Em.... What's been happening since the last post?

It's been a while since I last wrote anything here and it's fair to say I have gone through one of the worst and emotionally draining times as a parent and also in my adult life. The sexual assault my daughter suffered in October has changed all our lives in a such a huge way it's hard to see any resemblance to the family we were before. I guess I should bring you up to date on what happened. Social services back out of our lives almost immediately as the matter became a criminal one and not a social one so that was a relief but from what I was told by the social worker there was no case against the young man who did this as it was his word against my daughters. The police never did get in contact with us though :( My daughter is terrified to leave the house alone as this young man lives only a few doors away and not a day goes by where she doesn't see him. She doesn't go out to play anymore and has had to be brought home on occasions by the head teacher in an awful state. She suffers panic attack when she needs to leave the house or when it's time to come home from school. The worst thing has been her ''black'' times though. I'm not sure what to call them, a strop maybe, a bad time? I'm not sure but what I do know is that when they start it takes 2 to 3 hours for them to pass and it's awful. She cries and screams and rages and mostly it's directed at me. Nothing I can say or do brings her out of it any quicker and at times I have felt I don't have the strength to carry on but somehow I always do. The worst part of it all is when it's finished and she becomes my daughter again and she is exhausted from all the emotion and she is so sorry. She doesn't even remember how it started but she knows she is sorry for it all and it breaks my heart. From almost the instant this happened she wanted her hair cut. Her hair was almost to her waist and so beautiful. I think she needed to change herself though and prove she was no longer that girl anymore. He beautiful hair is now cut to her shoulders but if it helps then maybe it's worth it. I was always sure that there was more to what happened to my daughter than she told us and unfortunately my fears were true. A few nights before Christmas I was talking with her and my sons friend and his girlfriend in a very casual situation. In all the hours I have spent with her I got no where in this but out the blue she talked and things are much worse than we thought. But one good thing came out and it's that there is there is a part witness and someone who can blow this guys defence out the window. He claimed that he was trying to go to the toilet when this happened and that was why he ended up in my daughters room. The scheme of houses I live in have some houses like mine and some a mirror image of mine and he said he was confused as his house was the opposite way from mine. But from what my daughter said, and the witness, this guy came OUT of the toilet and went into her room. I should explain what happened. My daughter had been downstairs talking to a friend on MSN. My sons friend wanted to put music on but she said no so he started teasing her and she went upstairs in a huff. As my oldest son was outside trying to stop these idiots who had travelled across town to ''gatecrash'' the house as they had heard he I was in hospital and there were no parents at home from wrecking the garden. He had left a friend in charge though and when my daughter went upstairs his friend went to check on her. While his friend was checking on her, her attacker came out the toilet and into her room. He insisted to my son's friend he would ''take care'' of things and that he should go and he would see she was all right and ''take care'' of things he did :( My son's friend has backed up 100% what my daughter said and has agreed to tell the police so I'm going back to the police next week. This shows he had intent and also blows his story apart as he came from the toilet. It all means my daughter is going to have to go back through the police questioning again but maybe now he will be punished for what he did instead of walking round the streets happy as Larry while my daughter hides at home

One big change we made in the house was move my daughter out her bedroom. For the first few weeks life was awful and it was a fight every night to get her to bed. She was plagued by nightmares and she cried out and screamed in her sleep and all night I could hear her bangles jangling together as she thrashed about the bed. She had the most awful flash backs too. Some nights me and her would sit up the whole night and read stories and write poetry but the poor kid was exhausted, as was I. It all came to a head one Sunday night with me collapsing, a huge hole in one of my walls, a broken bed and everyone in a state. We moved her into my bedroom the next day (I'm still sleeping in the kitchen) This has been a good move for us all but it has left me homeless. My daughter had a tiny room and she had a high cabin bed which even if I could get upstairs I wouldn't even be able to climb into. Since Christmas is over am gonna try to get myself a bed for her room because it has hit me quite hard that I have no where in this house where I can close a door and be alone, no where to lie in peace and no where to cry alone. My kitchen is open plan and there is no privacy at all. I try to sleep every night with the sound of gun fire and the flickering lights of COD or Gears of War through the glass door of the living room. Now with a new PS3 I guess I will have some different sounds of gunfire to try and sleep too. The joys!! I wonder sometimes what would happen if I got ill. It makes me panic. I need somewhere to call my own. Don't know if you can understand that. So somehow I need to find the money to get a bed and make her old room into somewhere for me.

Taking away my daughters troubles, which have affected us all deeply, life has been better for us since I am down stairs again. The kids have responded well to having me back in their lives again and even if I could start to manage the stairs again I don't want to go back up there and be so isolated again. I have ''the girls'' now who come in every week day to help me clean the house and do shopping if I need it. It's even ok if when they come in all I want to do is sit and talk. They are there to support me in whatever way is needed. This has made a huge difference to us all and the pressure is off the kids. Since I have come home from hospital I have only had one visitor so without them I would be so lonely. It's nice to see someone everyday and just chat about anything and nothing. My parents and parents in law have still maintained their stand against us with no contact at all over Christmas. I held my daughter tonight as she sobbed that she misses my mum so much and again I felt the hurt. Oh that's reminded me of something else. I mistakenly received a few emails my mum had sent someone else regarding me and she was nasty beyond belief. She told this other person not to help me as I was faking it when I was in hospital. How she could even think that is beyond me. No one would fake something like that and leave a 17 year old only 6 weeks from a suicide attempt looking after 2 kids on his own. She is trying to poison everyone against me with a concoction of lies that are down right ludicrous. I just hope my other family members can see her for the sick minded woman she is. It also came to light she was telling my mother in law I was faking it and it looks like that is why she did nothing to help when I was in hospital. Pretty sad that her actions lost my children their other set of grand parents. She has also been ''leaking'' some of my secrets to my mother in law in a bid to cause trouble between my husband and me but it backfired. What I cant understand is, is it not enough what she did without trying to take everyone else away from me too? I think maybe she knows how wrong she was and is trying to tell lies to make what she did seem better. Also if she convinces herself I'm faking it then she doesn't need to do anything to help. My daughter paid the price for that though cos if my mum had been looking after her she would never have been sexually assaulted. A little part of me hopes she cant sleep at night thinking how her twisted nature cost that little girl her innocence. But life is too short to hold a grudge I guess.

