Don't know if you can understand that. So somehow I need to find the money to get a bed and make her old room into somewhere for me.

Taking away my daughters troubles, which have affected us all deeply, life has been better for us since I am down stairs again. The kids have responded well to having me back in their lives again and even if I could start to manage the stairs again I don't want to go back up there and be so isolated again. I have ''the girls'' now who come in every week day to help me clean the house and do shopping if I need it. It's even ok if when they come in all I want to do is sit and talk. They are there to support me in whatever way is needed. This has made a huge difference to us all and the pressure is off the kids. Since I have come home from hospital I have only had one visitor so without them I would be so lonely. It's nice to see someone everyday and just chat about anything and nothing. My parents and parents in law have still maintained their stand against us with no contact at all over Christmas. I held my daughter tonight as she sobbed that she misses my mum so much and again I felt the hurt. Oh that's reminded me of something else. I mistakenly received a few emails my mum had sent someone else regarding me and she was nasty beyond belief. She told this other person not to help me as I was faking it when I was in hospital. How she could even think that is beyond me. No one would fake something like that and leave a 17 year old only 6 weeks from a suicide attempt looking after 2 kids on his own. She is trying to poison everyone against me with a concoction of lies that are down right ludicrous. I just hope my other family members can see her for the sick minded woman she is. It also came to light she was telling my mother in law I was faking it and it looks like that is why she did nothing to help when I was in hospital. Pretty sad that her actions lost my children their other set of grand parents. She has also been ''leaking'' some of my secrets to my mother in law in a bid to cause trouble between my husband and me but it backfired. What I cant understand is, is it not enough what she did without trying to take everyone else away from me too? I think maybe she knows how wrong she was and is trying to tell lies to make what she did seem better. Also if she convinces herself I'm faking it then she doesn't need to do anything to help. My daughter paid the price for that though cos if my mum had been looking after her she would never have been sexually assaulted. A little part of me hopes she cant sleep at night thinking how her twisted nature cost that little girl her innocence. But life is too short to hold a grudge I guess.

Anyways Christmas is over and we had a quiet but good Christmas. Hogmany is likely to be just as quiet I guess. I will try and write again sooner than last time though. It's 3.43am so am gonna try to sleep now. Wish me luck lol. I hope you all had a good Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all when it comes, Love A xx

Home from hospital but not on a happy note :(

It's 5.30 in the morning and I haven't slept a wink. I really haven't slept in days. Every time I lie down my mind is just full of horrible thoughts. I should tell you now tho I am home from hosp. I got home Tuesday evening. I wasn't ready to get out but due to my circumstances at home they obviously let me go. There is still no care in place but for the moment I have a bed downstairs in the dining room. The dining room table has been dismantled and put behind the couch and my bed is where the table used to be. My hubby has given me one of the kids beds from his house to save me buying a bed I don't need. Being downstairs is half the reason I can't sleep. Am sleeping right under the window and I'm shit scared especially knowing someone broke in just a few days ago. The fridge and freezer are humming away, the clock ticks and I long just to go to my own bed. Even simple things like getting into my nighty in the dining room made me burst into tears. kids wandering in and out and no curtains that close in the kitchen or door to the dining room. I dont feel safe. Aw gid fun

My daughter had the first of her interviews with social services yesterday and she does the big interview with the police later today. She is terrified as you can imagine and the worst thing is I am not allowed to be with her while they question her. The social worker that's allocated to us is a nice enough bloke and the school nurse is so pleased we have him as he is one of the good guys but my daughter doesn't like him. She says he is creepy and has now started saying he's scary too. He explained yesterday what will happen today and told her the police officer will probably be a man but might be a woman. My daughter kept saying they would be scary and could she not get a lady police officer. I explained that even if it was a man they would be specially trained for this and they would be gentle and nice with her. They would have quiet voices and would not be scary. But she said to me she didn't want to be alone with them cos all men are scary now. I felt there and then that my heart had stopped beating and I couldn't breathe. It was like this whole thing hit me square in the chest. She is scared of all men!!! I've been thinking of this all night and I now need to be cruel to be kind. I am gonna have to expose her to ''safe'' men so she can learn to trust them again. Maybe since am just out of hospital then it would be an acceptable time to have visitors pop in and out. She needs to learn all men are not monsters and the sooner the better. The longer she stays like this the more damage could be done. Poor kid. She never deserved this