Anyways Christmas is over and we had a quiet but good Christmas. Hogmany is likely to be just as quiet I guess. I will try and write again sooner than last time though. It's 3.43am so am gonna try to sleep now. Wish me luck lol. I hope you all had a good Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all when it comes, Love A xx

Home from hospital but not on a happy note :(

It's 5.30 in the morning and I haven't slept a wink. I really haven't slept in days. Every time I lie down my mind is just full of horrible thoughts. I should tell you now tho I am home from hosp. I got home Tuesday evening. I wasn't ready to get out but due to my circumstances at home they obviously let me go. There is still no care in place but for the moment I have a bed downstairs in the dining room. The dining room table has been dismantled and put behind the couch and my bed is where the table used to be. My hubby has given me one of the kids beds from his house to save me buying a bed I don't need. Being downstairs is half the reason I can't sleep. Am sleeping right under the window and I'm shit scared especially knowing someone broke in just a few days ago. The fridge and freezer are humming away, the clock ticks and I long just to go to my own bed. Even simple things like getting into my nighty in the dining room made me burst into tears. kids wandering in and out and no curtains that close in the kitchen or door to the dining room. I dont feel safe. Aw gid fun

My daughter had the first of her interviews with social services yesterday and she does the big interview with the police later today. She is terrified as you can imagine and the worst thing is I am not allowed to be with her while they question her. The social worker that's allocated to us is a nice enough bloke and the school nurse is so pleased we have him as he is one of the good guys but my daughter doesn't like him. She says he is creepy and has now started saying he's scary too. He explained yesterday what will happen today and told her the police officer will probably be a man but might be a woman. My daughter kept saying they would be scary and could she not get a lady police officer. I explained that even if it was a man they would be specially trained for this and they would be gentle and nice with her. They would have quiet voices and would not be scary. But she said to me she didn't want to be alone with them cos all men are scary now. I felt there and then that my heart had stopped beating and I couldn't breathe. It was like this whole thing hit me square in the chest. She is scared of all men!!! I've been thinking of this all night and I now need to be cruel to be kind. I am gonna have to expose her to ''safe'' men so she can learn to trust them again. Maybe since am just out of hospital then it would be an acceptable time to have visitors pop in and out. She needs to learn all men are not monsters and the sooner the better. The longer she stays like this the more damage could be done. Poor kid. She never deserved this

Since I have come home she has gone on and on at me to cut her hair. It was almost an obsession. She had long hair almost to her bum so I cut maybe 5'' off. When she looked in the mirror I could almost see her shoulders relax. I guess she needed to change herself to prove to herself she is not the same person she was. I guess it's similar to woman who cut their hair after they split up from their partners. They need to make a change to move on. She does suit it shorter and if it makes her happier then it's fine with me. It will grow again

Do you know something really sad tho? I don't know a single woman friend who has not suffered some kind of abuse as a kid, from sick uncles to a gang rape at 12! I was raped twice before I was 13, my sister was abused by the babysitter. What is it in men that they do that to children and woman I guess? Was it inevitable that somewhere and somehow someone would muck about with her? God knows

I also fell out with my mother and father in law when I was still in hospital. I guess I was just so stressed about all this I couldn't keep my mouth shut and pretend everything was all ok. I threw it in their faces about not doing anything to help us when social work were saying they would take the kids into care if I couldn't get any support from the family. She said ''you never asked.'' I said I shouldn't have had to ask. They are your grandkids. You should have been offering to help to stop them being taken away. She spat at me that it was all about my friends. God knows where that comes from but she can suit herself. They stormed out but I really don't care. I have got rid of another bit of stress I don't need. Kids sadly enough are happy they wont be round. That night at the hospital where they didn't offer to take them to stop them being taken into care has hurt and disgusted them beyond repair I think. It was a huge slap in the face to them and it was the final proof to them that their grandparents dont give a fuck about them. Sad :( On a good note tho my oldest son and his dad are on talking terms again. The day my husband found out about what happened to my daughter him and my son ended up punching each other. Two guys both consumed with guilt that they didn't manage to protect her from harm and they ended up fighting. It has cleared the air tho and we all seem to be working well together to try and move on. Lets hope it lasts

The lows just keep getting lower :(

I started off this week believing, that as a mother, things were at an all time low. A social worker visited me last Monday and basically said if the family didn't step in and help out for the 2 weeks of the October holidays then they would seriously consider taking the children away from us and putting them into care. As you can imagine I was gutted but after the initial shock I was determined to sort something out. I knew my sister was a no go as she has 3 kids already in a 2 bedroom house and she works night shift and leaves her own 2 little ones with her teenage son so it would be out of the frying pan and into the fire with them. My parents are obviously not willing to talk to me farless help so I decided to take my aunt up on her previous offer of ''doing anything she could to help out.'' So I came up with a plan. My aunt lives in Kidderminster and of course I live in Scotland but I explained about the kids being taken into care and asked her if she would come up and spend the school holidays at my Grampa's house and the kids could go and spend the holidays over there. My Grampa is 85 so isn't able to manage them on his own but with my aunt there it would have been fine. I was shocked and gutted when she said no as she was too tied up with her new lodger!!! I spent the whole day in a state knowing my life was slipping through my fingers and I could do nothing to stop it. By the next day tho I had toughened up and decided I would keep fighting and there had to be someone who would help me out. On Wednesday night my friend's daughter came down to see me and gave my kids a lift down too. I have maybe only met her half a dozen times but she is good fun and my kids think she is great cos she has purple hair and her tongue pierced. My mother and father in law also popped in that night. So I was explaining what had happened with my aunt and I basically said I was now just going to explain the situation to all my friends and impose on them to help out as much as they can. My friends daughter offered there and then to take my kids two days a week for dinner at night if it helped. And do you want to know something really disgusting? My mother and father in law sat there and said nothing. They did not offer to take them even a single day. They knew my kids could be taken into care if I couldn't get support from the family and they are not willing to take them. They truly do not deserve grandchildren.

On Friday I found out it would be 3 weeks at the earliest before homecare will be in place and I can get out of here. By that point I will have been in hospital close to 7 weeks!!!

Then on Saturday morning came the bombshell that has rocked my world beyond all belief. On Friday night my 10 year old daughter was sexually assaulted. My beautiful, innocent little girl has been ripped out her childhood and thrown into an adult world she does not belong. She was screaming in the street and luckily a neighbour was smoking on his doorstep and got to her quickly. He took her inside and calmed her down and since her 2 brothers were heading out to hunt down and kill the bastard who did it it was maybe a good job he was there. He offered to take her in a taxi to the hospital to see me but she got hysterical at this and would also not let anyone get the police. She did not want anyone else to know and she just wanted to forget it herself. One of my son's female friends came and helped her. She took her to bed and tucked her in and stayed with her till she slept. When I saw her she was subdued and very ashamed. Someone in my street phoned social services though and they came to the house and spoke to my son. They respected my daughters decision not to involve the police though they took the guys name who sexually assaulted her. When they were finished questioning my son they were happy enough with her care within the 4 walls of the house to leave her with her brothers. I truly thought they would just have taken her there and then but maybe for once common sense ruled and they left her in the security of her own home to heal. I have had a day pass out the hospital and she is with her dad tonight

First thing tomorrow I am certain my own social worker will be in again to see me and I might not be so lucky. So regardless on my own health it's time for me to go home. There is still no care put in place for me but my children's welfare matters more to me than anything else. I cant get back her innocence, I cant give her back her dignity and her self respect but I can be there to hold her when she cries, to comfort her when she is scared and remind her everyday she is worth more than the way he treated her. Maybe I know too much how she feels as I was raped when I was 8. I never told a soul so I understand her feelings to keep the police out. I guess history has a habit of repeating itself.

Tonight I am boiling with rage though at both my aunt and my mother and father in law. If they had only given a fuck about those kids my daughter might still have her innocence. I will never forgive them for the rest of my life. They failed a 10 year old girl and she has paid the price with her innocence and will keep paying it all her life and I know that cos I'm still paying mine

Oh btw I've had my house broken into and my car stolen. They broke into the house to get the car keys :( I know neither are important compared with my daughter but I just thought I would tell you

Housten We Have a Problem :(

As part of my referral to social work the nurses here have been working their way through this stupid form asking questions that have no relevance to my needs but they have to be answered. In the course of answering them tho the shit has hit the fan. The question was ''do you ever have suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself?'' and my answer was ''yes, everyday.'' The truth is I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to live my life in constant pain. I was ripped suddenly out of my normal life and thrown into this and to be honest I don't want to do it. Everyday I fantasise about all the ways I could die by accident. Car crash etc. Ways that would get me out of this shitty life that wouldn't have me committing suicide. It's only my kids that hold me here but there are times I dip so low I lose that hold and want to take off in the car. So the doctor was called and I'm up for psychiatric assessment which will decide whether I go into the psychiatric hospital or not and I'm also on suicide watch. Like I don't have enough problems :(

I'm not mad or mentally ill. My suicidal thoughts are only due to the circumstances I have found myself in with the cauda equina. They are made worse by my isolation from people (it's never good to spend too much time alone) and lack of support. I'm very lonely and I just wish someone loved me. I think if I had a partner there to love and support me I could fight this but all alone at 2 in the morning is not a nice place to be. As to committing suicide well it's a case of not if but when. I hope I can hold on till the kids are up and away but I truly don't know. The thought of living in this pain and isolation for another 30,40,50 years is enough to drive anyone to suicide.

I also took a bad fall again this morning so I've been put back to bed, hooked up to a night bag for my catheter and told to stay put.Yes Sir!!! Kids cant walk down to see tonight cos it's raining and my son has a sore head cos he got hit on the head with a rugby ball so am not gonna see anyone. I've no nighties left now either. Just need to hope it dont end up bypassing again. Fingers crossed

Addition: Oh I should add I'm at risk here of having the kids taken off me. And if the psychiatrists dig deep enough to find out my secret then I'll lose them no doubt. I'm sitting tonight trying to get my head round all this and I cant. Wish desperately I could talk this over with someone. Aw gid fun

Can I not get a break plssssssssssssssss

Day 10

Woke up today in a lot of pain and with a whacking great urine and kidney infection. I seriously feel like I have been beaten up. Am burning up and feel like shit to be honest :( Am having trouble with the catheter cos of the infection tho and I keep finding myself sitting in a puddle. Had to give my son away 2 wet nighties and pairs of knickers and I was so upset. He wasn't bothered at all. Said it's ok mum, they are only wet clothes. I can wash them. I just keep thinking he shouldn't be doing that kinda thing. My partner should be dealing with that, or my mum but not my kids. But there is no one here in my life except my kids and I know am so lucky to have such well grounded kids that they can deal with wet knickers and not freak

Saw 2 of the kids this afternoon but they came late so didn't stay long and they forgot some books lol. But they brought shampoo and knickers so that was good. No one came at night to visit though

Why is it when you feel ill you always just want someone to look after you? I would give half the world tonight for someone to just wrap their arms round me and tell me they care. I've as much chance of that happening as winning the lottery :(:(:(:( Aw gid fun

Day 9 :(

Day 9 in hospital and am bored out my head. I have run out of books and am just sitting staring at the walls really. I've seen the kids today but no one else. I'm in a wee side room here on my own so although it's great for getting to sleep etc it's pretty isolated. I'm starting to have these weird panic attacks now too. I kept waking up last night in a cold sweat and was seemingly crying out too according to the nurses. I have a secret I guess (for want of a better word) that is too awful to tell anyone but I think I will go mad keeping it inside me. It hits me time and time again like a punch in my tummy and I don't know what the hell to do. Spending all this time in hospital in bed with no one but the kids around is not helping much either. I just love my life lol

My Everest

Yesterday the physio came and got me out my bed and took me to the gym. Due to the way I have been lying in bed propped up on pillows my body seems to be unable to stand up straight anymore. Seemingly my tendons and ligaments are all doing strange things and even putting my feet flat on the floor is damned uncomfortable. I stood up as best I could but in all honesty I was bent over like an old woman and clinging for dear life to the zimmer. But I was gonna push myself as far as I could regardless of pain. At first she got me just to stand in one place but put one foot forward them back then the other. Then she pointed to a spot on the floor where there was a black mark and said could I walk to it. My legs were like lead and shaking like mad and every step was painful but I did it. It was maybe 7 or 8 steps but it felt like I was climbing a mountain. My kids used to joke with me when I was first out of hospital after the spinal injury. Every time I managed to get up the stairs they would say ''you did it mum, you climbed Everest'' and cheer at the bottom of the stairs. All these little things I manage to do that most people take for granted feel like ''My Everest'' When I got back to my bed yesterday I burst into tears with the pain but I had done it. I had got out my bed and walked. I spent the rest of the day doped up on painkillers but I have made progress. I've walked again :):):):)

There is still no sign of getting out of hospital. Guess what? We are still waiting for social services but to be honest I need to be able to walk properly again first. Even if social services were in place today there is no way I could get up the stairs to my bed in my own home. I think I am in for a long slow haul here. Aw gid fun

My son came and saw me yesterday after school. The nurses were lovely and even gave him some dinner. I'm feeling really lonely and alone just now though. This is when I hate being single the most. I've no partner (or mum) to even make sure I have the basic things I need. I asked my son if he could ask his gran if she had some talc I could borrow. He asked me ''what is talc?'' My face is dry and irritated from the hospital sheets but I know there is no chance that my kids could find moisturiser in the house. It's hard when all I really have is 3 kids to see to me. I've now run out of books too. I've read 8 books in 6 days lol. Hope someone brings me something in to read. I'll climb the walls if I dont have anything. My mother in law, who is a twisted bitch at the best of times, has found a new way to get to me. She took some of my nighties away to wash but brought them back to me wet!! I didn't know this tho and when the nurse took them out the bag for me to go for a shower they stank of damp and were wet :(:(:(:( She knew I needed clothes so brought me in a pair of my daughters trousers and pants both which were still wet!!!! Ok I admit my daughter is into adult women's clothes but she is nowhere near my size. So on the outside it looks like she is being helpful but underneath she is being twisted. All day I sat in this stinking nighty and just wished I had someone here with me. I'm not meant to be alone. I'm one half of a couple. But in all honest who in their right minds would want me??? Am 34 and basically a useless cripple, a parasite. I've got a catheter in which is horrible but atleast I dont stink of pee lol. What young man would possibly want to burden his life with me??? I think I have to face up to the fact no one will ever want me again and that is the most horrible thought ever. I sometimes cant bear the thought of living the rest of my life in this amount of pain but I also cant bear the thought of living it alone either. What is the point? :(