Since I have come home she has gone on and on at me to cut her hair. It was almost an obsession. She had long hair almost to her bum so I cut maybe 5'' off. When she looked in the mirror I could almost see her shoulders relax. I guess she needed to change herself to prove to herself she is not the same person she was. I guess it's similar to woman who cut their hair after they split up from their partners. They need to make a change to move on. She does suit it shorter and if it makes her happier then it's fine with me. It will grow again

Do you know something really sad tho? I don't know a single woman friend who has not suffered some kind of abuse as a kid, from sick uncles to a gang rape at 12! I was raped twice before I was 13, my sister was abused by the babysitter. What is it in men that they do that to children and woman I guess? Was it inevitable that somewhere and somehow someone would muck about with her? God knows

I also fell out with my mother and father in law when I was still in hospital. I guess I was just so stressed about all this I couldn't keep my mouth shut and pretend everything was all ok. I threw it in their faces about not doing anything to help us when social work were saying they would take the kids into care if I couldn't get any support from the family. She said ''you never asked.'' I said I shouldn't have had to ask. They are your grandkids. You should have been offering to help to stop them being taken away. She spat at me that it was all about my friends. God knows where that comes from but she can suit herself. They stormed out but I really don't care. I have got rid of another bit of stress I don't need. Kids sadly enough are happy they wont be round. That night at the hospital where they didn't offer to take them to stop them being taken into care has hurt and disgusted them beyond repair I think. It was a huge slap in the face to them and it was the final proof to them that their grandparents dont give a fuck about them. Sad :( On a good note tho my oldest son and his dad are on talking terms again. The day my husband found out about what happened to my daughter him and my son ended up punching each other. Two guys both consumed with guilt that they didn't manage to protect her from harm and they ended up fighting. It has cleared the air tho and we all seem to be working well together to try and move on. Lets hope it lasts

The lows just keep getting lower :(

I started off this week believing, that as a mother, things were at an all time low. A social worker visited me last Monday and basically said if the family didn't step in and help out for the 2 weeks of the October holidays then they would seriously consider taking the children away from us and putting them into care. As you can imagine I was gutted but after the initial shock I was determined to sort something out. I knew my sister was a no go as she has 3 kids already in a 2 bedroom house and she works night shift and leaves her own 2 little ones with her teenage son so it would be out of the frying pan and into the fire with them. My parents are obviously not willing to talk to me farless help so I decided to take my aunt up on her previous offer of ''doing anything she could to help out.'' So I came up with a plan. My aunt lives in Kidderminster and of course I live in Scotland but I explained about the kids being taken into care and asked her if she would come up and spend the school holidays at my Grampa's house and the kids could go and spend the holidays over there. My Grampa is 85 so isn't able to manage them on his own but with my aunt there it would have been fine. I was shocked and gutted when she said no as she was too tied up with her new lodger!!! I spent the whole day in a state knowing my life was slipping through my fingers and I could do nothing to stop it. By the next day tho I had toughened up and decided I would keep fighting and there had to be someone who would help me out. On Wednesday night my friend's daughter came down to see me and gave my kids a lift down too. I have maybe only met her half a dozen times but she is good fun and my kids think she is great cos she has purple hair and her tongue pierced. My mother and father in law also popped in that night. So I was explaining what had happened with my aunt and I basically said I was now just going to explain the situation to all my friends and impose on them to help out as much as they can. My friends daughter offered there and then to take my kids two days a week for dinner at night if it helped. And do you want to know something really disgusting? My mother and father in law sat there and said nothing. They did not offer to take them even a single day. They knew my kids could be taken into care if I couldn't get support from the family and they are not willing to take them. They truly do not deserve grandchildren.

On Friday I found out it would be 3 weeks at the earliest before homecare will be in place and I can get out of here. By that point I will have been in hospital close to 7 weeks!!!