In Hospital

Hello. I'm writing this blog from hospital. My GP came to see me on Friday and basically said I needed taken into hospital. She said the kids couldn't cope with looking after me and I needed basic nursing and physiotherapy to get me back on my feet. I have also had a permanent catheter fitted for the moment. The bad news is I could be in here for weeks cos I don't think they will let me out till social services have put the care in place at home. While I am in hospital the nurses will put daily pressure on social services to hurry up so they can free up a bed. So if I leave before social services have done their stuff then they will just forget about me again. I told my Dr today I will stay as long as I can but once I'm up on my feet again and if something happens to the kids then I will go home. Simple as that

As to the kids that is not a happy story. My ex hubby refused to take my oldest son :( Only 6 weeks after he was home alone and he tried to kill himself my ex says that. I had to tell my son that he wasn't going to his dad's and that wasn't nice. I had really hoped my ex would just look after my son for a few days. Put a meal infront of him instead of the other way round but it didn't happen. My son was hurt but is trying not to show it. Since then my daughter has also gone home to stay with her brother. They both have a bad cold/flu thing and I just feel awful sitting here when they are ill at home. But I still cant walk yet so I cant help them anyways. I would be there with cuddles though. The school nurse came to see me today and also popped in to see my oldest son and daughter to check on them. She has told me she has no concerns at all about my daughter staying with her brother and as far as the law is concerned there is nothing to worry about. I got my laptop brought into hosp today to do a tesco online shopping for them so atleast I know there is plenty of food for them and I took the chance to update my blog.

I'm not getting any visitors really with the kids being ill and away. I have a sister but she is away down south at her T.A. camp so she cant come in. No one else has really come. My middle son says he will come straight from school tomorrow so it will be lovely to see him. I miss my kids terribly and I really do wonder what my life has come to when the only person who visited me today was the school nurse.

As to my mobility things are not much better. I wasn't out my bed till Monday and then all they did was get me to stand up though I must admit that was pretty difficult. I couldn't even stand up straight. I was hunched over like an old woman. My muscles have wasted fast and am pretty damned weak. I stood up again today and I'm getting some more physio tomorrow. My pain has got a lot worse today and I'm doped to my eyes with pills. Not good :(

Anyways now I have my laptop in I can update this with any progress

Hope?

My friend, after reading my blog last night, was so angry he decided to take matters into his own hands. Armed with the information from my blog and a few details from me he took time off work and drove to my town this morning and walked into the Social Work Dept with all guns blazing. He did what my friends around me, my mother in law and my family failed to do for me and the kids. He cared enough to stand up for me. He spoke to the duty worker and explained the situation and they are saying someone will get in touch today. Turns out though they sent someone out to the house yesterday and got no answer. What idiot goes to a house when the reason they are going is because the person is obviously bed bound and knocks on the door? What was I expected to do? Run down the stairs and answer it? Surely a phone call first would have been more sensible but when does sense and the Social Work ever come into the same sentence? Unfortunately my son had been out for a job interview yesterday and he wasn't there to get the door and since I'm so doped up on painkillers I doze off all the time and I never heard it. So fingers crossed they will phone or come today. I have got the cold just now so in a way it's a blessing as I cant smell myself but god knows what the kids are smelling lol. I just long for a bath.

I feel so much gratitude to my friend for what he did for us today. I will be forever in his debt. One day I hope if he ever needs me I can be there for him. I don't really believe in fairy tales but this time I do cos my knight in shining armour rode to my rescue. Sometimes when you think no one gives a shit you might just get a surprise cos your knight in shining armour might be just around the corner ready to come to your rescue :)

Talking about my son and his interview has reminded me of another injustice in the system. When my son got kicked out of college for taking too much time off to look after me I lost my Children's Tax Credits for him. My son and I went to the Job centre and asked what benefits he could get and we were told he was entitled to nothing. His child benefit would continue for 10 more weeks and that was what I was supposed to keep him on. That's about £14 a week!!!! I had lost £54 a week when his benefits stopped. I got myself pretty stressed about this and my son actually stopped eating he felt so bad. Poor guy. Guess it maybe played a part in the stress that pushed him over the edge. We tried to get him registered as my carer but they would have taken the money off of my Severe Disability payment and given it to him so we would have been no better off. He is also not entitled to Income Support till he turns 18. Eventually we got a 10 week extension on the Children's tax Credits but that runs out at the end of the month and as a family we are going to find ourselves short of £294 a month and there seems to be nothing we can do about it. Until he either gets a job or turns 18 we get no money for him. Getting a job is a double edged sword cos I need him to look after me but we also need the money. At this interview yesterday they asked him about his college course and what grade he got and he was honest and admitted he never completed college cos of looking after me. That was it. Interview over. Who wants to employ someone who needs to take time off to look after their mother? I don't know what the answer is. It's just another worry

Update: Social Services did not come today. It's beyond belief :(

A New Low

I think I can truly say I have hit an all time low. My accident last week, though it seems quite trivial, has left me in pain unimaginable and I have been pretty much confined to bed since then. For the first 4 days I couldn't even get up to go to the toilet which was horrible. Even with incontinence pads and rubber sheeting underneath me I still found it very hard to ''let go'' sitting in my bed. It went against everything we learn when we learn to control our bladders. But needs must. My mother in law phoned my GP on Friday and told them the situation and my GP said she would phone Social Services and get me some emergency care put into place. I'm still waiting!! It's incomprehensible that in Scotland in this day and age that I can be sitting filthy in my own bed and cant get any personal care sorted. I thought this ''Care in the Community'' was supposed to mean people like me can get help to be independent in their own homes? Surely also the welfare of my children must come into play somewhere? I am not able to do anything for them. They are cooking and washing clothes I know but god knows what state the house will be in. The thing is as well is my son has hurt his back lifting me (I'm not a small girl lol) so he has been unable for days now to give me any help. It's like ''it never rains but it pours''. Last night a male friend was set to drive to my house at 10.45 (and it's an hours drive) to come and bath me (with his girlfriends backing) which blew me away. It was so good to know that somewhere someone gave a shit about me. I said no though, half through pride and half through the fact my kids were sleeping and I did not want them to wake up in the middle of the night and find a strange man bathing mummy. And I was sure Social Services would come today though but they haven't. Now Mother Nature has put her wooden spoon in which now ensures I will let no one near me to help. My son told me he doesn't care. Said he would wipe my arse if I needed it but the thought of him smelling me is just so damned horrible I keep crying. Maybe if he was a girl it would be easier. I dont know. So I'm stuck in my own filth till I can get in the bath myself. All I can think about today (again) is where is my mum in all this? I know she would have helped me get bathed. She would have been there with a basin of water and a face cloth and I would have let her help me if only my dad hadn't stopped her seeing me. I feel so sad. I just feel like everything is working against me :(

I still cant get my head round how my life changed. How did I go from being healthy and happy one day to being a bloody parasite the next. I can do nothing for myself at the moment. I need brought food and coffee, I need lifted to get out of bed to the toilet (though this is an improvement on earier so I wont knock it) and I need help to have a bath. I went from looking after my kids to them looking after me, the carer to the one needing care. Something isn't right here. They are all out tonight and I would just love a coffee and a pee. Pathetic amn't I lol?

What's ironic too is that I used to work as a Home Carer. I went into disabled and old people's houses and provided personal care, got them up in the mornings, put them to bed at nights, took them to the toilet, bathed them, cooked etc. I always worked in a pair on my round and met a few other carers. I always treated my clients with dignity, never called them pet or love or worst of all doll, never treated them like a child which a lot of other carers did. Maybe because my parents were both disabled I knew all about the ''does he take sugar?'' way that people treat disabled people. I used to hate when I was shopping with mum and pushing her in her chair and she would hand money to the shop assistant and they would give me the change. I'm finding it already as I am using my own wheelchair. I'm dreading being treated like a child if and when I do some help. I think that will just add insult to injury. I have always been a very proud and very independent woman and I am day by day losing both. I have sat in tears most of today, one half of me hoping beyond words for help and the other half of me gutted that I need it. Aw gid fun

I've said it before folks and I will no doubt say it again but please, please make the most of your life. Dont find yourself sitting like me one day and wondering why the hell it all had to go wrong

Just call me Lucky lol

Summer hasn't really come to Scotland this year or if it did I blinked and missed it so when I woke up this morning I thought it looked a nice day so I would get out in the garden for a bit. I rested in my bed for a few hours and let my painkillers kick in. Gardening is always a compromise for me. I know if I do it I will need to spend the next 2 days in bed recovering. But the back garden was a tip (not helped by the teenage boys who have spent the summer lounging about in it) and it gets me down cos I always had such a lovely garden and to see it full of weeds and rubbish makes my heart break. So I went outside but first went to hang some washing up and the whirligig fell on me and I pulled a muscle in my back. I tried to pull some weeds out but the pain in my back was unbearable and it was hurting me even to breathe. I sat on the step and looked at the mess in the garden and my knew my useless f**ken body couldn't tidy it up and I just cried, first with the pain and second with the sacrifices I have had to make since the cauda equina hit me. The simple pleasures of gardening, knitting or even just getting out and about have been denied me and I can tell you it sucks big time. I have been feeling really down recently but I had perked up enough today to get my car keys back off my son (when I get down I have the urge to drive and drive and he worries I maybe wont come back. He knows I would never abandon them but I do fight suicidal thoughts a lot and when I want to drive he knows am in a bad way) Sitting here just now I feel I have slumped right back down again. It seems to be one step forward two steps back in my life just now and I hate it :( When is my life going to get better? Answers on a post card lol

My F**ked Up Life

I said to a friend the other day that I use my blog as a bit of a diary and they laughed at me and said ''I thought that was what a blog was''. So am gonna get something off my chest here cos as usual with my sad, fucked up life am left to deal with all the shit on my own

For the first time since my oldest son's suicide attempt things were actually looking up this week. We had had 4 settled days then my mum decided to upset everyone again. She is trying everything she can to see my kids behind my back, involving other people, but hasn't stopped to consider the fact that my kids might want fuck all to do with her after her shocking treatment of me. They boys have point blank said they dont ever want to see her again because of the way she hurt me. Boys tend to be protective towards their mums tho. I actually had to pull my son out of school today cos I found out she was actually going to approach him at school!! My son who as you might know if you have been following my blog is autistic. He is incredibly sensitive but very hard to get close to. He takes everything in but finds it very hard to let anything out. He was so close to my mum and took this situation the worst. It took me 2 weeks to get him in any state to go back to school and I had to cope with his tears, tantrums and worst of all his violent outbursts. 4 of my doors and 3 walls have been left with holes in them due to his frustrations. He was barely on his feet when the trouble with my oldest son happened and he plummeted right back down. Last Saturday I ended up flat on my back with him on top of me when his frustration got too much for him. I dont think he actually pushed me over but he did kinda push at me and since I'm so unsteady on my feet I fell over. In the aftermath of that I really did think things couldn't get any worse but surprisingly we did have a good week. Tonight tho he is crippled with a migraine (he has pretty much had 3 months of migraines with the stress of it all) and my daughter is going about screaming at everyone who so much as looks at her the wrong way. Am lost at what I can do to help them. I am gonna have to find the strength to pick up the pieces AGAIN but I'm barely managing to hold things together myself. Why cant my mum understand that and leave us alone? She wrecked our lives a few months ago and has done it again about once a month since then. Everytime I lift my head she kicks me back down. Not only have I lost the support of my parents but they are doing everything possible to wreck whatever stability I work hard to get with the kids. Since I came home when my son was in hospital I have not even had 5 mins to myself to try and put things right for myself. Basically my oldest son has been a continuous shadow as, I'm sure you can understand, he was not able to be left on his own. I have spent all my time supporting the kids that I haven't even started to sort out my own feelings. I almost lost my son and that's a hard thing to get your head round. My husband was supposed to be taking the kids on Saturday and keeping them all night. It might not sound much but I was clinging onto that little bit of time on my own but he has cancelled. It doesn't matter how desperate I am for a break or what my plans were. Why am I being left to do this all on my own?

Today I just want to get in my car and drive and drive and never come home. There's nothing left here for me anymore.

Runrig at Scone Palace

I was lucky enough this week to see Runrig live at Scone Palace :) I have been a life long Runrig Fan getting my first album at aged 5. I have met the band and been to countless concerts over the years. The concert was brilliant and it was good to see some of the older stuff in there. Things like Every River and the surprise of the night was Nightfall on Marsco. I never thought Runrig would be the same after Donnie left but they have come back even stronger and though I miss Donnie, Bruce has done some amazing stuff with them.

I had thought my concert going days were over but I had made a promise to my youngest son that one day I would take him to a Runrig concert so one wheelchair later and I did and he was so happy. He had a brilliant time. One of the few highlights of this year.

The funniest part of the day was an anouncement over the loud speakers saying could the owner of the car, registration number blah blah blah, could you please go back to your car you have left the engine running!!!!! Now how the hell do you manage that????

Kids and Lawyers

There is something not many people know about but I'm involved in a pretty big and long legal case. I've not done anything wrong before you think I'm some kinda criminal. It's the opposite really. Someone did something pretty wrong to me. Anyways I got an email from my lawyer recently regarding some important things and it had been playing on my mind. Previously I always talked to my dad about these things but he doesn't care anymore so there is no one to talk to about it. My kids all know about my legal case. On Thursday there my boys were having a right banter just before we were going shopping. They were laughing and joking. Pretty wound up I guess but in a good way. It was all fun and considering the recent shit we have gone through fun way beats tears, anger and frustration. I said to them I had got an email from my lawyer and she wanted to come to the house and see me but they were too busy having a laugh to pay much attention. So I left it. But in the car going to the shops I asked ''will you guys listen to me now about my lawyer?'' And my middle son said ''phone an answering machine. It will listen.'' I just froze really. He had meant it as a joke but it just hammered home to me how sad I am that am trying to talk to two teenagers about things like that as I don't have anyone else to talk to. It was a pretty horrible feeling :(