Then on Saturday morning came the bombshell that has rocked my world beyond all belief. On Friday night my 10 year old daughter was sexually assaulted. My beautiful, innocent little girl has been ripped out her childhood and thrown into an adult world she does not belong. She was screaming in the street and luckily a neighbour was smoking on his doorstep and got to her quickly. He took her inside and calmed her down and since her 2 brothers were heading out to hunt down and kill the bastard who did it it was maybe a good job he was there. He offered to take her in a taxi to the hospital to see me but she got hysterical at this and would also not let anyone get the police. She did not want anyone else to know and she just wanted to forget it herself. One of my son's female friends came and helped her. She took her to bed and tucked her in and stayed with her till she slept. When I saw her she was subdued and very ashamed. Someone in my street phoned social services though and they came to the house and spoke to my son. They respected my daughters decision not to involve the police though they took the guys name who sexually assaulted her. When they were finished questioning my son they were happy enough with her care within the 4 walls of the house to leave her with her brothers. I truly thought they would just have taken her there and then but maybe for once common sense ruled and they left her in the security of her own home to heal. I have had a day pass out the hospital and she is with her dad tonight

First thing tomorrow I am certain my own social worker will be in again to see me and I might not be so lucky. So regardless on my own health it's time for me to go home. There is still no care put in place for me but my children's welfare matters more to me than anything else. I cant get back her innocence, I cant give her back her dignity and her self respect but I can be there to hold her when she cries, to comfort her when she is scared and remind her everyday she is worth more than the way he treated her. Maybe I know too much how she feels as I was raped when I was 8. I never told a soul so I understand her feelings to keep the police out. I guess history has a habit of repeating itself.

Tonight I am boiling with rage though at both my aunt and my mother and father in law. If they had only given a fuck about those kids my daughter might still have her innocence. I will never forgive them for the rest of my life. They failed a 10 year old girl and she has paid the price with her innocence and will keep paying it all her life and I know that cos I'm still paying mine

Oh btw I've had my house broken into and my car stolen. They broke into the house to get the car keys :( I know neither are important compared with my daughter but I just thought I would tell you

Housten We Have a Problem :(

As part of my referral to social work the nurses here have been working their way through this stupid form asking questions that have no relevance to my needs but they have to be answered. In the course of answering them tho the shit has hit the fan. The question was ''do you ever have suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself?'' and my answer was ''yes, everyday.'' The truth is I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to live my life in constant pain. I was ripped suddenly out of my normal life and thrown into this and to be honest I don't want to do it. Everyday I fantasise about all the ways I could die by accident. Car crash etc. Ways that would get me out of this shitty life that wouldn't have me committing suicide. It's only my kids that hold me here but there are times I dip so low I lose that hold and want to take off in the car. So the doctor was called and I'm up for psychiatric assessment which will decide whether I go into the psychiatric hospital or not and I'm also on suicide watch. Like I don't have enough problems :(

I'm not mad or mentally ill. My suicidal thoughts are only due to the circumstances I have found myself in with the cauda equina. They are made worse by my isolation from people (it's never good to spend too much time alone) and lack of support. I'm very lonely and I just wish someone loved me. I think if I had a partner there to love and support me I could fight this but all alone at 2 in the morning is not a nice place to be. As to committing suicide well it's a case of not if but when. I hope I can hold on till the kids are up and away but I truly don't know. The thought of living in this pain and isolation for another 30,40,50 years is enough to drive anyone to suicide.

I also took a bad fall again this morning so I've been put back to bed, hooked up to a night bag for my catheter and told to stay put.Yes Sir!!! Kids cant walk down to see tonight cos it's raining and my son has a sore head cos he got hit on the head with a rugby ball so am not gonna see anyone. I've no nighties left now either. Just need to hope it dont end up bypassing again. Fingers crossed

Addition: Oh I should add I'm at risk here of having the kids taken off me. And if the psychiatrists dig deep enough to find out my secret then I'll lose them no doubt. I'm sitting tonight trying to get my head round all this and I cant. Wish desperately I could talk this over with someone. Aw gid fun

Can I not get a break plssssssssssssssss

Day 10

Woke up today in a lot of pain and with a whacking great urine and kidney infection. I seriously feel like I have been beaten up. Am burning up and feel like shit to be honest :( Am having trouble with the catheter cos of the infection tho and I keep finding myself sitting in a puddle. Had to give my son away 2 wet nighties and pairs of knickers and I was so upset. He wasn't bothered at all. Said it's ok mum, they are only wet clothes. I can wash them. I just keep thinking he shouldn't be doing that kinda thing. My partner should be dealing with that, or my mum but not my kids. But there is no one here in my life except my kids and I know am so lucky to have such well grounded kids that they can deal with wet knickers and not freak