Tidying up the garden

It's been a nice day here and my son and I have been working in the front garden. Gardening was always my biggest hobby and my garden was my pride and joy but it's slipped since I've been disabled. But we got a lot of tidying up done and it looks so much better. I'm exhausted and in agony with my back now though and I'll pay for it with a few days stuck in bed :( but it's worth it. It's been a strange thing though that since my son got out of hospital I have had this urge to mend anything that's broken. I have been doing little repairs in the house and cleaning as much as I'm able to. It's almost like if I can fix all the things that are broken around me then maybe I can fix my life too. I'm not sure. But whatever the reason the results are good in that the house and now the garden are looking much better. Just need to tackle the back garden now. It's just a pity that most pleasure in my life now involves pain :( It's sometimes had to comprehend I will spend my whole life in what is sometimes unbearable pain. The pain killers take the edge off things but the side effects are so bad that sometimes I feel I'm living a half life due to them. I cant remember much about anything anymore. Days go by in a haze. I'm so sleepy too. Sometimes I find it difficult to even speak or type as words get mixed up or just disappear. I find myself trying to say tree and say tractor instead. Or try to talk about Dublin and say Belfast instead. The worst thing is finding I can get the first letter of a word out but the rest doesn't come and I'm left floundering with my mouth open looking bloody stupid. It's mad! But I try not to think about what I've lost and what the future holds for me as it makes me just want to give up and that's not good

Poem

The blood trickles down my skin
Like a winding river heading to the sea
Taking a route as uncertain as my life
Maybe the blood can set me free

There's so much pain inside my heart
The ache in my chest threatening to crush me
Will the blood take away some of the hurt?
As it flows out my flesh will it set me free?

Am I all alone to cope with this pain?
Is there anyone in my life able to help me?
A hand to steady, an arm to lean on
A guiding light in the darkness around me

Do I trust in god, or whoever guides us?
That if I reach the end he wont actually fail me?
Am I destined to stay or destined to go?
Or just float in the hell of my own private sea?

Help I cry, please someone help me!
But it's swallowed up in the silence around me
What have I done to be tested so badly?
Why does no one come, why wont someone help me?

But the blood is drying and the sun is rising
Another day dawns to hurt and to crush me
Please someone give me the strength to continue
While I dream of the day when I'm actually free

The worst day of my life

I'm back. I should be sitting here wanting to tell you all about my wonderful holiday but surprise surprise my shitty life didn't go to plan.

I got to India fine and spent a few good days wandering about and going on some tours but on the Tuesday night I got a call from a friend to say my son was in hospital and I needed to call the hospital as no one would tell her what was happening as she was not next of kin. So at 1.30 in the morning am standing in the hotel lobby making an international call to get the worst news a parent can get. My son was on life support and was dying. He was not expected to make it through the night :( He had taken 2 massive seizures and had considerable swelling on his brain. It emerged he had taken an overdose of my slow release Tramadol and also some Pregabalin. My son had tried to commit suicide. The fact the pills he took were slow release tablets was what was killing him. They couldn't pump his stomach and get rid of it. It was all in his blood and killing him. I was wracked with guilt it was my medicine he had taken

The next few hours passed in a series of phone calls. Calls to my sister and mother in law to get them to go to the hospital. Phone calls to the police to get them to trace my husband who was on holiday also and in an area with no mobile phone signal. Phone calls to a friend to get online and find out when I could get my flights home changed. As it turned out it took me 3 days to get home which I think have to be the worst 3 days of my life. On the Wednesday morning I was due to go on a tour to the Golden Temple in Amritsar and I decided still to go cos if nothing else I could pray for my son. I'm not a religious person at all but sitting helpless as I was 6000 miles away from home praying for him was all I could do. Maybe it was just my state of mind but I found a very spiritual experience there and found a little comfort in the mess that surrounded me.

Against all odds my son pulled through and I got home from India. He was released home but the person infront of me was not my son. His speech was slurred, he was staggering about, he couldn't hold a conversation and forgot what he had said 20 mins earlier. The worst thing was he was aggressive and threatening. What we didn't know was if there was brain damage or was it just the drugs still in his system. Luckily it was just the drugs still in his system and after a few days he was back to his normal kind and loving self. He is a very lucky young man as there seems to be no lasting damage. All we need to do is find a way forward

I must admit I am stressed out my head and buckling under the pressure. I broke on Saturday there and cried the whole day. What I can't understand is where are my family and friends? Apart from one couple no one is coming to see us, no one is helping out, no one is supporting the kids, no one is even sending txt msgs of support. It seems to be that people think it's over now my son is out of hospital but no one seems to realise that this is just the beginning. We have huge hurdles to over come. My other two kids are so messed up I am at a loss of what to do. Late last night I spent almost 2 hours writing letters to their teacher/guidance teacher explaining that I was sending two wrecks back to school today and it just hammered home how badly all this has effected them. My parents are still not talking to me and it's breaking my heart that in a situation as bad as my son trying to kill himself they are keeping up their petty argument and wont get in touch with me. These kinds of situations should put things back into perspective and bring families back together. But it's hasn't. My mother and father in law who have the time on their hands to say take the two wee ones to the park or something (things I'm not able to do since I got the cauda equina) are still not interested in seeing their grand kids and maybe just helping them by getting them out the house and doing some normal kid like things which they desperately need just now. Somewhere I believe that my parents and parents in law hold a share in the responsibility of what happened to my son as they have had the opportunity to help us and take some of the pressure off my son that ultimately led to his suicide attempt and they haven't done it. My mother and father in law crossed my door twice last year in a year that saw my marriage break up and my life and the kids lives turned upside down with my spinal injury. I was pretty much confined to bed the whole year yet they didn't care enough to even take their grand kids out for a day and support them in a terrible time in their lives. My parents, who had been very supportive till May this year when my dad made my mum choose between me and him which ripped the family apart and devastated me and my kids especially when my parents said they didn't care if I was dead or not. I believe this has been the last straw for my son as he then was the only person I could rely on and he held all the responsibility for me, his brother and sister and the house. No wonder the poor kid broke. What is disgusting me the most with my parents is this situation was so avoidable. They didn't need to throw this wobbly. There has been so much shit in my kids lives that no one could stop or do anything about but this didn't need to happen. They gave no consideration to those kids when they did this and the damage they did was devastating. Just shows how selfish people can be :(

So amidst the wreckage of our lives I need to find a way forward and find it completely on my own. It's heart breaking to know no one cares about us and I wonder where do I find the strength to support 3 seriously messed up kids and keep going myself? You might think I'm being petty but it's amazing how a little txt saying someone is thinking of you, sent when you think you are at your lowest and cant find a way back up again, can make all the difference

So the moral of the story is, as my title says, live life for today cos you dont know what tomorrow will bring. I almost lost my son. Also support the people around you. Open your eyes and see other peoples pain and difficulties cos you dont know when that one little txt/email will make all the difference. I should add here that out the blue someone came to me the other day at 1.30 in the morning after coming home from holiday to find my msg about my son. They jumped straight back in the car and drove through and gave me just what I needed which was some human comfort. When I thought I was at the bottom they lifted me back up and gave me the strength to continue, but for how long I dont know. Time will tell

Busy Busy Busy

Well life is very hectic at the moment!! I am getting my kids ready for going on holiday with their dad and also planning my own trip to India :) Quite a lot to manage for most people but a wee bit harder for me. I also was in hospital at the start of the week which hasn't helped either. But am feeling better now and just trying to get things ready as best I can

My trip plans are coming along fine. I am booking tours to see both the Taj Mahal and The Golden Temple which am really looking forward to. I cant wait to enjoy the food also. A week today I will be a day into my trip :):) I cant wait

Anyways am not sure if I will have much time to write anything before I go but I am sure I will have plenty to tell you when I come back. See you later xx

My new bath lift

I got a bath lift fitted today :) This is going to make a huge difference to my life. Up till now my 17 year old son was lifting me in and out the bath which you can understand was not ideal. Back in March I also got a stair lift fitted which opened my life up so much cos instead of being stuck upstairs for days on end I could go down and make a coffee anytime I wanted lol. The bath lift was given to me by the Occupational Therapy dept at the local council but I had to buy the stair lift myself. I took a major fall, from the top stair, which resulted in hospitalisation and my kids were scared to go to school and leave me alone so the stair lift was a must. Best £250 I ever spent. So I really feel I have my Independence back and it feels good. I am really lucky where I live with the services that are available. I have a community alarm which allows me to press a buzzer and get help if I fall. I have the bath lift, raised toilet seat with handles, a special stool for using in the kitchen and a few other bits and pieces. I count myself lucky that I live in a country where the council's supply that kind of thing :)

Dreaming of running

I had a dream last night that I was running. I could feel the shocks going through my legs as my feet hit the pavement and the exhilaration of it all. The wind was in my hair, my breathing was deep and heavy and most of all the freedom of it all was out of this world. It felt amazing. This maybe sounds like nothing to you but after my spinal injury I struggle to walk and will never run, dance, skip or excercise again. It's the summer here and the nights are lovely and I would give half the world to be able to go for a walk. I used to go out and take the kids for a walk round our local resevoir and feed the ducks and swans. I am putting a lot of consideration into getting a wheel chair but it's a double edged sword. On one hand it would give me the freedom to go for walks (as long as someone is there to push me) but on the other hand it feels like I am giving up. I went for a medical recently and found out that what happened to me only happens to 5 or 6 people a year in this country and mostly to men. I think that makes me pretty unusual. The name for what I have is Cauda Equina Synrome which is a pretty unheard of condition but it is something that everyone suffering from sciatica should be made aware of. As the disks start to prolapse they crush the nerves of the spinal cord. The red flag signs are difficulty peeing, numbness of the legs, bottom and genital area. If it's treated quickly then there is a 95% recovery rate but in my case the hospital screwed up and I was left untreated for 2 days so I have no chance of recovery. I have been left numb from my mid bottom down to my feet. I am unable to lift my toes on my right foot and need to wear a splint to stop me tripping over them. I no longer know I need to pee and have to pee by the clock lol and so many more invisible problems that are difficult to deal with. It's changed my life in so many ways and please if I can tell you one thing it's to make the most of every day cos you never know when something will change. I went from a healthy, happy woman to suddenly finding myself disabled for the rest of my life. That's a big change. So take it from me make the most of life and dont leave your running to your dreams

Meet Fudge

This is Fudge my friend's pet hamster we have been looking after all week while she was on holiday. I had gerbils and hamsters when I was young but I dont remember them being this much fun :). The kids have adored her and played with her for hours. It's only July but a hamster is already on my daughters Christmas list lol. The cages she is in is like an activity gym. Much better than the wire bar cages my gerbil and hamsters were in.

The Weekend

It's the weekend :) kids are away to their dad's overnight and while the cat's away the mice will play lol. I love just the freedom when they are away like that, although I do love my kids. So tonight will be a night with friends, a few drinks and a mega chill out. What better for the weekend?

I should update you on my daughter too. She doesn't need any surgery on her face for the moment. The Dr's are happy enough to let it heal on it's own for the moment and correct any damage later if it heals badly or her face looks asymmetrical. So that's great. We can all go ahead with our holiday plans. While the kids go away for a fortnight with their dad I'm off to India for a sight seeing trip. Plan on seeing the Golden Temple and the Taj Mahal hopefully and this little temple my friend has visited where miracles happen and you can make a wish for the future. I cant wait. I have applied for my visa and will book my flights next week.

Seperating audio from video

Ok i have done a wee bit looking around and I have found a fairly decent programme to seperate audio from video that ties up to the Youtube downloader I mentioned a few days back. As I was wanting this programme to convert video to audio for my son to put on his phone I have had to convert the file twice to achieve what I wanted. You might not need to do this if you only want to play the tracks on your PC/laptop

Click on the title of this blog to download a free programme called FormatFactory. I read a few reviews and this programme got the thumbs up as a good all round converter. If you want to check it out and a few other options here is the link to the review page I looked at Gizmo's Freeware. Once you have installed it open the programme and follow these instructions. Click on VIDEO on the left hand side and then select ALL TO AVI. Click ADD FILE to select the video from wherever you have it stored on your computer and click OPEN. Highlight your selected file on the next screen and click OPTION to select where you want the track to start and stop from. For a normal music track click 0.00 for START TIME and slide the bar along to the end of the track and click END TIME. It's a wee bit fiddly but you just need to be quick to start the track at 0.00. Now click OK. On the next screen click OK again. On the next screen highlight the track you want to convert and click START. I have found it takes just under a minute to convert a track. Now open OUTPUT FOLDER to view the track you just converted. The track is now converted to only audio but I found it wouldn't play in my son's phone so I had to convert it again to MP3. If you need to do this then first copy the track you converted to your desktop from the OUTPUT FOLDER and go back to the FormatFactory screen. This time click AUDIO and select ALL TO MP3. Again click ADD FILE and select the converted track from your desktop. This time click SELECT RANGE to set the start and stop times then click OK. On the next screen click OK again. Highlight the track you want to convert to MP3 and click START. Once done this track is now able to be put on phones or MP3 players.

It might sound a bit complicated but once you have done it a couple of times it takes only a few minutes to do the whole process. I got my 10 year old daughter to do it and she managed fine. Good luck!!

I Love My Geek

I saw this T-shirt and loved it. They have some great knickers too ;)

Maybe I need to set up a more adult blog to blog the knicker activity lol. Watch this space ;)

Easy Youtube Downloader

I'm gonna cheat slightly on this one cos I read about this on my friend's blog but having installed it on my own laptop and the 3 pc's for the kids and it's so good am also gonna share it with you.

About 4 years ago I used to spend a lot of time on Limewire but I got so sick fed up that almost every track contained a virus of some sort that I gave up. Nowadays I listen to music on Youtube if I dont have on disk or my laptop but it means keeping a web page open for Youtube. Now I can download the videos from Youtube without any software and then play them using VLC. It only works on Firefox and Google Chrome though not IE

It's this easy. Open your bookmark dropdown list and right click on it. Select New Bookmark. Call it whatever you want. I called mine Youtube Downloader and paste this URL in the location field

javascript:window.location.href="http://youtube.com/get_video?video_id=" + swfArgs['video_id']+ "&l=" + swfArgs['l'] + "&sk=" + swfArgs['sk'] + '&fmt_map' + swfArgs['fmt_map'] + '&t=' + swfArgs['t'];

then click add. Now open the Youtube video you want to watch, open your bookmarks and click on the link you just created. It should download the video and you can play it on VLC. I've noticed though it just calls the video ''Video'' so remember to press F2 and rename the video so you can find it at a later date.