Saw 2 of the kids this afternoon but they came late so didn't stay long and they forgot some books lol. But they brought shampoo and knickers so that was good. No one came at night to visit though

Why is it when you feel ill you always just want someone to look after you? I would give half the world tonight for someone to just wrap their arms round me and tell me they care. I've as much chance of that happening as winning the lottery :(:(:(:( Aw gid fun

Day 9 :(

Day 9 in hospital and am bored out my head. I have run out of books and am just sitting staring at the walls really. I've seen the kids today but no one else. I'm in a wee side room here on my own so although it's great for getting to sleep etc it's pretty isolated. I'm starting to have these weird panic attacks now too. I kept waking up last night in a cold sweat and was seemingly crying out too according to the nurses. I have a secret I guess (for want of a better word) that is too awful to tell anyone but I think I will go mad keeping it inside me. It hits me time and time again like a punch in my tummy and I don't know what the hell to do. Spending all this time in hospital in bed with no one but the kids around is not helping much either. I just love my life lol

My Everest

Yesterday the physio came and got me out my bed and took me to the gym. Due to the way I have been lying in bed propped up on pillows my body seems to be unable to stand up straight anymore. Seemingly my tendons and ligaments are all doing strange things and even putting my feet flat on the floor is damned uncomfortable. I stood up as best I could but in all honesty I was bent over like an old woman and clinging for dear life to the zimmer. But I was gonna push myself as far as I could regardless of pain. At first she got me just to stand in one place but put one foot forward them back then the other. Then she pointed to a spot on the floor where there was a black mark and said could I walk to it. My legs were like lead and shaking like mad and every step was painful but I did it. It was maybe 7 or 8 steps but it felt like I was climbing a mountain. My kids used to joke with me when I was first out of hospital after the spinal injury. Every time I managed to get up the stairs they would say ''you did it mum, you climbed Everest'' and cheer at the bottom of the stairs. All these little things I manage to do that most people take for granted feel like ''My Everest'' When I got back to my bed yesterday I burst into tears with the pain but I had done it. I had got out my bed and walked. I spent the rest of the day doped up on painkillers but I have made progress. I've walked again :):):):)

There is still no sign of getting out of hospital. Guess what? We are still waiting for social services but to be honest I need to be able to walk properly again first. Even if social services were in place today there is no way I could get up the stairs to my bed in my own home. I think I am in for a long slow haul here. Aw gid fun

My son came and saw me yesterday after school. The nurses were lovely and even gave him some dinner. I'm feeling really lonely and alone just now though. This is when I hate being single the most. I've no partner (or mum) to even make sure I have the basic things I need. I asked my son if he could ask his gran if she had some talc I could borrow. He asked me ''what is talc?'' My face is dry and irritated from the hospital sheets but I know there is no chance that my kids could find moisturiser in the house. It's hard when all I really have is 3 kids to see to me. I've now run out of books too. I've read 8 books in 6 days lol. Hope someone brings me something in to read. I'll climb the walls if I dont have anything. My mother in law, who is a twisted bitch at the best of times, has found a new way to get to me. She took some of my nighties away to wash but brought them back to me wet!! I didn't know this tho and when the nurse took them out the bag for me to go for a shower they stank of damp and were wet :(:(:(:( She knew I needed clothes so brought me in a pair of my daughters trousers and pants both which were still wet!!!! Ok I admit my daughter is into adult women's clothes but she is nowhere near my size. So on the outside it looks like she is being helpful but underneath she is being twisted. All day I sat in this stinking nighty and just wished I had someone here with me. I'm not meant to be alone. I'm one half of a couple. But in all honest who in their right minds would want me??? Am 34 and basically a useless cripple, a parasite. I've got a catheter in which is horrible but atleast I dont stink of pee lol. What young man would possibly want to burden his life with me??? I think I have to face up to the fact no one will ever want me again and that is the most horrible thought ever. I sometimes cant bear the thought of living the rest of my life in this amount of pain but I also cant bear the thought of living it alone either. What is the point? :(