Update: My son is now nagging me for a programme to seperate the sound from the video so he can put the music on his phone. Gonna do some research and hopefully find a good free programme to do this and I will get back to you when I have found something. If anyone know's one feel free to tell me :)

Resizing Pictures

My friend recently bought a new digital camera and was struggling to email me the pictures from our ''drunken nights'' as the pictures were too big. She is lucky enough to be running XP so I installed the handy image resizer from Microsoft for her and I thought I would share it with you as well for those who are unaware of it.

Click the title of this blog and you will go to the Microsoft PowerToys for Windows XP site. Scroll down the right hand side and look for image resizer. It's a tiny download and it makes resizing pictures a doddle. Once installed just right click the picture or pictures you want to resize and click resize pictures. Pick large for normal computer use and click ok and it's as simple as that. It keeps the original and the resized picture keep the original name with (large) next to it.

I unfortunately run Vista as my laptop is a built for Vista machine which I found out to my disgust when I formatted it to put XP in. HP who makes my laptop provides no drivers for XP which I think is awful as I really don't like Vista. This image resizer is actually the thing I miss most from XP. I am looking for a programme to do the same thing without having to muck about with paint. If I find something I am happy with I will let you know. I just wish Microsoft would make PowerToys for Vista. Come on guys

Truecrypt

I know, if you are anything like me, you will have ''secrets'' on your laptop/pc that you dont want other people to see. I use Truecrypt for this. It's a great programme and completely free to download. There is full instructions on how to create the volume so just take it step by step and it's fairly straightforward. You assign a certain amount of space on your hard drive for the Truecrypt volume and that space is then passworded. It has the added bonus of having an inner layer and an outer layer to it. Each can be assigned a different password. I will give you a scenario of how that might work. You have secrets you might want to keep from your significant other. So you install truecrypt and make an inner and outer volume. In the outer volume you put things that you are happy for your significant other to see so if they insist in seeing what's in it there is no problem and they never need to know the secret inner volume is there. Genius!! The scenario they give on the website explains blackmail or extortion but come on guys how many of us are at danger of that?

What's also great about this programme is you can use it to encrypt part or all of your pen drives/memory sticks so you can carry about personal information and know that even if it's stolen no one can get into it.

This programme has saved my skin a few times so I donated some money as a thankyou. Just click on Truecrypt at the top to go to the website and protect your ''secrets''

I've had my house broken into

My shitty life keeps getting worse :( I came home from dinner at a friends last night to find my house had been broken into. The patio door had been forced open. I will admit, I was very scared. My friends came round and a couple of neighbours went in and checked the house but no one was in it. I have a feeling whoever broke in was disturbed though cos all that was missing was some money off the computer desk beside the patio door. I guess we could find more things are missing as time goes on though. But between the burglar, my neighbours searching my house and then the police, I feel completely violated. The house feels unclean. I want to scrub and change everything. I know I have been lucky that nothing more has been stolen but what gives anyone the right to break into someone else's house? I feel very sad about human nature tonight. I think it will be a long time till I sleep soundly in my bed again :(

The Danger of Trampolines

My daughter was injured on a trampoline at a friends house last Friday when she was accidentally kicked in the face. Doesn't sound serious? Well believe me it is. She has broken 2 of the bones in her cheek. She ended up being admitted to hospital with concussion and shock and was in a bad way actually. But that was only the beginning. She saw the facial surgeon on Monday and she has a 70% chance of needing surgery. Her face has been left numb due to the nerves being damaged. (She says it feels like after being at the dentist). If she is lucky the nerves are only being squashed by the swelling and will repair but that could take up to a year!! If she is unlucky the nerves are crushed between the bones and will never repair. Her face will be numb for the rest of her life. As time goes on she will likely suffer increasing double vision and visual disturbances also. Her sinus cavity also seems to be crushed so she is likely to have difficulty breathing through her nose. She is in so much pain with it that it breaks my heart :( She cant eat properly, cant drink properly, she cant even brush her teeth. She even struggles to curl her lips round the medicine spoon to take her pain killers :( Poor wee thing.

All this from playing on a trampoline? You better believe it. Due to my spinal injury I have lots of little falls and some big ones so unfortunately I have spent a fair amount of time in the waiting room at A&E and every time I am there, there is a kids with a broken leg or arm, cuts, scrapes, sprains and bruises and all from trampoline accidents. Late at night there are adults who have been drinking and decided to have a shot on the trampoline and have been hurt. These things are dangerous

Trampolines are not toys. Children should be supervised at all times. They should only be on one at a time and please get them to take off their shoes. My daughters friend was wearing trainers when she kicked her face. Maybe if she had had bare feet the damage might have been less.

My daughter has to get a CT scan this week and sees the facial surgeon next Monday. I'll let you know how it goes

I love this picture

And on the subject of bees I wanted to share this picture with you

Visitors in the garden

I went out to the garden today and found some activity in the bird boxes but not of the kind you would expect!! The bird box on the left has a wasps bike in it and the one on the right has a bee hive in it :O I disagree with the idea that just cos there is a wasp's bike or bee hive in your garden then you immediately destroy it. Now obviously some are in dangerous places and do need to be destroyed but in this case i am inclined to leave them be. They wont be there long and I'm sure we can just keep away from that part of the garden for a while. As a keen gardener and nature lover I know that there is increasing problems with the fertilisation of flowers due to there being less bees and wasps about This is due to the increase in pesticides and this idea that all bee hives and wasp's bikes need destroyed. Also wasps are very important in keeping down pest insects who do destroy crops. I am of the opinion that ''All God's creatures have a place in the choir'' and these wasps and bees are no different. Us humans are causing so much damage to this planet and everything needs to be for our convenience. We have upset the balance of nature. So let's just live and let live folks

Well my name is Angel and I am a 30 something, full time, single mum to 3 kids. I am also disabled after suffering a massive spinal trauma caused by a prolapsed disk in February 2008 just days after splitting up from my husband of 17 years. Although I have had some of the best times of my life in the last 18 months I have also gone through some serious set backs. One of my kids has started to take seizures recently, another has broken their cheek bone a few days ago and is facing prolonged facial reconstruction and the third is autistic. I have had repeated admissions back to hospital one which was for a bleed in my brain. My second stroke :( I also have 3 more disks partially prolapsed and could pop out at anytime causing further damage. Sitting on this ticking time bomb has made me realise that I need to live life for today cos who knows what tomorrow will bring. I have started taking the risks in my life that I was always too scared to take before. I have travelled alone to far flung places in the world on my own with only my trusted crutches. And most of all I'm having fun. So I am setting this blog up to be a bit of a diary but to also add any interesting things I see or find.